Prayer

Have you ever felt like you've just run out of words for God, like you just don't know what to say even though your heart longs to communicate with Him? There definitely are times when we need to be still before God and listen (one of my weaknesses, for sure). There are also times when Satan tries to deceive us about the futility of trying to pray. He knows that it's part of putting on the armor of God (Eph. 6:18). So what do you do when the words of praise just aren't there, when all that is left is pleadings about the circumstances?
We pray. God wants to hear what is on each of our hearts, and when all that is there are the pleadings, we ask for more. More awareness of what God is doing and has done, more understanding of Who He is, more focus on Him rather than me. This has been the struggle of the last week or so. I have found myself lacking expressions of praise and fighting to not just think about myself. What's interesting about this whole thing is that I could list plenty of things to be thankful for, but my heart was yearning to just be in His presence and worship Him. So, I asked for more. Want to hear how God provided?
The first provision was a book written by the author of the poem "Footprints". The verses, poems, and thoughts in it have walked me on paths through His Word. The second was a CD of hymns given to me by a friend. The hymns tend to focus on God, not just my feelings about God, so they have been helpful in redirecting me. The third was a book recommended by a friend. "Praying Through Suffering" contains heartfelt prayers and verses that seem to be serving as a springboard during prayer. I just think it's kind of cool how God used prayer to create a desire in my heart to focus on Him and then also provided the means for me to focus while praying. This is not a done deal; I still have a long way to go. But I'm thankful for the baby steps that He has opened my eyes to see.
OK, now for something a bit lighter - I have to tell you about the kids praying. As many of you know, I've been having trouble getting my Lovenox shots. Last week, Lyndsey was sitting on my pillow while I was lying on my stomach getting ready for the dreaded shot. She reached over and, putting her hand on my head, she prayed, "Jesus, thank you for this great day. Please help Mumma's shot not hurt. All-men". This so touched my heart; I wish you could have heard it. The next day, Lyndsey came into my room as I was getting the EMLA cream "placed" (1 hour before the shot) and prayed again. Then she went downstairs. Later, Anderson informed me that while I was getting my shot, he and Lyndsey were sitting on the couch praying that my shot wouldn't hurt (this time, Anderson's idea). Can you picture that, them sitting side by side on the couch? How precious. This definitely warms a mother's heart.

What a lot has happened since the last time I posted, and I'm surprised at how quickly I can forget God's goodness. I know that my emotional state plays into it significantly.
So, yesterday was a horrendous day, but today was better. I'm struggling with being overwhelmed by this whole process, and my tolerance for things like shots is dwindling with each "blow". Getting the Lovenox shots this weekend was extremely painful and did me in, enough that I broke the rules and didn't take some of them. (Me? Not follow the rules?) The EMLA cream helps me not feel the stick (if it's given in the right spot), but the injection of the fluid stings like crazy and considers to sting afterwards. By Sunday morning, it had driven me to anger, which is not a common reaction for me to pain. I'm questioning whether the "rules" that I currently have are overkill or not, especially considering that there weren't any clots in my legs and the ones in my lungs were so small that if the CAT scan hadn't been so good, they wouldn't have even seen them. Now I certainly don't want to play with fire, but anybody who's been through long-term medical care can probably identify with there being a limit to what a person can take. I've been doing a lot of praying about it, so please pray with me that God will give wisdom and guidance through this part of the journey. I trust that He has my health in His hands, in addition to and regardless of the medications I'm on. I am just not sure how to get from Point A to Point B on this leg of the journey.
Another part of the struggle is knowing when to get the blood transfusion. The dr. said to let him know if I'm still really tired this next week, but how tired is too tired? I know that there are risks to the blood transfusion, and it's a bit more complicated with regards to the blood thinners. We also want to minimize the number of transfusions that I need to have. Another thing that is overwhelming me, another thing to turn over to my Lord and trust Him that He will reveal to me what I need to do and at the right time.
In the midst of all of this, I'm really trying to "count my blessings". God has kept me from being as sick this time, both in terms of nausea and the rate of bouncing back. 2 cycles down. My Lovenox shot didn't hurt this morning (God answered Mom, Lyndsey, and my independent prayers while Mom administered it - found out we were all praying afterwards). I still haven't had mouth sores or thrown up, which is uncommon for healthy, young women. Last night, when I awoke feeling stressed about the shot, God put a hymn in my heart and mind and helped me go back to sleep. God has sent blessings of encouragement (although I have to say that I'm having a hard time truly experiencing them, accepting them. Why? I don't know as I know in my head He is so good. This will pass as I know God will bring me beyond it, but it's another part of the struggle).
OK. Off to my shot and bed. I'm really wiped out.

Hospital Update

Well, there is a lot to report; I've had u/s on my heart and legs to cover the bloodclots found in my lungs over the weekend - all clear. I will be having shots 2 times/day for the next 6 months to prevent future bloodclots. The ones in my lungs are not a threat, just a nuisance to breathing (as the heart echocardiogram revealed a strong, healthy heart.) Also, I am not having a blood transfusion at this time.

I'm nauseated but not throwing up yet - thank You, Lord. There are times that I feel like I will but so far so good. I slept very poorly last night as my chemo didn't finish until midnight, and I had been given a steroid as part of my pre-chemo cocktail...not good for sleep. I had forgotten that last time, I had 2 nights of chemo (both drugs), so we go back at it tonight, probably until midnight. I did catch a nap today.

I'd like to share how God is answering prayer. I had been quite stressed out since Monday. As I reflected on "why", I think it was going to Boston for these crazy drugs without Bob and concern about who the nurse administering the adriamycin would be, concern about the bloodclots as well as the multiple shots, just not wanting to go as I've developed some hospital and hospital food aversions. Well, I kept praying about it, and crying, and was so relieved to find out that my nurse, although a new one, had helped with a treatment before and I really trusted her. ALSO, she wanted to hear about why I was stressed. She came up with a great solution for the shots. There is a cream (EMLA) that numbs the skin, which I had picked up for accessing my port as the last time bothered me quite a bit. So, we're now using that to administer the Lovenox shots, and what a difference! Tonight's administrator of the chemo will be Lindsey, one of my favorites. This really helps put me at ease. So, God has shown His faithfulness once again. Please continue to pray against the mouth sores, vommitting, and nausea. It's really hard feeling like this.

Latest health development

This weekend was tough in that I was at the ER for 5 hours on Sat. to find out that I have "several" pulmonary embuli. Breathlessness was what brought on a call to my dr. and the directive to go to Frisbie for blood work, lung CAT scan (NOT fun), EKG. They're treating it with more Lovenox shots (3/day). I'm hoping that I'll be able to use Cumadin (sp?) instead since it's an oral medicine. We'll talk about it on Tues. when I go down for chemo. Whatever medication Dr. Choy puts me on, it will be for at least 6 months.

I have to say that the news on Sat. was really tough. Another struggle, another obstacle...yet I can also say another opportunity for God to show us Himself. Tough stuff though. I am thankful that they let me go home (since I'd been getting Lovenox shots from Bob after my hip surgery) and also that my breathing has improved. The ER dr. informed us that I could be in a lot worse shape (in a very nice way - I was glad that he told me how it could be). That is definitely something to be thankful for.

More things to be thankful for: We had a McD's picnic with the kids at the park today; it was good to do something sort of normal and just be around them. And, I ate my first Reese's peanut butter cup since chemo treatment started, and it actually tasted good. Until today, I had no desire for my favorite candy (nor ice-cream!), so it was a pleasant change, although temporary.

Are You Chicken?

My old roomie sent me a great care package. In it was a button a lot like the "easy button" but it says "Are you chicken?". When you push the button (which the kids LOVE to do!), it plays the chicken dance song. Yes, it served its purpose and made me laugh. (Video below - Yes, I'm wearing my wig.)

I also really appreciated her note about flapping her wings. It reminded me of our way back at UNH of encouraging each other to be courageous during trying times..."Let me hear you roar!" (taken from "I am woman. Hear me roar."). Back in those college days, a meow was just not an acceptable answer. Well, I'm trying to have courage and flap my wings, a tall order but oh so important. God gave me spunk for a reason; He knows my journey. He also gave me my college roomie for a reason...thanks, Julie!

Ethan Smiles