This is a bit late, but as many of you know, my treatment last week was delayed until this week due to the signs that my body was giving off that it needed a break. I wanted to share with you how this was so clearly an answer to prayer, even though it wasn't the answer that I really wanted. (The last thing I want is a longer schedule.)
1. The details of how it happened were so strange, making God's hand in it even more obvious. I ended up not hearing about my blood work Mon. night and as a last minute thought, called JudyAnn to double-check that there wasn't any miscommunication (even though it's very unlikely that the hospital would have notification that I was coming if the blood work hadn't passed). When she called me back after I found out that the bed was already ready (VERY rare), she asked how I was doing. I gave her my report, which led to a call to Dr. Choy and the decision for me not to take chemo. I was totally shocked by this.
2. Mom and I had been praying separately that God would give Dr. Choy wisdom. Until this incident, he has leaned more toward treating me in a manner that has proven to work for people with bone cancer. His decision moved me out of the regular group and into my own category. I hadn't even remembered to tell him that the kids and Bob were sick, which would have probably made his decision that much easier considering my immune system really drops with this treatment.
3. I had also started praying that God would help me to not fix my hope on the end of treatment but truly on Him. I know that it's OK to look forward to the end, but there is a line that I could easily cross where my hope would truly not be in God but rather in circumstances. What good is that? God can control the circumstances, and putting hope in circumstances just leads to disappointment, ultimately. There's no way we can know what is going to happen, but God is always consistent. I am thankful, though, that the end of chemo seems to be drawing closer and that we believe we'll be entering a time of healing for our family (my body, the family routine and time together, raising the kids together rather than so much being on Bob, family involvement in activities with other friends' families), maybe even a return to a somewhat more normal life but hopefully forever changed in good ways by what God has been teaching us. So anyway, along with putting off my treatment, my schedule will be really up in the air, taken week by week. How's that for not being able to hope in the end (being the last week of Oct.)? It might not seem like much difference, but not knowing whether I'm staying or going over the next month will really maintain my sights on God, I believe.
So, there you have it. Answered prayer as well as answered prayer that I didn't even think to pray - God helped me see the good in the delay and not get too discouraged.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Medical Updates
The methotrexate hasn't hit me as hard this time, and I am so thankful. I'm exhausted as I was awakened frequently both nights. One of my awakenings was thanks to a doctor who woke me up to inform me that he was on the floor if I needed anything. "Besides my waking you up, is everything OK?" I was so out of it, I didn't even know how to respond. Mom heard the whole thing and was biting her tongue for all she was worth. After he left, I had fully awakened and then couldn't get back to sleep, so I had to take Adivan (anti-nausea drug that also helps with sleep). Adventures in chemotherapy.
I still have the thrush, so we're going to try another 5 days of anti-fungal medication. If it doesn't work, I'm stuck with keeping it at bay using the troche (like a lozenge) for the rest of my treatments. I'm hoping to get rid of it. It leaves a really gross taste in my mouth and makes eating that much more difficult 'cause things taste gross from it (especially water). So please pray that this will go away for good.
I have mouth sores again, but so far, they're not as bad as last time. They hurt, but I can still eat and swallow even though they are under my tongue again. I kept cold stuff in my mouth for 2 hours while the methotrexate was being administered, so maybe that helped some. Another prayer request - that these mouth sores will heal quickly, before the "big guns" treatment next week as that is when my immunities really drop and they could get much worse (like last time). (By the way, Lyndsey has a cold, so please pray that I won't catch it. She's very sneezy and has a runny nose...tough to stay away from those germs! God did keep the rest of us, perhaps with the exception of Ethan, from catching her flu bug she was battling last week.)
My eyes were wicked bloodshot this morning. They tend to get blood shot the first morning after treatment, but this was much worse and not fitting the same timeline. The dr. isn't concerned, and they aren't burning or dry. So, this is just a case of being unattractive. 8)
I do not need a blood transfusion at this point in time. My red blood cell count is still in the upper 20's, which will hold for a little while. Whew! Speaking of blood, I had a really weird experience with my port this time. The great thing about the port is that they take blood from it as well. I don't have to get stuck with a needle again; I barely even know it's going on. I guess that sometimes when I'm sleeping, the blood will go into the vile really slowly until I take a deeper breath, and then it gushes in. Well, this time when they were taking blood shortly after I arrived at the hospital, the blood just wouldn't come out. They tried having me take deep breaths, move my head (which affects the position of my neck where the tube goes through to the major vein), but it was just a trickle. At some point, I moved/relaxed just right, and the blood started flowing well. I was told not to move, and we got the viles filled no problem. It's kind of a weird feeling to know that blood is supposed to be coming out, but it isn't. As long as they stick me with a needle to retrieve it. You know how much I love needles.
Speaking of needles, I got my shot last week that shuts down my ovaries. (This is a HUGE needle, and I have to take it in the butt muscle. It's once every 3 months.) I was dreading getting it, but with God's help (and the EMLA cream), it was no problem. Thank You, Lord!
Dr. Choy and I had some lengthy discussion about the game plan from here on out. My body is indicating the toll of the chemo (frequent blood transfusions, mouth sores, ringing in ears), so they're going to ease up a bit. He's going to decrease the amount of 1 of the chemo drugs. Also, if my counts aren't right prior to an upcoming methotrexate treatment, we'll just skip it rather than putting it off a week and then resuming the regular schedule. I really feel like this is an answer to prayer in that I've been asking God to guide the doctor's decisions about my treatment.
I still have the thrush, so we're going to try another 5 days of anti-fungal medication. If it doesn't work, I'm stuck with keeping it at bay using the troche (like a lozenge) for the rest of my treatments. I'm hoping to get rid of it. It leaves a really gross taste in my mouth and makes eating that much more difficult 'cause things taste gross from it (especially water). So please pray that this will go away for good.
I have mouth sores again, but so far, they're not as bad as last time. They hurt, but I can still eat and swallow even though they are under my tongue again. I kept cold stuff in my mouth for 2 hours while the methotrexate was being administered, so maybe that helped some. Another prayer request - that these mouth sores will heal quickly, before the "big guns" treatment next week as that is when my immunities really drop and they could get much worse (like last time). (By the way, Lyndsey has a cold, so please pray that I won't catch it. She's very sneezy and has a runny nose...tough to stay away from those germs! God did keep the rest of us, perhaps with the exception of Ethan, from catching her flu bug she was battling last week.)
My eyes were wicked bloodshot this morning. They tend to get blood shot the first morning after treatment, but this was much worse and not fitting the same timeline. The dr. isn't concerned, and they aren't burning or dry. So, this is just a case of being unattractive. 8)
I do not need a blood transfusion at this point in time. My red blood cell count is still in the upper 20's, which will hold for a little while. Whew! Speaking of blood, I had a really weird experience with my port this time. The great thing about the port is that they take blood from it as well. I don't have to get stuck with a needle again; I barely even know it's going on. I guess that sometimes when I'm sleeping, the blood will go into the vile really slowly until I take a deeper breath, and then it gushes in. Well, this time when they were taking blood shortly after I arrived at the hospital, the blood just wouldn't come out. They tried having me take deep breaths, move my head (which affects the position of my neck where the tube goes through to the major vein), but it was just a trickle. At some point, I moved/relaxed just right, and the blood started flowing well. I was told not to move, and we got the viles filled no problem. It's kind of a weird feeling to know that blood is supposed to be coming out, but it isn't. As long as they stick me with a needle to retrieve it. You know how much I love needles.
Speaking of needles, I got my shot last week that shuts down my ovaries. (This is a HUGE needle, and I have to take it in the butt muscle. It's once every 3 months.) I was dreading getting it, but with God's help (and the EMLA cream), it was no problem. Thank You, Lord!
Dr. Choy and I had some lengthy discussion about the game plan from here on out. My body is indicating the toll of the chemo (frequent blood transfusions, mouth sores, ringing in ears), so they're going to ease up a bit. He's going to decrease the amount of 1 of the chemo drugs. Also, if my counts aren't right prior to an upcoming methotrexate treatment, we'll just skip it rather than putting it off a week and then resuming the regular schedule. I really feel like this is an answer to prayer in that I've been asking God to guide the doctor's decisions about my treatment.
Adventures for Aunt Dawn
The kids spent 2 nights at Uncle Jason and Aunt Dawn's house and were upset to leave today (to come home). It was great in that Lyndsey barely even knew I was gone to Boston, which was much easier on her. This also gave Bob a chance to recharge by having some down time and hanging out with friends. We really appreciate Dawn's sacrifice of taking on 3 kids while being pregnant, and boy, did they have some adventures (beyond just trying to get Lyndsey to eat her dinner).
Tuesday night, Anderson's first tooth fell out, but he didn't even know he had swallowed it. Dawn hadn't realized it was that loose or would not have given him an apple to eat; she felt bad! She quickly recognized Anderson's nervous response to her reaction and reassured him that other people have swallowed their teeth. Anderson thought it would be fun to not tell Mumma or Daddy and see if they noticed when they saw him. I even tried to trick him into telling me if he'd lost his tooth yet, but he was too smart for that.
Also Tuesday night, Ethan decided to roll over in the crib and sleep on his belly, little bugger. For those of you who might not be up on the latest theory, babies are supposed to sleep on their backs. We haven't had a problem with him rolling over in bed at home because he's still in the bassinet. We hope to have Lyndsey's princess bed ready soon so that she can move into that and Ethan can have the crib, giving him more space to move around when he's sleeping. So, Ethan's antics left Dawn trying to decide how important it was to keep him on his back and what she should do.
Wednesday, Dawn brought the kids to Cassie's house to play with her kids. They have a pool, and Lyndsey decided to go down the slide. (She had a life jacket on.) I don't think that she realized what would happen when she got to the bottom. She informed me that she did NOT like it, that it was scary. She survived her face going under the water (and being out of control) and followed Cassie's coaching to "swim" to the side of the pool, that she was OK.
Wednesday night, Jason built a campfire, and the kids roasted marshmallows. They saw a porcupine come out of the woods. (Lyndsey calls it a "pokeypine" because it has little pokies on its arms that can "get you and hurt".) Anderson told me that it smelled the marshmallows but then when it smelled the people, it decided to go back into the woods.
Today, on the way home, Dawn had a fender bender...yet more excitement for the kids. They got to see a fire truck, ambulance, and police! I was really amazed at Dawn's presence of mind in telling them to stay in their seat belts and locking them in the car while she talked to the police man. I'm not sure I would have thought of locking the doors, but I will remember it! (By the way, everybody was fine and hopefully the car won't be much to fix. The air bags didn't go off, which was good.)
So, the kids had a great time having a sleepover party at Aunt Dawn and Uncle Jason's house, and Aunt Dawn will certainly sleep well tonight! She is such a trooper.
Tuesday night, Anderson's first tooth fell out, but he didn't even know he had swallowed it. Dawn hadn't realized it was that loose or would not have given him an apple to eat; she felt bad! She quickly recognized Anderson's nervous response to her reaction and reassured him that other people have swallowed their teeth. Anderson thought it would be fun to not tell Mumma or Daddy and see if they noticed when they saw him. I even tried to trick him into telling me if he'd lost his tooth yet, but he was too smart for that.
Also Tuesday night, Ethan decided to roll over in the crib and sleep on his belly, little bugger. For those of you who might not be up on the latest theory, babies are supposed to sleep on their backs. We haven't had a problem with him rolling over in bed at home because he's still in the bassinet. We hope to have Lyndsey's princess bed ready soon so that she can move into that and Ethan can have the crib, giving him more space to move around when he's sleeping. So, Ethan's antics left Dawn trying to decide how important it was to keep him on his back and what she should do.
Wednesday, Dawn brought the kids to Cassie's house to play with her kids. They have a pool, and Lyndsey decided to go down the slide. (She had a life jacket on.) I don't think that she realized what would happen when she got to the bottom. She informed me that she did NOT like it, that it was scary. She survived her face going under the water (and being out of control) and followed Cassie's coaching to "swim" to the side of the pool, that she was OK.
Wednesday night, Jason built a campfire, and the kids roasted marshmallows. They saw a porcupine come out of the woods. (Lyndsey calls it a "pokeypine" because it has little pokies on its arms that can "get you and hurt".) Anderson told me that it smelled the marshmallows but then when it smelled the people, it decided to go back into the woods.
Today, on the way home, Dawn had a fender bender...yet more excitement for the kids. They got to see a fire truck, ambulance, and police! I was really amazed at Dawn's presence of mind in telling them to stay in their seat belts and locking them in the car while she talked to the police man. I'm not sure I would have thought of locking the doors, but I will remember it! (By the way, everybody was fine and hopefully the car won't be much to fix. The air bags didn't go off, which was good.)
So, the kids had a great time having a sleepover party at Aunt Dawn and Uncle Jason's house, and Aunt Dawn will certainly sleep well tonight! She is such a trooper.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
More tidbits
OK. So we played bocci last night as a family. Anderson insisted on it since Mumma could play too. (That made me feel so good.) I lost, but as I was heading up the stairs, Anderson said, "Mumma, you played bocci pretty good for a cancer person." What an encourager!
We're going to try another round of antibiotics against the thrush...5 days. If it doesn't work, I just have to put up with it until this is over. The troche do help some; they just haven't cured it. In spite of my efforts to gain weight this week, I didn't. I didn't lose any either though.
I was talking with Melissa the other night on the phone (a rarity these days - boy, was it nice to have girlfriend time with her). Some of what we talked about was how God is probably using this trial in my life in much larger ways that I could even dream of. I had lost sight of this phenomena that is often true when we look back on hard times, and I really appreciated that Melissa was reminding me of this hope (as in a certainty that I'm looking forward to, not hope meaning something I wish for). I know that He can see the big picture and has awesome plans, but sometimes I forget to dream about it. I was telling Melissa that sometimes I wish I could know some of the specifics of how God is using this season as it would be so encouraging. It's nice to hear that others are encouraged by what we share or by what they see, but to know of specifics in people's lives touches my heart on a different level and gives my heart courage. Well, God provided some specifics through a very special letter from my Dad. Isn't that cool?
We're going to try another round of antibiotics against the thrush...5 days. If it doesn't work, I just have to put up with it until this is over. The troche do help some; they just haven't cured it. In spite of my efforts to gain weight this week, I didn't. I didn't lose any either though.
I was talking with Melissa the other night on the phone (a rarity these days - boy, was it nice to have girlfriend time with her). Some of what we talked about was how God is probably using this trial in my life in much larger ways that I could even dream of. I had lost sight of this phenomena that is often true when we look back on hard times, and I really appreciated that Melissa was reminding me of this hope (as in a certainty that I'm looking forward to, not hope meaning something I wish for). I know that He can see the big picture and has awesome plans, but sometimes I forget to dream about it. I was telling Melissa that sometimes I wish I could know some of the specifics of how God is using this season as it would be so encouraging. It's nice to hear that others are encouraged by what we share or by what they see, but to know of specifics in people's lives touches my heart on a different level and gives my heart courage. Well, God provided some specifics through a very special letter from my Dad. Isn't that cool?
Monday, August 10, 2009
God's Provision
Well, we had a busy weekend, which meant that I've slept a bit better. Sat., we were able to go to Bob's grandmother's 90th birthday party up in Maine. I was amazed that I was able to do it, and thankful. "Gigi" looks great; we haven't seen her in a long time. I was also pleased that she got to meet Ethan. It was nice to see family and for the kids to be able to play with their second cousins. They had a lot of fun. Lyndsey fell in the lake but God protected her. Where she fell, it wasn't that deep, and Daddy was watching nearby. Talk about a heart attack though. Bob and I also had some quality time while driving in the car, something I've been craving.
I only ended up with 1 little mouth sore. Thank you, Lord! I know that this is a result of prayer. The thrush is pretty bad, but I'm trying to be tolerant and not let it get to me. I have 2 medications to try to keep it from getting worse.
Sunday, Bob and I got to go on a date while Mom and Dad stayed with the kids. We went to see the tall ships in Portsmouth. It was so nice to spend time with him. I've really missed that a lot and look forward to after chemo when things can be a bit more normal. We're getting closer to it.
Today, I miscommunicated and ended up with the kids all by myself, and God provided the energy I needed. I took all 3 to the library for the end of the summer reading celebration, and I was really surprised that I could manage it. Thankfully, God was giving me a day of decent energy (and the kids were well-behaved). I had help this afternoon and took a long nap; I was pretty tired by then!
So, I'm thankful for the ways that God has provided, especially in the area of my perspective and emotional health. It has been a rough few weeks, so the reprieve is much appreciated. Maybe the next few weeks will be easier. Regardless, I need to keep rehearsing what He has done, knowing that there will be more as well.
I only ended up with 1 little mouth sore. Thank you, Lord! I know that this is a result of prayer. The thrush is pretty bad, but I'm trying to be tolerant and not let it get to me. I have 2 medications to try to keep it from getting worse.
Sunday, Bob and I got to go on a date while Mom and Dad stayed with the kids. We went to see the tall ships in Portsmouth. It was so nice to spend time with him. I've really missed that a lot and look forward to after chemo when things can be a bit more normal. We're getting closer to it.
Today, I miscommunicated and ended up with the kids all by myself, and God provided the energy I needed. I took all 3 to the library for the end of the summer reading celebration, and I was really surprised that I could manage it. Thankfully, God was giving me a day of decent energy (and the kids were well-behaved). I had help this afternoon and took a long nap; I was pretty tired by then!
So, I'm thankful for the ways that God has provided, especially in the area of my perspective and emotional health. It has been a rough few weeks, so the reprieve is much appreciated. Maybe the next few weeks will be easier. Regardless, I need to keep rehearsing what He has done, knowing that there will be more as well.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Kids Update
Ethan is now 14 pounds, 5 ounces! He's in the 50th percentile on the average child chart, 25th percentile for length and head circumference. He continues to be a joy, full of smiles and babble.
Lyndsey has gone weeks with only 1 "accident". Woohoo! She even made it through my being gone for chemo (to my knowlege at least). This is great progress for her. We think the Strawberry Shortcake and Dora undies helped. She's under the weather right now, so please pray that she (and the rest of us) won't get sick.
Anderson has his first loose tooth! I can't believe that it's happening already! He's been listening to lots of stories this summer, encouraged by our weekly trips to the library and the reading competition. He's hoping he'll win a pop-up tent. Some time soon, we need to fit in school shopping as the first day of kindergarden is Sept. 1.
Lyndsey has gone weeks with only 1 "accident". Woohoo! She even made it through my being gone for chemo (to my knowlege at least). This is great progress for her. We think the Strawberry Shortcake and Dora undies helped. She's under the weather right now, so please pray that she (and the rest of us) won't get sick.
Anderson has his first loose tooth! I can't believe that it's happening already! He's been listening to lots of stories this summer, encouraged by our weekly trips to the library and the reading competition. He's hoping he'll win a pop-up tent. Some time soon, we need to fit in school shopping as the first day of kindergarden is Sept. 1.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Transfusion/Health Update
Thank you for praying about the mouth sores. They are nearly gone, and I am really appreciating being able to eat food that requires chewing (even if it doesn't taste right)! I get my methotrexate treatment this week, which is the one that causes mouth sores. So please pray that I won't get more. They hurt so badly! Also, I think that I lost weight from the days of not being able to eat much. Please pray that I'll be able to put it back on; I'll know Tues. when they weigh me in.
The transfusion was difficult. I had a reaction to the platelets which caused itchy throat and persistent cough (sort of like a mild asthma attack). They gave me Benadryl via IV to counteract the reaction, but I needed more to do the job. This led to too much, which put me into a stupor followed by 1/2 hour of flailing arms and such due to the adrenaline. God helped me cope, but it sure wasn't fun. I still don't feel like I've bounced back from it. The oncologist says it might also be "helped" by a steroid they probably gave me. (My transfusion was in Exeter.) So, I feel shaky, weak, emotional, and panicky at times. With each day, the shakiness and panic feelings in my chest seem to be lessening. Thank You, Lord. I am really struggling with all of it though. It's hard to tell my brain that my body is trying to trick me into thinking something is wrong. I have been doing a lot of reciting Scripture about not worrying and about God's love for me. He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, and His "precious" thoughts toward me can't even be counted. God knew that this was coming and has me in a Bible study with Julie about loving God with all your mind (taking thoughts captive, meditating on things that are true, pure, lovely, etc.). This is good. I was really struggling this afternoon and had 3 hours of quality time with God. God used this prayer/reading time to minister to my soul. I do feel like I rested in Him. Please pray that I will be able to do this moment by moment, particularly as I near my treatment this week. I do not feel ready for it, and that's a tough way to go into things. God can turn things around though.
The thrush is still persisting. The dr. and I will need to have a talk about it on Tues. I'm still rinsing with the Nystatin and will try Deanna's spicy suggestion.
My eyelashes and eyebrows are nearly gone (the eyelashes more so). I haven't even cried about it, so to me, that's evidence that God is growing me. I am thankful for a number of things related to this loss.
*My eyelashes aren't poking me in the eyes anymore due to not having any structure to hold them in the right direction.
*My eyelashes and eyebrows are so light that most people don't even seem to notice.
*I can see baby eyelashes trying to grow in. This reassures me that when all this is over, they'll come back.
Well, I guess that's all for now. Lyndsey wants me to look at pictures with her.
The transfusion was difficult. I had a reaction to the platelets which caused itchy throat and persistent cough (sort of like a mild asthma attack). They gave me Benadryl via IV to counteract the reaction, but I needed more to do the job. This led to too much, which put me into a stupor followed by 1/2 hour of flailing arms and such due to the adrenaline. God helped me cope, but it sure wasn't fun. I still don't feel like I've bounced back from it. The oncologist says it might also be "helped" by a steroid they probably gave me. (My transfusion was in Exeter.) So, I feel shaky, weak, emotional, and panicky at times. With each day, the shakiness and panic feelings in my chest seem to be lessening. Thank You, Lord. I am really struggling with all of it though. It's hard to tell my brain that my body is trying to trick me into thinking something is wrong. I have been doing a lot of reciting Scripture about not worrying and about God's love for me. He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, and His "precious" thoughts toward me can't even be counted. God knew that this was coming and has me in a Bible study with Julie about loving God with all your mind (taking thoughts captive, meditating on things that are true, pure, lovely, etc.). This is good. I was really struggling this afternoon and had 3 hours of quality time with God. God used this prayer/reading time to minister to my soul. I do feel like I rested in Him. Please pray that I will be able to do this moment by moment, particularly as I near my treatment this week. I do not feel ready for it, and that's a tough way to go into things. God can turn things around though.
The thrush is still persisting. The dr. and I will need to have a talk about it on Tues. I'm still rinsing with the Nystatin and will try Deanna's spicy suggestion.
My eyelashes and eyebrows are nearly gone (the eyelashes more so). I haven't even cried about it, so to me, that's evidence that God is growing me. I am thankful for a number of things related to this loss.
*My eyelashes aren't poking me in the eyes anymore due to not having any structure to hold them in the right direction.
*My eyelashes and eyebrows are so light that most people don't even seem to notice.
*I can see baby eyelashes trying to grow in. This reassures me that when all this is over, they'll come back.
Well, I guess that's all for now. Lyndsey wants me to look at pictures with her.
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