My Emotional State

Here is a rarity...a posting from Sarah. I have wanted to use the blog but time just doesn't allow it for the most part. I wanted to take a quick minute to share what God is doing; hopefully, it will encourage you too.

Last Friday was a brutal day for me - lots of tears, lots of struggles with my thoughts and how to approach the upcoming chemo, lots of raw emotion about the "futility of this situation". In the midst of it, I knew that this is part of the Deceiver's attempts to take my attention away from God. (The Bible says that he roams about like a lion seeking whom he may devour. This is definitely true in my experience.) So I questioned, "What do I do about these thoughts and emotions?" I struggled. I prayed and cried and prayed, asking God to help me and knowing that He has proven again and again that He is faithful to sustain me. "Why am I struggling with these doubts and fears when I know better?" I found myself asking and then answering myself with, "because I'm human". I knew that tiredness was a major factor in my emotional state of feeling lost and hopeless. You know what? God was still good even though I was not trusting Him. (After all, was it any surprise to Him? Did I let Him down or surprise Him?) Once again, He seized the opportunity to show His love. The gift of that day was having me go to bed at 7:30 (only 1 hour after getting up from a 2 hour nap!) so that I could get through the night because Ethan was up 12:30-4:30 Sat. AM with gas issues. I am so thankful for God's provision of sleep as the alternative would not have been pretty.

God's provision didn't stop there. Sat. morning, I woke up in a much better emotional state. A friend encouraged me to read Phil. 4, which talks about what kinds of things to think about (true, lovely, pure, just, praiseworthy) and to not be anxious but pray to God about everything. [In return, He gives peace that passes understanding to guard our hearts and minds.] I could see how thinking about things that are true applies to dealing with cancer (e.g., not allowing myself to go down the road of "what ifs" or thinking certain things will happen - like puking my brains out - when I don't know if that is going to be my reality), but the other things in the list were confusing me. How do things that are lovely, pure, just, etc., apply to cancer and chemotherapy? Bob had a great response - God has all those attributes. I'm to keep my mind on Him! Hello! Of course! And guess what? When I'm thinking about God and Who He is, my perspective also changes.

A bunch of other things also happened over the next 3-4 days that promoted the idea of knowing God for WHO He is and letting my thoughts linger there...a couple of worship songs that Bob found (and has posted on the site), a card from my sister-in-law with a note she'd written, verses sent over e-mail to the women's Bible study of which I'm a part, a reminder about a book I'm borrowing about the names of God and what they reveal about His character, notes in a card from strangers. So you see, I'm in awe of how all these pieces to a puzzle are fitting together to point me to where God wants me. He wants me to rest in Him and one way this is possible is by dwelling on who He is and finding peace in His character that is totally predictable and never changes. Obviously, this is much easier said than done, but for these days, God has graciously given me peace in knowing that this is what He wants my response to be - to want to know Him and to seek to know Him better. This isn't about brownie points or going through the motions of "doing what is right". It's about my Father who just wants me to relate with Him. Obviously, the better I know Him, the more sweet those interactions will be. So, I'm encouraged. But this really isn't about just my encouragement. Truly, God wants each of us to know Him and to experience the peace found during struggles when we know His character in a personal way. I believe that every struggle (and victory) is an opportunity to know another aspect of God, but it can fly right past us if we're not paying attention. (I think that it's a lot like human relationships where experiences can draw people closer together, knowing each other more intimately, if the people take advantage of the insights gained by sharing an experience.)