Tough Days

The last few days have been really tough. I'm still feeling pretty yucky, which doesn't help, but I'm also experiencing a lot of fears and doubts. The fears are that the chemo isn't what my body needs (based on proposed theories about cancer being a fungus and "fed" by what we eat - this might sound crazy, but the possibility that it could be true makes me at least have to look at it) and that I will have suffered through it and it not work. I am struggling with hearing AGAIN "you have cancer (or another tumor)". The doubts about whether I should even do the chemo have been drowning me in tears and constant battle to take my thoughts captive. (Keep in mind that mine is a unique cancer and therefore one that the doctors don't know a lot about. They are treating it like bone cancer, which they do know about, and say my prognosis is good if I do the chemo. Do I trust their judgment? - Notice that I did not say "trust them" as that would be relying on them knowing all, which they can't as they are human.)

OK. So that's the ugliness of my thoughts and feelings, what I'm struggling with. The truths are that God is sovereign (reigns over my body, as small on the universe scale as it is) and knows the outcome of all of this. He can (and maybe has) cure me, and Him only. Focusing on my circumstances is not going to help me get through this; focusing on my God, and Who He is, will help me get through this because that is where my confidence lies - in God and God alone. This is not always how I feel nor even sometimes what I think when I'm "stuck", but feelings do not always reveal the truth. I am praying that God will guide us on the path that He wants us to take, and I would so prefer it not to be chemo. However, the choice is not mine nor do I really want it to be.

In the midst of all of this, there are some weird puzzle pieces that I'm not sure where they fit. It's interesting that twice this past week, "people" had discussions with me that raise doubts about the chemo. As you can imagine, this rattled me. God, what is Your purpose in this? Is it to make me question and then come out more resolved than ever? Is it to change my course of treatment? Is it to make me pose certain questions to the dr.? Is it to make me come to a point where I relinquish more control that I'm not realizing I'm harboring? (I know that giving up control is a theme throughout all of this - "Be still and know that I am God." has been my theme verse since being pregnant.) I also have been reading "When I Lay My Isaac Down", and these verses in Genesis were again brought to my attention from a different direction this weekend. Is there something I need to surrender - my health, perhaps? By this I don't mean not want to be healthy but rather surrender good health to God's perfect plan, whatever that means. Yikes!

OK. So I've shared my personal thoughts, but I really don't want feedback. This request is for my mental health, so please be respectful of it. In general, I really value feedback, but in this case, I really can't work through all the opinions.