Two Years Ago

Wow! 2 years ago yesterday, I was a mother of a preemie newborn - teeny and precious - heading into a major surgery to remove cancer from my hip. What a lot has changed! I am now on the other side of chemotherapy (which was VERY daunting for me), I have lost my hair (another huge obstacle) and it's growing back...curly!, I have learned how to walk again and can do most of the things I could do before with my balance and strength continually improving, and the major struggle in life is to keep it from being too busy where I lose sight of my priorities. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? I am so thankful for where we are at and what is behind us, and I'm also actually thankful for what God brought us through, as crazy hard as it was. Not that I'd want to do it again! God is good, and I'm so thankful for the restoration He has done in our lives. I think it would be easy to think that it's all behind me and "return to normal" in a complacent way. I had been concerned about losing sight of the things that God was teaching me once through the valley, but God still helps me be mindful of trusting Him, spending time with Him, and remembering what is most important to me (because, of course, this is a continual process). This is the latest...

A few weeks ago, I was communicating with my oncologist. He had said that my risk of reoccurrence is still "moderately high" even though I'm 2 years out. I hadn't been thinking of my risk at this level, so it was a bit of a jolt. One week later, Ethan ended up at the doctor's office and required at-home nebulizer treatments. Lyndsey ended up in the ER with an ear infection. (While in the ER, I was processing a lot of memories of the stress and fear when Bob and I were there with my pulmonary embuli.) That week of caring for sick kiddoes, including the constant adjustments to schedule/plans, was taxing. I found myself exhausted, needing multiple naps a day and always feeling worn out. Because I was so very tired, I started to get scared. I wondered if cancer was growing in me, since fatigue had been a struggle back in 2008. I was caught off-guard by this resurgence of fear. It tried to plow me over like an ocean wave after a storm. It was a battle that I felt I needed to keep to myself, at least for the time being, not wanting to upset my loved ones. This battle with fear brought me to my knees and I knew that I needed to deliberately remember all that God had done and what He had taught me about Himself - His faithfulness, His provision, His love, that He is in control. I prayed a lot and tried to keep my thoughts focused on what I knew was true, which are things about God and NOT things about what might be. This wasn't easy.

Where am I at now? Well, I have more peace because my focus has shifted. (By the way, I go for a routine CT scan tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'll feel nervous tomorrow or not.) I know that God is helping me trust Him. I can see that this "scare" served to help me remember valuable lessons from 2009. It has diverted me from distractions to be mindful of the ways I want to utilize time - God, my family, and not so much computer/TV time (even if it is after the kids have gone to bed). I don't know where the path will lead, but I know I want to enjoy each day, one day at a time. There are a lot of great gifts in today, especially living with my kiddoes (and Bob). What a blessing.