Wig Party

Yep. We had a good time at the wig party, although I am EXHAUSTED. The day was a very full one, very emotionally charged even though my hair is still attached. Thank you to all of you who are supporting me through this tough challenge. I am so blessed.

Wigging me out

Sarah did not get her hair cut today. The stylist that created Sarah's wig (the one who was suppose to cut her hair), said that her hair was still holding strong. He should be able to pull at least ten hairs from the top of her head, but was only able to pluck two and Sarah felt each one. So, when Sarah is able to pull at least ten hairs then she will get it all cut off. The stylist thinks it is going to be a few more days.
She did bring home the wig today though. And let me tell you it is freaky looking. It looks just like Sarah (as it should). Sarah had put it on our hutch (on the bust) while we ate dinner and it kept catching my eye and freaking me out. She said we are going to keep it in our bedroom ... I don't think so... I am not going to wake up in the middle of the night to be freaked out by this head of hair looking at me. Call me weird but it just wigs me out.

Tough Days

The last few days have been really tough. I'm still feeling pretty yucky, which doesn't help, but I'm also experiencing a lot of fears and doubts. The fears are that the chemo isn't what my body needs (based on proposed theories about cancer being a fungus and "fed" by what we eat - this might sound crazy, but the possibility that it could be true makes me at least have to look at it) and that I will have suffered through it and it not work. I am struggling with hearing AGAIN "you have cancer (or another tumor)". The doubts about whether I should even do the chemo have been drowning me in tears and constant battle to take my thoughts captive. (Keep in mind that mine is a unique cancer and therefore one that the doctors don't know a lot about. They are treating it like bone cancer, which they do know about, and say my prognosis is good if I do the chemo. Do I trust their judgment? - Notice that I did not say "trust them" as that would be relying on them knowing all, which they can't as they are human.)

OK. So that's the ugliness of my thoughts and feelings, what I'm struggling with. The truths are that God is sovereign (reigns over my body, as small on the universe scale as it is) and knows the outcome of all of this. He can (and maybe has) cure me, and Him only. Focusing on my circumstances is not going to help me get through this; focusing on my God, and Who He is, will help me get through this because that is where my confidence lies - in God and God alone. This is not always how I feel nor even sometimes what I think when I'm "stuck", but feelings do not always reveal the truth. I am praying that God will guide us on the path that He wants us to take, and I would so prefer it not to be chemo. However, the choice is not mine nor do I really want it to be.

In the midst of all of this, there are some weird puzzle pieces that I'm not sure where they fit. It's interesting that twice this past week, "people" had discussions with me that raise doubts about the chemo. As you can imagine, this rattled me. God, what is Your purpose in this? Is it to make me question and then come out more resolved than ever? Is it to change my course of treatment? Is it to make me pose certain questions to the dr.? Is it to make me come to a point where I relinquish more control that I'm not realizing I'm harboring? (I know that giving up control is a theme throughout all of this - "Be still and know that I am God." has been my theme verse since being pregnant.) I also have been reading "When I Lay My Isaac Down", and these verses in Genesis were again brought to my attention from a different direction this weekend. Is there something I need to surrender - my health, perhaps? By this I don't mean not want to be healthy but rather surrender good health to God's perfect plan, whatever that means. Yikes!

OK. So I've shared my personal thoughts, but I really don't want feedback. This request is for my mental health, so please be respectful of it. In general, I really value feedback, but in this case, I really can't work through all the opinions.

Kids Update

Ethan is now 9.5 pounds and in the 10% on the full-term baby growth chart! Dr. H was very pleased with his progress. He has also started smiling; his first one was for Anderson! He doesn't smile all that often, but when he does, we're thrilled. We have also found low-iron formula (supplement for the breastmilk), which is a huge blessing as the other was making his belly very upset. Jason had to drive to Hooksett for it and then we met him in Northwood at 10pm. It's precious stuff! Oh, and Ethan is sleeping through the night: 11-7 at least. He has also decided that he has preferences, so he no longer is the baby who doesn't cry. That's OK though!

Lyndsey is still working on the potty training. It's an uphill battle. She's very good at driving the Hot Wheels jeep, and she's back to unlimited use of her arm/shoulder. She is saying some really funny things, which makes me smile. She is a big helper with "Nefan" and loves him to pieces, literally. She also loves to laugh and fool around with Anderson.

Anderson will be finishing up daycare at the end of June. We went to a kindergarden informational meeting a week ago. I can't believe we'll have a child in school! He's very excited about it. In the meantime, he's been practicing casting (to fish with Daddy) on the back lawn and is very attentive to Ethan's physical and emotional needs. He's also attentive to Lyndsey's needs, although she doesn't always agree what they are. They have started the sibling fighting...great fun. Leader/Bossy oldest combined with Strong-willed second is a tough combo. Wait until Ethan joins the fray!

Birthday Blessings

Boy, did God show His love to me on my birthday; I am humbled and amazed.

The day started with me having a bad attitude. I woke up feeling bad that it was my birthday and I was feeling so crappy. Honestly, I wanted to just bypass the whole thing. However, God quickly convicted me that this was not a good attitude, and I confessed. I proceeded to get out of bed and drag myself to women's Bible study. My energy levels were so low, and I was still battling nausea, but I knew it would do wonders for my soul.

I won't give you the play-by-play, but the day was FILLED with people doing things to just make me feel so loved and special. From cards to well wishes to a birthday party brought to me (with party hats, noise makers, a balloon and flowers, cake, and best of all, family) to hearing my kids sing "Happy Birthday" to me TWICE to gifts including the doorbell ringing many times with somebody delivering plants, fruit, flowers. I was blown away. Perhaps the best part was the many expressions from people's hearts about their feelings of me being in their life. I do not deserve these birthday blessings, but I am so thankful. Who would have thought that my birthday would be so opposite of what I had expected? Isn't God gracious.

Laughs from the Kids

This is WAY late, but I've been wanting to share it. Back a few weeks ago when the weather was HOT, the kids wanted to run in the sprinklers. So, we got them into their swimsuits, and I was preparing Ethan's bottle so I could feed him on the porch and watch the kids. My Mom came in laughing. She had found Lyndsey buck naked on the porch and overheard Anderson scolding her that the police were going to come take her to jail because "we're not supposed to be naked outside". (No, I didn't tell them that! Can you guess who probably did?!) Apparently, Lyndsey had taken her swimsuit off because she didn't want to get it wet. 8)

Cycle 1 Almost Over

I'm exhausted and nauseated, but I'm home. In some ways this is harder as I'm aware of what the kids are up to and have more opportunity to worry about them. This is really hard as Bob is in charge and wants to do yard work. 8) I know that he's fully capable, but I struggle not to worry about Ethan being outside with Daddy (Is he riding in the cart behind the lawn mower - what will that do to his ears?), the kids getting out of sight but him not realizing it, whether they're being eaten alive by bugs. What does this boil down to? It's not just about trusting Bob's parenting skills; he's really a very good Daddy. It's about trusting my Heavenly Father to care for the kids and put awareness in Bob's mind and heart, just like He does in mine, to help us care for the kids. Oh, this is a challenge.

So we found out yesterday that my chemo schedule is a little bit shorter than we had thought, in the sense that ther eare only 21 days between the end of a cycle and the beginning of the next cycle. We had thought that it would be 3 calendar weeks, which would actually be 7 extra days. So, that's good news.

Chemo Update

We've found that once again things don't go as they seem they will when we're talking about medical procedures here. It can be very frustrating, but God is helping me keep my cool for the most part. Maybe some of it was that I was so emotionally exhausted yesterday that being angry or frustrated just wasn't going to happen. I am so thankful that I have 2 weeks off before coming back as my tolerance for the pricks and proddings is very low. By the end of the day, my eyelids were red and puffy - not attractive. Oh well.

My 10:30 procedure ended up being at about 11:30. The staff was very nice (although the IV placement nearly sent me through the roof; the nurse said "This is gonna hurt pretty good" as a warning. She was right, but at least it didn't hurt after it was in.). I wasn't aware of any of the port placement, another good thing. I felt such relief when it was over. We ended up waiting in a shared waiting area for another 3 hours as my bed wasn't ready for me on the cancer floor (in spite of assurances that a bed would be ready around noon - something must have happened that they didn't expect). So, this gave it time for the litakain to wear off, and the nurse gave me 2 Tylenol to take care of the pain. Needless to say, when I ended up on my floor, my nurses retruned me to oxycodone for the next 12 hours. Thank You, Lord. Also, while in the waiting area, there was a 5 year old boy in the curtained area beside me. He was havigna really tough time, and my heart was full of gratitude that my children are not dealing with cancer in this way.

So, last night, I had infusions of both drugs, starting at 7 pm. I had been warned that some people get sick adn throw up during the infusions or afterward. I was really praying against this, and God spared me. Although I feel sick to my stomach, the medications help. I'm hoping this will be the worst of it as I'm receiving my second bout of the 2 drugs right now...queasy but not puking. We'll leave first thing tomorrow morning. (If I had received my treatment even 1 hour earlier yesterday, I might have been able to leave tonight, but God knows best.)

During the afternoon, they disconnected me from the IV pole so that Bob and I could go get some fresh air. He wheelchaired me over to Yawkey 9 where there is a store for cancer patients. I bought a cute hat that might be a cooler option for dressing up more but not wearing the wig (maybe if the wig needs a break). It was tiring but good to get out just a little bit. Bob broke the wheelchair comign back across the construction sidewalks. Fortunately, we were able to trade out for a fresh one petty soon. 8)

So if all goes well, tomorrow we'll be home before noon and my worst struggles will be a week or so of fatigue and slight nausea. One cycle down!

"Oh, where is my hairbrush?"

You might be wondering what's going on with the hair situation. God has been good to provide a really good place to purchase a hair replacement system (like a wig); they have already proven themselves very supportive and attentive. I woke up Sat. morning with my hair hurting, a sign that the hair loss will happen soon. As instructed, I called to notify them as this is earlier than expected. Even though they were closed, they called back within 15 minutes and had suggestions and encouragement. Thank You, Lord. (By the way, I won't be able to use my own hair for the wig nor sell it. I'm hoping to be able to donate it but haven't had a chance to go on-line and get the details of how to go about it. I'll cut it last minute.)

So, when I woke up with my hair hurting (feels like after I've pulled my hair back too tightly), I was pretty upset. Theoretically, this shouldn't be happening until more than a week after my adriamycin treatment (which is this Wed.). So, as you can imagine, I started to cry. I was really hoping to have my own hair on my birthday, and this development made that look improbable. I was disappointed. Well, the point of this story is that Lyndsey asked me, "Mumma, why you cryin'?" I told her that I was sad because I would be losing my hair soon. Her response, "I will save yours hairs." How precious.

[For those of you who don't have preschoolers, the title of the posting is part of a Veggie Tales silly song.]

Lyndsey's Mishap on Friday

I meant to blog about this earlier, but time got away from me. Last Friday, Lyndsey was climbing onto a swing in the back yard and fell off backwards. She cried, but my friend checked the movement of her shoulder and it seemed OK. However, then when she later tried to help Lyndsey get on the potty, she yelped (flag #1). At lunch time, when I was observing her (up from my nap at this point), I noticed that her hand and arm were hanging straight at her side all the time (flag #2), her hand looked a bit swollen (flag #3), she was awkward getting up into her booster seat as she was babying it (flag #4), and after giving her children's ibuprofin, nothing seemed to change (flag #5). My first thought was, "Oh, I wish Mom were here. She'd know what to do." But she wasn't due to be back for a while, so I had to do this on my own. Since it was Friday, I certainly didn't want to wait it out a day, putting us potentially in the emergency room on the weekend, so I called the dr. At 2:00, we headed to the pediatricians and after that to the hospital for x-rays. Lyndsey was such a trooper; she did great. We ended up back home at 5:00 with a diagnosis of a broken collarbone and orders to make a sling and give her children's Tylenol. (Thank You, Lord, for giving me the instinct to bring her to the dr.) Little did we know what a battle we would be in for with the Tylenol (gagging and spitting it back out in spite of its yummy orange flavor). Bob was persistent as we knew she needed it; she was acting out of character because she was hurting so much.

At this point, Lyndsey is doing quite well. We struggle to make sure she doesn't use that hand to carry things while wearing the sling, so we know it must be feeling better. Her neck is green from the bruising, so that's another sign of healing. She is supposed to go back to the dr. next week for a check-up.

Chemo Update

We started chemo, finally, at 1:30 this morning (13 hours of trying to raise my pH...it's looking like the pH of the water did not affect it as the bottled water also has a low pH). This made a very long night as I had to wake frequently to pee. I got a stretch of 3 hours and another stretch of 2 hours; the rest were an hour or less. The chemo was concluded at 5:30 when I had the privilege of a blood draw (by a sweet man who called me "Miss Sarah"; he was so concerned about being gentle) and the nurse having to fuss with my IV as there was something sketchy. It turned out to be fine. [Note that the perk of starting so late was that I was able to pump more milk for Ethan. Let me tell you, that 1:00 pumping was a labor of love (due to both tiredness and the monster pump was doing a number on me), and the last thing I wanted to do. However, it was my last chance to give to Ethan in this way, so I figured I should just do it. Knowing me, I'd regret it later.

So, this morning, I feel all whacked out, but it could be the lack of sleep. The chemo did cause a bit of nausea which they have treated with 2 different drugs. They definitely took the edge off, and I ate breakfast. I'm hoping to get back to napping after I write this. I will be awakened regularly though as I need to pee out the methotrexate as quickly as possible. They don't want it sitting in me; this is a way to help protect the kidneys, I guess. And so far, no mouth sores. I think that they can show up any time today, but this is a good start.

When the dr. came in to see me today, he said that there is a slight chance that I could go home today if my kidneys work hard (quickly) to process all this through me (and out of me), in spite of the 24 hour wait for the antidote. So, please pray with me that I will make it home for the kids' bedtime. This would be a work of God, but He is able.

Chemo Challenges

Well, it's 9:00pm, and after 9 hours of sodium bicarbonate (5 pills at a time, also an IV going continuously), I still am not able to start the chemo drug. My pH has to be at least 7, and it's hovering at 6.5. [Ironically, Bob just discovered that the pH of the water I've been pounding down is 5.0. We've asked the nurse if this would make a difference in my body's pH. She had never heard of this before - leave it to Bob! - but they're checking into it. In the meantime, I won't drink the tap water. They've also decided to use a different bottle of test paper in case there's something wrong with how it's measuring the pH of my urine.] This is very frustrating in that I can't leave the hospital until more than 24 hours after I start the chemo drug because they can't give me the antidote until 24 hours later and then have to monitor me for a while. This means that I won't be going home until Fri. AM, and I am really struggling with this. I've cried a lot today, partly because of the disappointment of going home much later than expected, partly because I'm really missing the kids (this is the first extended time away from Ethan since we've been able to be together), partly because of the stress of all of this, partly because I'm hormonal. Bob is being supportive, remembering that touch is my love language, but I know that it's hard for him to understand why I'm "so worked up". I have a hard time looking at this as just getting some medicine. I know that the drug is supposed to be my friend in that it will kill the cancer cells, but I struggle to not see it as a poison that I'm taking into my body. It's killing the "good Sarah cells" too. So, I pray that God will give me the right perspective. I also know that coming to grips with chemo is a process.

On the up side, I had a great good-night time with the kids, in spite of being here. I had photocopied a Bible story from their Bible and was able to "read" it to them over the speaker phone. They did really well paying attention (even Lyndsey!). We then did our bedtime prayers together. This time "together" was very good for me, and I'm thankful that God put the idea in my head.

Chemo Plan

Today we scheduled my chemotherapy; I'm starting next Tuesday. Bob will go with me, and we'll stay in the hospital 1 night, returning some time in the afternoon on Wed. The timing depends on how my body reacts to the medication I'm given. I thought it might be helpful if I give a run-down of the game plan of what each 6 week "cycle" should look like.
Week 1-methotrexate: medication that has an antidote which means that it should be "well-tolerated" meaning I might be tired and maybe get mouth sores - treatment is a 24 hour trip to Boston
Week 2 - methotrexate: same as above
Week 3 - cisplatin an dadriamycin: medications that are very harsh and require administration through a port in my chest that will stay in for the year (dr. has prescribed 4 anti-nausea drugs that I'll need to work with to find a combination and timing that will help me; hair loss; fatigue; risk of infections) - treatment is a 48 hour trip to Boston and side effects usually are strongest for 1-2 weeks from hospital stay
Weeks 4-6 - recover and rest
I will have to complete 6 of these cycles. The dr. says to plan on it taking a year as many things can interrupt the schedule. I am praying that I will be finished and feeling good by Ethan's birthday.

Pre-Chemo Meeting

Well, we went to Boston yesterday to meet with my orthopedic oncologist (hip dr.) and my oncologist (chemo dr.). The appt. went well, although it was a long day. The highlights of the day were seeing Ethan's transitional nursery nurse and our new friend who started as my anasthesiologist for the c-section. The appt. was a check-up of my hip as well as informational meeting for the chemo. It was really encouraging to hear that my hip and walking are progressing very well, particularly considering I'm only 5 weeks out. Dr. Raskin thinks maybe I'll be able to learn to walk without a limp (a rarity).

The meeting with the oncologist was hard, although we both left feeling like the chemo isn't going to be as horrendous as we had thought. I think that this is really a product of a good meeting but that our impressions are probably far to the other extreme. It seems that the times when I feel ill will mostly be when I'm at home, rather than when I'm in the hospital receiving treatment. Does this mean that I might actually have a chance to make Lyndsey's baby scrapbook during treatment? This would definitely be a silver lining since in spite of my best efforts, I only have a few pages of her book done. I'm not sure if I'll be able to have the energy to motivate myself, but I don't think it does any harm to hope. Because our appt. ran so late, Bob and I stopped for dinner on the way home. By that point, I started to feel overwhelmed and exhausted, and by this morning, I've moved on to scared and nervous. I was hoping that they would call today to schedule the chemo so we can just get this thing over with - having it hanging out in front of me is getting harder and harder. No call yet...

Even though I woke up struggling emotionally, God pulled me out. As I cried out to Him, He prodded me to get out of bed and face this day. He showed me that the kids need me today (especially a very naughty Lyndsey as the day started), so parenting kept me very busy. And the best part is that it wasn't all discipline - we actually took a walk today and spent some time outside (me, Mom, Lyndsey, Anderson, Ethan, and Buddy). This is the first time in months, and I think that it was good for all of us. [Picture this, Buddy is in the lead, sniffing the way. Anderson is pushing Ethan in his carriage. Lyndsey is trucking along behind him with her baby doll in her smaller carriage. I'm trailing behind with the crutch while Mom catches up since she had to run back for a hat. What an entourage!] So, once again, God sustained us. Thank You, Lord, for today's sunshine, the singing of the birds, and the woodpecker we saw tapping on a tree.

Lyndsey's Birthday Present

We are amazed at God's provision, even in the "small" things. Since are kids are so fortunate, figuring out what to get Lyndsey for her birthday was a bit of a challenge. We've known for a while that we wanted to get her a baby doll swing as she's very "into" baby dolls. We thought that it might also help keep her away from Ethan in his swing (or using his swing for her babies). Well, apparently, they aren't making swings like this anymore unless you want a whole set of baby accessories (which we do NOT). We found one that was made by Graco back in '04 but stores aren't selling it. Bob even searched the internet for used ones. He found one in Minneapolis, but the guy didn't want to mail it to us. By Thursday (Lyndsey's birthday and the day the kids and Bob and I were going to give Lyndsey our gifts), we still didn't have a gift for Lyndsey. The back-up plan, determined on the way to my procedures, was to pick up an umbrella and rain boots for her.

On the way home, I suggested stopping at Children's Orchard (consignment shop that usually has very few toys). Bob agreed, which is unusual in that he doesn't care to run errands/make a bunch of stops on the way to his destination. We stopped, and God showed us the treasure that He had stored there for us...a Graco swing and matching pack and play (for less money than just the swing in Minneapolis, not considering shipping). Not only that, but the swing has batteries to rock the baby AND play music. How cool is that?! (Lyndsey discovered that it plays music, and Anderson discovered that it plays multiple songs.) We also "found" a cradle swing for Ethan, just like the one that we'd borrowed temporarily from a friend that works in helping him with his nighttime gas problems) for $50 compared to $140 brand new. What a blessing! With this item, Bob had also been looking on-line but the few leads he'd found had not worked out. God is good.

Test Results

We are so relieved and grateful to share with you that ALL the tests from this week came back clear - no tumors. I hadn't really felt stressed about what the results would be, but when I was told that the breast MRI was clear, I cried. (Now you know who's writing this. *grin*) I guess I was more emotional about it than I realized. The colonoscopy/endoscopy didn't affect me as much as I thought it would, although the tiredness hit me like a brick at 8:30 this morning. I slept hard for 2 hours and struggled to get up at that point. (I'm so thankful that a friend was here watching Lyndsey, and cleaning!) Ethan and I enjoyed the nap together...no worries, he was safe from being smothered or rolled on as I'm still having to prop myself carefully with pillows so I won't dislocate the hip when on my side.

Ethan's Progress

We are shocked!! Ethan went to the doctor's today for a weigh-in, and he is 7 POUNDS, 10 OUNCES. We know that Momma makes good milk, but good grief! So, the concerns about him sleeping long stretches while swaddled tightly and spitting up more than he was...obviouly not necessary. We are so thankful that God is blessing Ethan with good health. Right now, Lyndsey and Bob have a little cold, so please pray that neither Ethan nor I will get it.

Encouragement in Motherhood

Well, I'm half-way through the week of tests and appts. Monday's MRI went fine in spite of its challenges (major overstimulation by the noise of the machine...God was good in reminding me of being in the shadow of His wings. I kept picturing His wings over my ears helping drown out the noise that was so overwhelming it made me want to cry...tough to explain but very real nonetheless.) The staff at Portsmouth Hospital was great. Tomorrow, I start the colonoscopy prep. I'm finding that I'm approaching it with alot of dread but am trying to remind myself that I don't need to feel this way. God has gotten me through far worse, and He cares about this "smaller stuff" too. He'll get me through the hunger of an all-liquid diet and the cramping that will come in the evening. He'll help me drink the solution, and who knows, maybe the taste won't be so bad now that it has flavoring. Regardless, I'm realizing that I need to check my attitude; today has been a tougher day with that. (I'm sure the dreary weather doesn't help.)

Today's encouragement is related to the kids. In the midst of my attitude struggles lies concerns about mothering the kids. I know that their needs are being met (thanks in large part to Mom and Bob), but I want to connect with them. I find myself feeling inadequate in this area (even though I recognize that this is just a season and that the kids probably will not remember it). My limited mobility and energy levels seem like very large obstacles in playing with/connecting with the kids, especially Anderson who's all about sports and movement. My favorite kind of connection is reading together and doing activities where we are "out and about" learning and exploring together. These kinds of activities just aren't happening during this season, and it leaves me wondering if we're building relationship, if they're feeling loved and nurtured by me. So, anyway, God encouraged me in the area of the older kids' and my relationships: 1) I suggested to Anderson that we make Jello together (in prep for tomorrow's diet). His excitement over this surprised me in that he usually isn't interested in cooking with me. 2) The kids and I had fun reading the moose book together. (It's sometimes tough to have both kids engaged in the same book at the same time, and I was at an appt. during our normal reading time.) 3) God put a slug on our walkway that we were able to observe and play with. This was an "adventure" that I could also participate in, and although the kids wouldn't touch it, they enjoyed watching the slug pull its antenna in when I touched it. I'm thankful that God keeps sending encouragement, especially on days like today when I feel like I need it more.

Ethan update

Ethan weighs 6.5 pounds! He seems to be thriving and developing as full-term babies do. I [Sarah] was amazed that he recently figured out how to use Mumma as a human pacifier, sucking without taking in and swallowing milk...little bugger! He is now lifting his head in a controlled way off of our shoulders. We also learned that Grammie knows the perfect temperature for Ethan's bath. (Apparently, Mumma and Daddy were making it too cold!)

My Emotional State

Here is a rarity...a posting from Sarah. I have wanted to use the blog but time just doesn't allow it for the most part. I wanted to take a quick minute to share what God is doing; hopefully, it will encourage you too.

Last Friday was a brutal day for me - lots of tears, lots of struggles with my thoughts and how to approach the upcoming chemo, lots of raw emotion about the "futility of this situation". In the midst of it, I knew that this is part of the Deceiver's attempts to take my attention away from God. (The Bible says that he roams about like a lion seeking whom he may devour. This is definitely true in my experience.) So I questioned, "What do I do about these thoughts and emotions?" I struggled. I prayed and cried and prayed, asking God to help me and knowing that He has proven again and again that He is faithful to sustain me. "Why am I struggling with these doubts and fears when I know better?" I found myself asking and then answering myself with, "because I'm human". I knew that tiredness was a major factor in my emotional state of feeling lost and hopeless. You know what? God was still good even though I was not trusting Him. (After all, was it any surprise to Him? Did I let Him down or surprise Him?) Once again, He seized the opportunity to show His love. The gift of that day was having me go to bed at 7:30 (only 1 hour after getting up from a 2 hour nap!) so that I could get through the night because Ethan was up 12:30-4:30 Sat. AM with gas issues. I am so thankful for God's provision of sleep as the alternative would not have been pretty.

God's provision didn't stop there. Sat. morning, I woke up in a much better emotional state. A friend encouraged me to read Phil. 4, which talks about what kinds of things to think about (true, lovely, pure, just, praiseworthy) and to not be anxious but pray to God about everything. [In return, He gives peace that passes understanding to guard our hearts and minds.] I could see how thinking about things that are true applies to dealing with cancer (e.g., not allowing myself to go down the road of "what ifs" or thinking certain things will happen - like puking my brains out - when I don't know if that is going to be my reality), but the other things in the list were confusing me. How do things that are lovely, pure, just, etc., apply to cancer and chemotherapy? Bob had a great response - God has all those attributes. I'm to keep my mind on Him! Hello! Of course! And guess what? When I'm thinking about God and Who He is, my perspective also changes.

A bunch of other things also happened over the next 3-4 days that promoted the idea of knowing God for WHO He is and letting my thoughts linger there...a couple of worship songs that Bob found (and has posted on the site), a card from my sister-in-law with a note she'd written, verses sent over e-mail to the women's Bible study of which I'm a part, a reminder about a book I'm borrowing about the names of God and what they reveal about His character, notes in a card from strangers. So you see, I'm in awe of how all these pieces to a puzzle are fitting together to point me to where God wants me. He wants me to rest in Him and one way this is possible is by dwelling on who He is and finding peace in His character that is totally predictable and never changes. Obviously, this is much easier said than done, but for these days, God has graciously given me peace in knowing that this is what He wants my response to be - to want to know Him and to seek to know Him better. This isn't about brownie points or going through the motions of "doing what is right". It's about my Father who just wants me to relate with Him. Obviously, the better I know Him, the more sweet those interactions will be. So, I'm encouraged. But this really isn't about just my encouragement. Truly, God wants each of us to know Him and to experience the peace found during struggles when we know His character in a personal way. I believe that every struggle (and victory) is an opportunity to know another aspect of God, but it can fly right past us if we're not paying attention. (I think that it's a lot like human relationships where experiences can draw people closer together, knowing each other more intimately, if the people take advantage of the insights gained by sharing an experience.)