Update

Well, a lot seems to be going on and at the same time, we're in the redundancy of "the cycle", trying to take care of myself so that I can get better and be ready to go back for more.

I've been struggling with perspective over the last week. It's been harder to focus on the positive and easier to be crabby and disillusioned. I know that there will be times of more and less discouragement, but I'm also wondering if cancer/chemo has stages kind of like the grieving process has stages. Does anybody have any knowledge about this? Maybe understanding how this tends to work and what might be coming would help me work with it better.

I'm reading "When I Lay My Isaac Down", and it's really challenging me. I've realized that one of the things I've needed to surrender was my dreams/expectations regarding Ethan's pregnancy and infancy. I think that God has just about brought me through that process, and it has been challenging with lots of tears. However, there definitely is more that I need to surrender to Him. Of course, giving up control (that truly is just an illusion anyway) has been ongoing...control of aspects of the kids' daily lives, my schedule, household decisions, how I walk, my health, etc. I hate to think of myself as a control freak, but when everything seems to be out of control, I'm realizing that a sense of control is more of a source of security than I realized. So, I see some hard changes on the horizon, and it won't be me that makes them. Only God can accomplish this, and that brings me to another area where I'm being stretched...trusting God. How absolutely crazy in that He is MOST trustworthy. However, I am human and this is where it's at. I want to trust Him with my days, not worrying about whether I'll have to do more chemo down the road or how I'm going to even make it through this one, but I am not. The book that I'm reading talked about Carol Kent having to work at trusting God with her son 1 minute at a time and then it turned to 5 minutes at a time. I think that's how it's going to be for me, asking Him to help me trust Him 1 minute at a time. This is a process, and it's not going to be in my timing.

On a lighter note, my hair has been short for over a week and buzzed (only 3 mm long) for a few days. Lyndsey touched it right after Bob buzzed it and told me that "it's sparkley", which I thought was very cute. Anderson seems to be doing fine with the change, handling it in his typical reserved way. The amazing thing to me is that my brother, Dan, was right about the no hair thing. He had told me weeks ago that the kids probably wouldn't even bat an eyelash at the change because people tend to see others as they've always known them (sort of by memory of what they have always looked like). Well, I wore my wig for the first time Sat. night, and my kids and Bob didn't even notice! Lyndsey walked into the bathroom, talked to me, and left without a comment about the hair. It wasn't until hours later that she started talking with me about my wig and asking questions like, "Where are yours sparkleys?" 8) Bob had a few minor interactions with me without any comment and then eventually commented in surprise, "Oh, you have the wig on! I didn't even notice!" Anderson wouldn't have commented right away anyway, so I'm not sure when he noticed, and of course, Ethan doesn't care about his Mumma's hair. So, Dan was right. The obstacles with the hair at this point are 1. getting the wig to fit right since it couldn't be done before and 2. learning how to sleep. I've found that my body can't seem to regulate its temperature now that I don't have insulation. I keep waking up, hot then cold. Last night was a bit better perhaps because I didn't sleep with a pillow and left the fan on. It's a work in progress.