Appointments in Boston

Today, Bob, Elyana, and I went to Boston for an appointment with the cardio-oncologist. I really liked him and felt very encouraged by our meeting. He was a good listener and seemed to "get" me and my normal lifestyle. He was very supportive of what the local oncologist is doing (which is always encouraging) and was very informative about what seems to be going on and how to respond to it. The bottom line is that I seem to be making progress based on my symptoms improving. (Blood pressure isn't spiking nor dropping. I have a long way to go, but I have more energy than I did and get less winded when moving around.) He helped me understand how to assess whether I'm making progress (which isn't solely based on the numbers we'll get when I have the heart ultrasound in July) and gave me good guidance for resuming a little bit of activity. He can't be sure if the cardiomyopathy is due to the chemotherapy because we don't have a baseline heart ultrasound in the last year, but if I show improvement in July, he is optimistic that I will continue to improve and bounce back to normal. He couldn't give me a timeline of when I'll be off the meds because they won't just have me go off them; it will be a process. All in all...a good meeting. It was also great to be told that I can call or e-mail him any time with questions! I also had a good appointment with Dr. Choy...more on that in a week when all is "official". How's that for a teaser?!

Cardiologist Appointment

I saw the cardiologist yesterday, and it was a very encouraging appt. I've had a lot of question marks with regards to what I can't do, what would happen if I overdid it, whether it's safe for me to be alone, what various physical symptoms mean. Although I don't now have all the answers, I do know a few things...1. The dr. liked what he heard when he listened to my heart and lungs. He thinks I'm making progress, that the medications are doing what they should. 2. The dr. increased my medication, which is a good thing. I'm now at a clinical level/dose, as the dr. thinks my body can handle it, which also means that the medicine should be working most effectively. 3. I am fine by myself and really just need to watch for light-headedness which would mean too much diuretic and that it's time to sit down, eat some Doritos (salty), and call the dr. 4. The dr. is "cautiously optimistic" that this will not be a permanent diagnosis, that my body will heal. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, God is still in control, holding my heart in the palm of His hand. This truly has been my comfort each night as I fall asleep, even when I had more questions than answers.

The Latest Updates

So much has been going on, and I now have a few minutes before Elyana's next feeding, taking my meds, and going to bed. Here are the latest updates... My latest diagnosis On Friday, we went to the ER because I was feeling breathless and just not right. I thought I needed more blood or had a pulmonary embulism; however, the problem was actually that my heart was enlarged and functioning at 1/3 capacity, allowing fluid to collect in my lungs among other places. This came as a big shock to me and Bob, but we were also grateful that we didn't ignore the symptoms. The diagnosis is postpartum cardiomyopathy, which means weakening of the heart post-partum. They don't know what causes this, but for many women who have it, the heart strengthens with a few months of medicinal intervention and rest. I am praying that I am 1 of those women and that this isn't a result of the chemotherapy I received 5 years ago. The medications I'm taking make it easier for my heart to do its job, and hopefully God will fully heal it. In the meantime, I'm supposed to be mellow, restful, and not allow myself to feel winded. This is a big adjustment for me (and our family). Oh, and I found out last weekend that my blood count is almost back up to normal...good news that came after a very discouraging day. Praise We came home from the hospital yesterday, and YES! I was able to go to Anderson's baptism. What a HUGE blessing! Thank You, God! It was a very special time shared with my parents, sibs who are in-state, and friends. We're very proud of this step of obedience that he took. I made it through the service but was definitely very ready for bed, feeling weak/fatigued. Today - I felt quite "normal" when I woke up this morning...amazing what a good night's sleep in bed with my hubby does for me! (and that's in spite of Elyana's night feedings!) It was wonderful to fall asleep in Bob's arms, something that can too easily be taken for granted. The morning was very tiring as we spent it going to the pediatrician's. (see below) But, I did it without heart flutters/breathlessness, and I took a good long nap this afternoon. By tonight, I'm definitely feeling quite weak, but I'm encouraged at the stronger start to the day. That is progress. I'm also so thankful that Mom is here helping us. It's ridiculous (and surprising to me) how little energy I have BUT I am so thankful that God is giving my body energy to make milk for Elyana. I have plenty. Doctor's visit for the kids - Elyana was checked today regarding whether my medications seem to be affecting her. So far, so good. She has gained weight and although they couldn't take her blood pressure (too little to get a good read), symptomatically, she seems to be unaffected. Please pray that my milk will continue to be good for her little body. Ethan was also checked today as he is working on week 4 of a cold that won't quit and it has settled in his lungs. He's now on antibiotics for 5 days and nebulizer treatments. When Ethan prayed at bedtime, he thanked God for the bubble-gum-flavored medicine, so obviously, it isn't bothering him. 8) The next few days will be spent resting between going out to get bloodwork done, having Elyana's weight checked, and a cardiologist visit. I am looking forward to being home tomorrow.

Chapter 2: Another Baby Adventure

  It all started last August when Sarah and Lyndsey's prayers were answered with the news that Sarah was pregnant.  Although the majority of the pregnancy was uneventful, the ending was intense.
  Two weeks ago, during a routine OB visit, Sarah's blood pressure was unusually high (144/100).  The kids were sick, and she was tired from interrupted sleep and perhaps might have been fighting it off.  There wasn't protein in her urine.  The next regularly scheduled visit showed her pressure was reasonable; however, there was a trace of protein in her urine (another symptom of preeclampsia).  A few days later, her blood pressure had risen again, and Sarah was not feeling right.
  Sarah's doctors admitted her to Wentworth Douglas Hospital in Dover on Thursday to determine if she indeed had preeclampsia or if it was something else causing the high blood pressure.  Before coming to a full diagnosis, it was determined that it was time to get the baby out.  Since Dover will not induce a mother that previously had a c-section, they wanted to transfer her to Dartmouth Hitchcock in Hanover, NH.
  After a two-hour ambulance ride, Sarah was admitted to Dartmouth.  We originally thought that they would start inducing on Friday morning, but the doctors at Dartmouth had the staffing and thought the sooner the better.  So, Bob drove up Thursday night with Sarah's mom.  They arrived at 1:30am.

  Then the "fun" began.

• 2:15am - The doctors broke Sarah's water.
• 2:30am - 3cm dilated. Steady laboring started (steady contractions)
• 5:30am - Sarah went to labor in Jacuzzi tub.  (Bob feel asleep on stool beside tub)
• 6:30am - Sarah had now been up for 24hrs (was very hungry, weak, and tired, emotionally and physically)
• 8:10am - 8cm
• 8:55am - "I want to push"
• 9:10am - Elyana Jean Levasseur is born!

         7lbs 5oz and 20 inches (3-inch feet, long fingers and toes (nails too))

  Then the reason there was no updates...

• 11:00am - Sarah is still bleeding from birth.  She decides to get up and try to sit on toilet.
• 12:35pm - Sarah passes out on toilet.  Nurses get her back into the bed.
• 12:40pm - Doctors reach in and pull out large clots.
• 1:40pm - Bleeding still not stopping, so they wheel Sarah into OR for spinal and more "manual" blood clot evacuation.
• 2:30pm - Kids came to visit.  (Sarah stays in bed due to spinal.)
• 3:00pm - Sarah's is checked by nurse and clots still coming out.
• 4:00pm - Kids and Sarah's mom leave with Dawn (some-what hurriedly as Sarah was fading)
• 4:01pm -
• Six doctors and nurses hovered over Sarah's bed as she is shivering uncontrollably.  
• Blood pressure drops to 72/49.
• Sarah goes on oxygen and fights to not pass out again.
• Sarah has another "manual" cleaning out.
• Sarah starts blood transfusions...2 pints.
• Doctors start talking about how to get the lower uterus to contract so that the bleeding will stop as well as potential causes.
• 5:30pm - Sarah's mom didn't leave and is now in room as doctors discuss next steps if the bleeding doesn't stop (possible hysterectomy - removal of uterus).
• 5:35pm - Final ultrasound reveals little cavity where c-section incision was made, might be the location of the bleeding.  Doctors discuss next step procedures with Sarah.
• 7:30pm - No sign of bleeding.
• 12:30am - Sarah is cleared to eat (toast and juice).  It has been 14 hours since she has been allowed to eat or drink.

  What a day!  We are really sorry about the lack of communication, but think you can understand why.  It wasn't that we didn't want to share what was going on, but rather the status kept changing.  We reported many times that mother and baby were doing great, then 30 minutes later Momma wasn't doing so well.  Elyana thus far has been unfazed by all the hubbub going on around her.
  I am happy to report that Sarah is doing well today.  She has been out of bed a bit and moving around on her own.  Next ... taking a much deserved and needed shower (been a few days).

Levasseur Projects

Fun with Daddy!


Fun with Mumma!
Our big Nor'Easter on April 1, school was canceled. I went outside with the kids (including our nextdoor neighbor), and we built a COOL snow fort! Some of the balls we used for the walls required a team effort to finish rolling them and maneuvering them into place. We had fun (and it melted in 2 days!).

Anniversary

OK. Time to catch up a bit...what else is new?! We celebrated our 11th anniversary on March 18th. We were able to go away for the weekend to A Weekend to Remember, a Family Life marriage conference. It was fantastic!! What a weekend! God knew just what we needed, of course.

I have been looking forward to this conference for 2 years. We went once when we were newlyweds, and I was sensing it was time to go again as it's a great way to retreat and spend deliberate, fun time on the marriage. Well, I lined it all up and then had to cancel because Bob had a work implementation that weekend that wasn't going to change. I canceled the "babysitter" and hotel room and found friends to take our reserved spot at the conference. 9 days before the conference, Bob found out that his implementation had been postponed. (This is the first time this has ever happened for him!) So, I began to see if God was going to open doors for us to be able to go; He was going to have to work it all out as the chances of there still being a hotel room available and somebody to watch the kids all weekend were slim. But, it all came together (and the couple who graciously "gave back" our tickets ended up able to attend for free!).

We really needed this getaway to focus on us. A year ago, Mom gave me a pretty little tin with a note in it that said our anniversary gift was that she was going to pray for us in our marriage every day of the year. How wise that was! The aftermath of our year of cancer and chemo had reared its ugly face over the year. I have to say that I didn't see this coming as I had thought that the year of fatigue, sickness, healing from surgeries, and adjusting to lots of new changes was when we would really "feel it". However, God so graciously gave us strength and maintained our marriage during incredible stress, and grief. This last year was sort of like once we started to try to adapt back to life and rediscover "normal", our relationship was more susceptible to tension and lacking closeness. I've thought some of the causes of this kind of struggle might have been 1. expectations of one another (whereas during our hard year, we had to be very flexible with one another), 2. adjusting to changes that were more permanent rather than temporary (temporary being things like my not having any hair, my parents living with us, etc.), 3. needing to re-establish good habits in place of habits that had allowed us to cope with our situation. Regardless, it's been a year of growing pains and victories, and I was so thankful to have the weekend to reflect on our relationship's strengths and weaknesses as well as enjoy each others company. What a treasure!
NOTE: We highly recommend the Weekend to Remember for ANY married couple...the format is conducive to laughing, learning, thinking about and sharing answers to interesting questions with one another, and spending one-on-one time together.

Updates

Ethan's Birthday...My "little man" is 2! Agh!! He's in the 50th percentile for height and weight, and he enjoys puzzles, reading a story, and stacking blocks (and then crashing them). He's talking up a storm, although I struggle to understand many of his words. He's trying though! We're enjoying watching him try to keep up with Anderson and Lyndsey, most of the time. Here are some photos...2 birthday photos, 1 photo of a good "big boy" moment and another of one that took my breath away.






Anniversary update - 11 years! Bob and I had a great anniversary. Mom and Dad watched the kids, and we were able to go away to a marriage retreat. The weekend was wonderful, and we're so thankful for the opportunity to focus exclusively on our marriage for a few days. And it was wonderful to go back to the kids too!

Health update - Another clean bill of health. Praise God!

Two Years Ago

Wow! 2 years ago yesterday, I was a mother of a preemie newborn - teeny and precious - heading into a major surgery to remove cancer from my hip. What a lot has changed! I am now on the other side of chemotherapy (which was VERY daunting for me), I have lost my hair (another huge obstacle) and it's growing back...curly!, I have learned how to walk again and can do most of the things I could do before with my balance and strength continually improving, and the major struggle in life is to keep it from being too busy where I lose sight of my priorities. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? I am so thankful for where we are at and what is behind us, and I'm also actually thankful for what God brought us through, as crazy hard as it was. Not that I'd want to do it again! God is good, and I'm so thankful for the restoration He has done in our lives. I think it would be easy to think that it's all behind me and "return to normal" in a complacent way. I had been concerned about losing sight of the things that God was teaching me once through the valley, but God still helps me be mindful of trusting Him, spending time with Him, and remembering what is most important to me (because, of course, this is a continual process). This is the latest...

A few weeks ago, I was communicating with my oncologist. He had said that my risk of reoccurrence is still "moderately high" even though I'm 2 years out. I hadn't been thinking of my risk at this level, so it was a bit of a jolt. One week later, Ethan ended up at the doctor's office and required at-home nebulizer treatments. Lyndsey ended up in the ER with an ear infection. (While in the ER, I was processing a lot of memories of the stress and fear when Bob and I were there with my pulmonary embuli.) That week of caring for sick kiddoes, including the constant adjustments to schedule/plans, was taxing. I found myself exhausted, needing multiple naps a day and always feeling worn out. Because I was so very tired, I started to get scared. I wondered if cancer was growing in me, since fatigue had been a struggle back in 2008. I was caught off-guard by this resurgence of fear. It tried to plow me over like an ocean wave after a storm. It was a battle that I felt I needed to keep to myself, at least for the time being, not wanting to upset my loved ones. This battle with fear brought me to my knees and I knew that I needed to deliberately remember all that God had done and what He had taught me about Himself - His faithfulness, His provision, His love, that He is in control. I prayed a lot and tried to keep my thoughts focused on what I knew was true, which are things about God and NOT things about what might be. This wasn't easy.

Where am I at now? Well, I have more peace because my focus has shifted. (By the way, I go for a routine CT scan tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'll feel nervous tomorrow or not.) I know that God is helping me trust Him. I can see that this "scare" served to help me remember valuable lessons from 2009. It has diverted me from distractions to be mindful of the ways I want to utilize time - God, my family, and not so much computer/TV time (even if it is after the kids have gone to bed). I don't know where the path will lead, but I know I want to enjoy each day, one day at a time. There are a lot of great gifts in today, especially living with my kiddoes (and Bob). What a blessing.

Then and Now

Valentine's Day last year was especially noteworthy in that Bob and I went on a date where I did NOT wear my wig, and we danced (first time since before I was pregnant). So, it was kind of neat to see how much has changed as of this Valentine's Day. 8) Again, we danced, and we also went cross-country skiing (4 miles!). This felt really good in that I hadn't gone skiing for 3 years, and Bob and I were able to return to an activity outside, which is something that we used to enjoy doing. Here are some pictures. Look at last Valentine's Day's post for what we looked like then.)

Seasoned Mom...what's that?

I think it's so cool that as Moms, we need each other. God reminds me of that as He uses mother friends (including my Mom, grandmothers, and aunts!) to encourage and advise me. It's amazing how it can be so hard to see something that is right in front of my face; I'm just too close to the situation. This happened on Friday.
Ethan woke up with a fever. I lamented the beginning of the flu in our house, assuming it was that as many friends have been battling it. Fever is one of the common symptoms. The worst part of it all was that I had commitments and a fun date night with Bob planned for that day! As I worked through that and many other obstacles the day presented, I was thankful that God has been changing me. A while back, this would have thrown me into a tale spin as I tried to change the situation or at least make the desired outcome happen. I was reminded that I needed to just surrender to whatever the day held, and I tried to proceed with meeting Ethan's needs and rearranging plans. As I was discussing Ethan's symptoms with Christine (fever but great appetite and normal behaviors and nap), she asked, "Do you think that he might be cutting teeth?" As I started to think through this, my first thought was that I didn't think so. It was kind of funny though because I was commenting on how the kids tend to get a bad rash when they cut teeth...and it dawned on me that last weekend he had a horrible rash! (I hadn't put that together with the fever as it was 5 days ago.) Hmmmm...Hours later, I was sharing this with another friend, and she mentioned that her kids chew on their fingers. Another memory came to mind; Ethan was chewing on his fingers the night before, after hanging out with some kids that 1 of whom sucks her fingers. Since it looked like what she does, I thought that he was just copying her. Maybe not. Since the fever hasn't returned and he's been perfectly fine since, the data seems to point to teeth (2 year molars?). I don't think I would have even though of it in spite of going through the teething of 3 kids, but thanks to a fellow Mom, the mystery was solved and Bob and had our date! 8)

The Latest Decision

In Luke 5, Jesus commanded "Follow me" and we noticed in Bible study how obedient the response was...simple directions (without a lot of information) and an unquestioning response of action without asking for details. It really struck me that God asks that of me at times too (and I don't like it!). And I sensed that this was also His response to a decision that I was pondering. On Monday, I had told a friend about how I've been convicted to be less busy, to try to give God my time and not fill it too much, even with things that are "good". That night, I received an e-mail from my previous employer offering me a decent amount of money to do some contract work at home. There was a fairly short deadline, but I could take on part or all. The earlier conversation with my friend (and how it promoted accountability to what has been on my mind), and I started to pray about it. I was leaning toward "no" when Bob responded to the forwarded e-mail in a "go for it" kind of way (not as I expected). I started to second-guess my thoughts toward "no" and continued to pray. I began to wonder if I was chickening out of using that part of my brain/taking on that kind of challenge, or just trying to keep my life simple. (Yea, I know. Who said "simple" is a bad thing?) Thoughts came to me that maybe God was providing this opportunity for me to keep me from losing all connection with my academic/professional side. Then I remembered my Dad and my earlier conversation about how adding anything to a schedule (we were talking about painting the house) means you have to take something out. As I discussed this with Bob, I started to realize that if I wasn't careful, I would be replacing things like sleep, exercise, and time with God to do this work. I wondered if that contract work has any lasting value as far as what's important to God. It could provide income for some friends who have tight finances (childcare, using some of the money toward hiring a friend out of work to paint, friends in Saudi Arabia). I prayed that God would give me clarity...and then Jesus's words, "follow me". At that point, it seemed clear. I just knew what I needed to do. It still was hard to send off that e-mail declining the offer though!

Oh, and 1 more detail!! I can't believe I forgot! The day after I declined, I received a beautifully written paper to hang up containing Jeremiah 29:11-13. I don't know who it was from, but the timing was incredible!! This is one of my favorite passages, but besides that, it's about how God knows the plans He has for me (and you!), plans to prosper and not to harm, to give a future and a hope. Isn't that cool?! It definitely was affirmation of the decision I made. 8)

Interesting...

Ethan loves to look at photos and name people, particularly Daddy, Anderson, and Mollie. He was going through everybody in our Disney picture that's on the refrigerator, and when I put him in his highchair for lunch, he began naming people in our family photo hanging on the wall. The family photo is from when he was 3 weeks old. He could name everybody (I informed him of "Baby Ethan"), but when I would point to me, he wouldn't answer. I'd go back around and he'd name the others but have nothing to say when I pointed to me. He didn't know who I was! This was very interesting to me since he has seen me with all variations of hair - wig, no hair, hats, curly hair. When he was quite little, I'd walk into the room, and he'd never even look at what I did or did not have on my head (which surprised me then as most little ones look at you funny when something changes like hats or glasses). So, at this point, he doesn't recognize photos of me with long, lighter colored hair. Interesting...

Christmas Letter 2010

I realized that some people might like to read our Christmas letter as it is a synopsis of 2010. Here it is.

Merry Christmas! We hope this letter finds you enjoying the holiday season. Would you like to hear about the Levasseur craziness in 2010? Never boring with us - we always have a few stories to tell. From losing weight and a bet to running through airports with ALL our luggage, 3 kids, and a cane; from Ethan’s trip to the emergency room as well as x-rays for everybody except Bob to the fun of camping with family (in spite of Anderson throwing up in the tent BOTH times!) and a 6-mile Levasseur family bike ride to Lone Oak for ice-cream, we’ve been busy!
While Sarah was trying to gain weight after chemo, Bob was trying to lose weight after all those yummy meals provided in 2009. While watching “The Biggest Loser”, I (Bob) proclaimed, “I bet I could lose 10lbs in a week.” Sarah promptly replied, “That’s impossible...If you lost 10 lbs in a week, I would buy you a Wii.” I lost 12. I started biking to work (~20mi) as well as running on the off days. I ran my first race since high school, a 10.7-mile leg of a relay race around Lake Winnipesaukee (those hills hurt!). Sarah has bounced back to a healthy weight and is able to work out again. Her strength and stamina have improved greatly, even allowing her to wrestle with Anderson. She also has to tame her “curly ‘fro” every morning! Can you believe we are approaching 2 years of being cancer-free?! Praise God!
As for Anderson, Lyndsey, and Ethan, they have all grown so much. Anderson is “all” schoolboy. He has lost most of his baby teeth with the adult teeth nearly filling all the gaps. He loves any sport and enjoyed playing baseball on a team last spring. (Bob coached.) Lyndsey continues to be tall for her age. She still loves to sing (loudly), dance, and play the piano - sometimes all at the same time! She loves to “help”, serenading the sad/lonely (even Sadie, Grammie’s dog). Ethan is walking and running. He loves to explore on his own. One night while putting the kids to bed, I (Bob) noticed Ethan was no longer in the room. In less than 5 minutes Ethan was off, down the stairs, out the sliding glass door, and half-way to the neighbor's house. If it is weren’t for the fact that he was barefoot on a rock path, he might have escaped totally. His favorite past-time lately is wrestling, hugging, or anything to be close.
Last spring, we took a much-needed family vacation to Florida for 3 weeks. The kids were so excited to go on a plane for the first time. Bob answered Anderson’s questions about knowing if the plane were going to crash by telling him that if he saw Jesus walking down the aisle, he would know. “And if you see Jesus, you won’t care about crashing.” Bob didn’t think about the all the potential Jesus look-a-likes out there. Lyndsey was less nervous; she was just excited to go “as fast as Daddy’s car” during take-off. While in Florida, we enjoyed Disney and Sea World with Sarah’s parents and grandmother as well as Courtney, Erik, and Mollie (their 1yr old daughter). We also celebrated Lyndsey’s 4th birthday with Papa John! The days we spent with him were great as it had been over a year since we had seen him.
God has been so faithful to us through all of this year’s highs and lows. We continue to grow and learn...for more about that, visit the blog as Sarah still updates it.

Christmas gifts of thoughtfulness

Anderson got me Zumba DVD's for Christmas. (For those of you who aren't familiar with it, it's a dance/exercise that utilizes Latino rhythms and moves - FUN!!) I am amazed how much I sweat in just 18 minutes, and that's just the part to learn the steps! Anderson was pretty cute because he told me that I was doing a pretty good job for being new at it. 8) It certainly will be good for my coordination and hip muscles, although I'm sure it isn't too pretty! I'm not sure I want Lyndsey learning these moves as I'm not sure she'll know when it's appropriate to shake her hips!
Speaking of Lyndsey, Bob told me that when he asked her what Christmas gift she wanted to get me, she knew right away. She had seen my friend Maresy with some glove mittens (fingerless gloves with the mitten flap that goes over). She said that Mumma needed a purple pair of those. How thoughtful! (I also think it's cute that she looked to Maresy for style as Maresy definitely has fresh style.)
Ethan was VERY excited about the boots we got him for Christmas. Isn't it great when a child is SO excited about something that they also need! Those boots were right up there with the little cars that Anderson and Lyndsey got him. 8)
I think Bob's most thoughtful gift for me was...I don't know! He's very good at getting thoughtful gifts, and this year he was also really good about not letting the calendar get ahead of him. That certainly makes a girl feel treasured (although I know that I have to be careful about projecting my "things that I do or don't do to show love" onto Bob...we're all different). The best gift was that he put a lot of thought into it; that's what means the MOST to me.

Christmas Thoughts

As I sat down to write this year’s Christmas letter, I felt very torn about what to say. It has been a great year for us, but this year more than any other, I am aware of so many loved ones with heartaches who are struggling to see Christmas as “merry”. In thinking about this, I have found myself thinking more about the various aspects of Christmas. Joy is certainly one of them, but so is peace. Last Sunday's sermon was on peace (http://www.graceplace.com/resources), and it was very timely for me. I have been struggling with a lot of stressors over the last few months, and lately, it has been getting the better of me. Last Sunday, I was noticing how much turmoil I was feeling and wondering what exactly my problem was. Then my eyes were opened. Can I share with you my thought process?
Before, I would have described true peace as a sense of well-being not necessarily related to life’s circumstances. Many people say that it comes from within oneself. I have learned that for the Piro tribal people of Peru, the word translated “peace” means a “the well-arranged soul” which stuck in my memory as "a well-ordered soul”. That really struck me as I realized that I had lost the order in my soul! What does that mean? Who determines “order“? Well, Isaiah 9:6-7 says that Jesus is the Prince of Peace and foretells His coming to save the world. We all know that when Jesus lived 2000 years ago, He didn’t bring world peace as many had believed and hoped. Even now, the world and our lives are far from peaceful. So how could He be the Prince of Peace? Jesus restored order when He provided for us the ability to have a relationship with God by removing the sin that separates us from God. But for me, Jesus also restores order to my soul by giving me purpose and value in spite of my flaws, errors, stupidity, and by providing direction for my priorities. I think that I had lost a sense of peace because I had become too caught up in my life’s stresses, as well as the excitement of planning for Christmas. It’s time to regroup (and I'm still working on this). So since I need this reminder about peace, I thought that I would wish you the same, peace that reflects a well-ordered soul.
Merry and Peace-filled Christmas!

The Little Things

Amazingly, I have had a bit of time for pondering (2 visits to the gym, drive to Boston) although very little time for writing. I want to just take a minute to share how God has shown Himself in the little things. He's so amazing like that, and these can be such a big blessing if I take time to "be still".
Although my health is good, a lot has been going on emotionally and relationally this fall. I'm so thankful that I can exercise to help me process it and keep myself more balanced physically. A year ago, I couldn't do that at all. God also has been giving me little threads to hold onto in the midst of all of this...a Thanksgiving card from a friend, an e-mail from a different friend, meaningful affirmations/watchful concerns of others - all testifying to the friendships and love that God has blessed me with. All of these have been giving me bits of encouragement that He is in the details of friendships and using friends to encourage one another in His timing. Basically, these threads have helped keep me floating in this sea of controversy, heartache, and self-doubts.
On a completely different level, we have a potluck tonight. The back story is that I stock up on hamburger with my family. I didn't realize that I had used the last package until this morning when I went to get it out for tonight's meal. There wasn't one! I was like, "Oh no! Now what am I going to do?" I searched around...nothing. I started to brainstorm how I could improvise or what I could make instead because a trip to the grocery store was just not reasonable. Then, God helped me remember that we had cooked up 1 package with onions a few weeks ago and put it in the upstairs freezer. So, not only do I have hamburg, but it's already prepared for the casserole! Pretty cool.
I guess that I want to encourage you to be still for a few moments and look for God in the little things. I know that I've wanted "big" God sightings (particularly when the struggles of my day seem big and I want Him to fix it), but when my heart is right, even the little ones are big. I just have to open my eyes and slow down for a minute.

Another set of scans

I went to Boston on Monday for my routine scans and to see Dr. Choy and Dr. Raskin. I went all by myself! (I think this was a first as last time we went to Boston, we took the kids for a fun day trip.) It felt good to have "graduated" to this. 8)
The scans were clean, so now I will only be getting lung x-rays instead of CT scans. This is a step in the right direction. Since I'll still be having pelvic CT scans every 3 months, I'll still have to deal with the large drink and the IV, but I'm getting there. The person who reads the CT scans did notice a weird place on my left breast. This isn't something that they're very concerned about as my body is still changing from postpartum (and I have young boobs!...relatively speaking). "Nevertheless" (that's a quote from the report), I need to go have a mammogram done as a precaution. So, I'll hopefully have that scheduled in Dover or Rochester before Christmas.
I have to admit that when Dr. Choy said (over the phone) that when they read the CT scans, they sometimes see things other than what they're looking for, I held my breath. However, Dr. Choy rarely puts me at ease about these kinds of things (he's very cautious in his approach to my treatment...always allowing for the "just in case"), but he really isn't concerned about this. I really didn't feel very worried about it. I was thinking of it as another test. However, Bob's reaction has made me a bit more on edge about it. I found myself thinking about the Sun. before I received my diagnosis about my hip, when I told Bob that I didn't have cancer and he needed to be quiet about that. (I was pretty upset that he was even suggesting it.) And he was right. So, that rocks the boat a little bit. BUT, God is still in control, and I know that He wants me to trust Him with this too/again. I'm going to just keep asking Him to help me with the trust thing. It isn't easy.
The best part of going to Boston was seeing old friends... "my girls" from Phillips 21 (nurses who cared for me during chemo), nurses who cared for Ethan during his stay, and my doctors. I really do like them. I also enjoyed the quiet ride in the car. I did a lot of thinking and praying. It was definitely good for me.

Ponderings

It's been a really hard week emotionally. I won't go into the details, but I'll tell you the areas of my life that it "hit"...friendships, parenting, identity, and I got my period! Of course, everything happens at once. It has led to these thoughts.

When I was sick, I was looking at Philippians 4:8 and couldn't wrap my head around how I could view the cancer and chemo as true, lovely, pure,... I talked with Bob about this as I was totally stumped. What he said really hit home. He said, "Maybe this verse is talking about meditating on (keeping my thoughts on) God. He is true, pure, lovely, praiseworthy." Boy, isn't that the truth! As I've tried to trudge through this really emotionally challenging week (it's been a real humdinger!), I'm challenged to keep my thoughts on God and not all these other things that are rocking my world. An e-mail from my sister-in-law also helped as she reminded me of the Israelites and God's tough love information for them in Deuteronomy. I wondered where she was going with this...until I continued reading what she wrote! She shared that the verses made her think about how God wants us to see Him in all things and not be so wrapped up in the details of the situation and what the reasons for them might be. I don't think that we're not supposed to think about what God is doing and what He is trying to teach us, but I think it's more about what my primary focus is. Isn't it just like me to be self-focused in thinking about the "why's"? It's not all about me.

Now you might be thinking, "Oh, Sarah, you're being too hard on yourself" or "We do need to learn from what is going on". What I'm trying to share is what I've been thinking about my primary focus, not the only focus. (As a woman, I can do that, right?! Ha! HA!) Actually, as I'm typing this, another thing I read recently is coming to mind. It was an article challenging me not to lose the celebration of Jesus this Christmas season. This is a common "message", but it caught my attention in that it was focused on many of the things that I value - Christmas decorations and atmosphere, making the Holiday special for the kids, preparations for gift giving. The article challenged me to consider if celebrating Jesus is truly at the center of all of this. (If you want to read the article, you can go to http://sharonjaynes.com/blog/ and look for the entry "1 Corinthians 13 Christmas Style".)

Hmmm....I think I see a theme here. 8)

Lyndsey's Persistence

Lyndsey is cracking me up. Yesterday, we were "doing school" and worked on a sheet where she had to identify the different members of our family (cartoon drawings) and label them with the names. (This was good practice writing her "d"!) There were a mother, father, 2 girls, 2 boys, and 2 extra spaces for other family members. She identified each person, commenting that she was the girl with the long hair. She then insisted on labeling the other girl as her sister. I kept telling her she doesn't have a sister, but she really wanted too. So she made up a name (dseLLy) and wrote it in. I chalked it up to her really wanting to do more of the worksheet (not be finished yet).
Well, this morning, we were talking about Sammy going on a plane and Lyndsey wanting to go with her 'cause she wants to be with her all the time. She then went on about wanting to be with: you, Daddy, Anderson, Ethan, and my sister - all the time. I asked her what sister she's talking about, and she matter-of-factly answered, "the baby that's going to be in your belly". ("Oh really!", I thought.) I told her that first of all, we don't know if God is going to put a baby in my belly. She confidently responded, "Yes He will". I followed up with, "And if He does, we don't know if it will be a girl." That didn't stop her either. She's something else. I had all I could do to not crack up in front of her. 8)

Mothering Mistakes

Of course, there are many of these...the reason for mistakes. However, this one really took me off-guard. For an annual fundraiser, the school kids do a piece of artwork which can then be purchased as a magnet, coffee cup, etc. Well, Anderson's artwork was very good, but he tends to care NOTHING for things of this nature. I have hung a number of his masterpieces on the walls, as any good Mom does, but he doesn't seem to value artistic expression much. 8) So, I wasn't planning to buy his magnet (which the school sends home for parents to "view"). We talked about what a good job he did, discussing the details of his drawing. I told him I was sending it back, but he expressed that I should buy it. My initial thought was that the kids had been drilled about parents buying these, not that it was important to him. (This sounds pretty dumb as I type it, but it made sense at the time!) So I explained about being good stewards of our money and that $5 is a lot for a magnet if it didn't really matter to him that it was his art. Well, come to find out, it did matter. So, I happily wrote the check and put the magnet on the refrigerator.
The next morning, Anderson nearly forgot the folder with the check (as well as a few other things waiting for him on the counter). When I pointed it out, he grabbed it and then started crying when he saw what it was. He said that he didn't want me to buy the magnet; it was too much money. I told him that I wanted to, that it was important to him. He very introspectively said that he felt guilty that I was buying it because it was a lot of money. Oh, that broke my heart! The poor guy! I assured him that I was HAPPY to buy it because he made the art, and it was very good. Thankfully, he heard my heart and believing me, headed off to school with no more tears. Boy, that could have been a big mess. I'm so glad that he expressed himself to me...he generally is pretty good at doing that. Thank You, Lord!

Here is a great article https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1ohzhBseRdaB-M6mxjeWFCTlGmslioWwboWPMbjCto6c