What a lot has happened since the last time I posted, and I'm surprised at how quickly I can forget God's goodness. I know that my emotional state plays into it significantly.
So, yesterday was a horrendous day, but today was better. I'm struggling with being overwhelmed by this whole process, and my tolerance for things like shots is dwindling with each "blow". Getting the Lovenox shots this weekend was extremely painful and did me in, enough that I broke the rules and didn't take some of them. (Me? Not follow the rules?) The EMLA cream helps me not feel the stick (if it's given in the right spot), but the injection of the fluid stings like crazy and considers to sting afterwards. By Sunday morning, it had driven me to anger, which is not a common reaction for me to pain. I'm questioning whether the "rules" that I currently have are overkill or not, especially considering that there weren't any clots in my legs and the ones in my lungs were so small that if the CAT scan hadn't been so good, they wouldn't have even seen them. Now I certainly don't want to play with fire, but anybody who's been through long-term medical care can probably identify with there being a limit to what a person can take. I've been doing a lot of praying about it, so please pray with me that God will give wisdom and guidance through this part of the journey. I trust that He has my health in His hands, in addition to and regardless of the medications I'm on. I am just not sure how to get from Point A to Point B on this leg of the journey.
Another part of the struggle is knowing when to get the blood transfusion. The dr. said to let him know if I'm still really tired this next week, but how tired is too tired? I know that there are risks to the blood transfusion, and it's a bit more complicated with regards to the blood thinners. We also want to minimize the number of transfusions that I need to have. Another thing that is overwhelming me, another thing to turn over to my Lord and trust Him that He will reveal to me what I need to do and at the right time.
In the midst of all of this, I'm really trying to "count my blessings". God has kept me from being as sick this time, both in terms of nausea and the rate of bouncing back. 2 cycles down. My Lovenox shot didn't hurt this morning (God answered Mom, Lyndsey, and my independent prayers while Mom administered it - found out we were all praying afterwards). I still haven't had mouth sores or thrown up, which is uncommon for healthy, young women. Last night, when I awoke feeling stressed about the shot, God put a hymn in my heart and mind and helped me go back to sleep. God has sent blessings of encouragement (although I have to say that I'm having a hard time truly experiencing them, accepting them. Why? I don't know as I know in my head He is so good. This will pass as I know God will bring me beyond it, but it's another part of the struggle).
OK. Off to my shot and bed. I'm really wiped out.