The Levasseur Family Blog

Levasseur Projects

2011-04-20T21:58:00.002-04:00

Fun with Daddy!

Fun with Mumma!
Our big Nor'Easter on April 1, school was canceled. I went outside with the kids (including our nextdoor neighbor), and we built a COOL snow fort! Some of the balls we used for the walls required a team effort to finish rolling them and maneuvering them into place. We had fun (and it melted in 2 days!).

Anniversary

2011-04-20T21:28:00.002-04:00

OK. Time to catch up a bit...what else is new?! We celebrated our 11th anniversary on March 18th. We were able to go away for the weekend to A Weekend to Remember, a Family Life marriage conference. It was fantastic!! What a weekend! God knew just what we needed, of course.

I have been looking forward to this conference for 2 years. We went once when we were newlyweds, and I was sensing it was time to go again as it's a great way to retreat and spend deliberate, fun time on the marriage. Well, I lined it all up and then had to cancel because Bob had a work implementation that weekend that wasn't going to change. I canceled the "babysitter" and hotel room and found friends to take our reserved spot at the conference. 9 days before the conference, Bob found out that his implementation had been postponed. (This is the first time this has ever happened for him!) So, I began to see if God was going to open doors for us to be able to go; He was going to have to work it all out as the chances of there still being a hotel room available and somebody to watch the kids all weekend were slim. But, it all came together (and the couple who graciously "gave back" our tickets ended up able to attend for free!).

We really needed this getaway to focus on us. A year ago, Mom gave me a pretty little tin with a note in it that said our anniversary gift was that she was going to pray for us in our marriage every day of the year. How wise that was! The aftermath of our year of cancer and chemo had reared its ugly face over the year. I have to say that I didn't see this coming as I had thought that the year of fatigue, sickness, healing from surgeries, and adjusting to lots of new changes was when we would really "feel it". However, God so graciously gave us strength and maintained our marriage during incredible stress, and grief. This last year was sort of like once we started to try to adapt back to life and rediscover "normal", our relationship was more susceptible to tension and lacking closeness. I've thought some of the causes of this kind of struggle might have been 1. expectations of one another (whereas during our hard year, we had to be very flexible with one another), 2. adjusting to changes that were more permanent rather than temporary (temporary being things like my not having any hair, my parents living with us, etc.), 3. needing to re-establish good habits in place of habits that had allowed us to cope with our situation. Regardless, it's been a year of growing pains and victories, and I was so thankful to have the weekend to reflect on our relationship's strengths and weaknesses as well as enjoy each others company. What a treasure!
NOTE: We highly recommend the Weekend to Remember for ANY married couple...the format is conducive to laughing, learning, thinking about and sharing answers to interesting questions with one another, and spending one-on-one time together.

Updates

2011-03-22T21:25:00.003-04:00

Ethan's Birthday...My "little man" is 2! Agh!! He's in the 50th percentile for height and weight, and he enjoys puzzles, reading a story, and stacking blocks (and then crashing them). He's talking up a storm, although I struggle to understand many of his words. He's trying though! We're enjoying watching him try to keep up with Anderson and Lyndsey, most of the time. Here are some photos...2 birthday photos, 1 photo of a good "big boy" moment and another of one that took my breath away.

Anniversary update - 11 years! Bob and I had a great anniversary. Mom and Dad watched the kids, and we were able to go away to a marriage retreat. The weekend was wonderful, and we're so thankful for the opportunity to focus exclusively on our marriage for a few days. And it was wonderful to go back to the kids too!

Health update - Another clean bill of health. Praise God!

Two Years Ago

2011-03-11T12:02:00.004-05:00

Wow! 2 years ago yesterday, I was a mother of a preemie newborn - teeny and precious - heading into a major surgery to remove cancer from my hip. What a lot has changed! I am now on the other side of chemotherapy (which was VERY daunting for me), I have lost my hair (another huge obstacle) and it's growing back...curly!, I have learned how to walk again and can do most of the things I could do before with my balance and strength continually improving, and the major struggle in life is to keep it from being too busy where I lose sight of my priorities. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? I am so thankful for where we are at and what is behind us, and I'm also actually thankful for what God brought us through, as crazy hard as it was. Not that I'd want to do it again! God is good, and I'm so thankful for the restoration He has done in our lives. I think it would be easy to think that it's all behind me and "return to normal" in a complacent way. I had been concerned about losing sight of the things that God was teaching me once through the valley, but God still helps me be mindful of trusting Him, spending time with Him, and remembering what is most important to me (because, of course, this is a continual process). This is the latest...

A few weeks ago, I was communicating with my oncologist. He had said that my risk of reoccurrence is still "moderately high" even though I'm 2 years out. I hadn't been thinking of my risk at this level, so it was a bit of a jolt. One week later, Ethan ended up at the doctor's office and required at-home nebulizer treatments. Lyndsey ended up in the ER with an ear infection. (While in the ER, I was processing a lot of memories of the stress and fear when Bob and I were there with my pulmonary embuli.) That week of caring for sick kiddoes, including the constant adjustments to schedule/plans, was taxing. I found myself exhausted, needing multiple naps a day and always feeling worn out. Because I was so very tired, I started to get scared. I wondered if cancer was growing in me, since fatigue had been a struggle back in 2008. I was caught off-guard by this resurgence of fear. It tried to plow me over like an ocean wave after a storm. It was a battle that I felt I needed to keep to myself, at least for the time being, not wanting to upset my loved ones. This battle with fear brought me to my knees and I knew that I needed to deliberately remember all that God had done and what He had taught me about Himself - His faithfulness, His provision, His love, that He is in control. I prayed a lot and tried to keep my thoughts focused on what I knew was true, which are things about God and NOT things about what might be. This wasn't easy.

Where am I at now? Well, I have more peace because my focus has shifted. (By the way, I go for a routine CT scan tomorrow. I'm not sure if I'll feel nervous tomorrow or not.) I know that God is helping me trust Him. I can see that this "scare" served to help me remember valuable lessons from 2009. It has diverted me from distractions to be mindful of the ways I want to utilize time - God, my family, and not so much computer/TV time (even if it is after the kids have gone to bed). I don't know where the path will lead, but I know I want to enjoy each day, one day at a time. There are a lot of great gifts in today, especially living with my kiddoes (and Bob). What a blessing.

Then and Now

2011-03-11T11:55:00.004-05:00

Valentine's Day last year was especially noteworthy in that Bob and I went on a date where I did NOT wear my wig, and we danced (first time since before I was pregnant). So, it was kind of neat to see how much has changed as of this Valentine's Day. 8) Again, we danced, and we also went cross-country skiing (4 miles!). This felt really good in that I hadn't gone skiing for 3 years, and Bob and I were able to return to an activity outside, which is something that we used to enjoy doing. Here are some pictures. Look at last Valentine's Day's post for what we looked like then.)

Seasoned Mom...what's that?

2011-02-19T22:06:00.002-05:00

I think it's so cool that as Moms, we need each other. God reminds me of that as He uses mother friends (including my Mom, grandmothers, and aunts!) to encourage and advise me. It's amazing how it can be so hard to see something that is right in front of my face; I'm just too close to the situation. This happened on Friday.
Ethan woke up with a fever. I lamented the beginning of the flu in our house, assuming it was that as many friends have been battling it. Fever is one of the common symptoms. The worst part of it all was that I had commitments and a fun date night with Bob planned for that day! As I worked through that and many other obstacles the day presented, I was thankful that God has been changing me. A while back, this would have thrown me into a tale spin as I tried to change the situation or at least make the desired outcome happen. I was reminded that I needed to just surrender to whatever the day held, and I tried to proceed with meeting Ethan's needs and rearranging plans. As I was discussing Ethan's symptoms with Christine (fever but great appetite and normal behaviors and nap), she asked, "Do you think that he might be cutting teeth?" As I started to think through this, my first thought was that I didn't think so. It was kind of funny though because I was commenting on how the kids tend to get a bad rash when they cut teeth...and it dawned on me that last weekend he had a horrible rash! (I hadn't put that together with the fever as it was 5 days ago.) Hmmmm...Hours later, I was sharing this with another friend, and she mentioned that her kids chew on their fingers. Another memory came to mind; Ethan was chewing on his fingers the night before, after hanging out with some kids that 1 of whom sucks her fingers. Since it looked like what she does, I thought that he was just copying her. Maybe not. Since the fever hasn't returned and he's been perfectly fine since, the data seems to point to teeth (2 year molars?). I don't think I would have even though of it in spite of going through the teething of 3 kids, but thanks to a fellow Mom, the mystery was solved and Bob and had our date! 8)

The Latest Decision

2011-01-18T22:56:00.003-05:00

In Luke 5, Jesus commanded "Follow me" and we noticed in Bible study how obedient the response was...simple directions (without a lot of information) and an unquestioning response of action without asking for details. It really struck me that God asks that of me at times too (and I don't like it!). And I sensed that this was also His response to a decision that I was pondering. On Monday, I had told a friend about how I've been convicted to be less busy, to try to give God my time and not fill it too much, even with things that are "good". That night, I received an e-mail from my previous employer offering me a decent amount of money to do some contract work at home. There was a fairly short deadline, but I could take on part or all. The earlier conversation with my friend (and how it promoted accountability to what has been on my mind), and I started to pray about it. I was leaning toward "no" when Bob responded to the forwarded e-mail in a "go for it" kind of way (not as I expected). I started to second-guess my thoughts toward "no" and continued to pray. I began to wonder if I was chickening out of using that part of my brain/taking on that kind of challenge, or just trying to keep my life simple. (Yea, I know. Who said "simple" is a bad thing?) Thoughts came to me that maybe God was providing this opportunity for me to keep me from losing all connection with my academic/professional side. Then I remembered my Dad and my earlier conversation about how adding anything to a schedule (we were talking about painting the house) means you have to take something out. As I discussed this with Bob, I started to realize that if I wasn't careful, I would be replacing things like sleep, exercise, and time with God to do this work. I wondered if that contract work has any lasting value as far as what's important to God. It could provide income for some friends who have tight finances (childcare, using some of the money toward hiring a friend out of work to paint, friends in Saudi Arabia). I prayed that God would give me clarity...and then Jesus's words, "follow me". At that point, it seemed clear. I just knew what I needed to do. It still was hard to send off that e-mail declining the offer though!

Oh, and 1 more detail!! I can't believe I forgot! The day after I declined, I received a beautifully written paper to hang up containing Jeremiah 29:11-13. I don't know who it was from, but the timing was incredible!! This is one of my favorite passages, but besides that, it's about how God knows the plans He has for me (and you!), plans to prosper and not to harm, to give a future and a hope. Isn't that cool?! It definitely was affirmation of the decision I made. 8)

Interesting...

2011-01-09T21:45:00.002-05:00

Ethan loves to look at photos and name people, particularly Daddy, Anderson, and Mollie. He was going through everybody in our Disney picture that's on the refrigerator, and when I put him in his highchair for lunch, he began naming people in our family photo hanging on the wall. The family photo is from when he was 3 weeks old. He could name everybody (I informed him of "Baby Ethan"), but when I would point to me, he wouldn't answer. I'd go back around and he'd name the others but have nothing to say when I pointed to me. He didn't know who I was! This was very interesting to me since he has seen me with all variations of hair - wig, no hair, hats, curly hair. When he was quite little, I'd walk into the room, and he'd never even look at what I did or did not have on my head (which surprised me then as most little ones look at you funny when something changes like hats or glasses). So, at this point, he doesn't recognize photos of me with long, lighter colored hair. Interesting...

Christmas Letter 2010

2011-01-09T21:09:00.003-05:00

I realized that some people might like to read our Christmas letter as it is a synopsis of 2010. Here it is.

Merry Christmas! We hope this letter finds you enjoying the holiday season. Would you like to hear about the Levasseur craziness in 2010? Never boring with us - we always have a few stories to tell. From losing weight and a bet to running through airports with ALL our luggage, 3 kids, and a cane; from Ethan’s trip to the emergency room as well as x-rays for everybody except Bob to the fun of camping with family (in spite of Anderson throwing up in the tent BOTH times!) and a 6-mile Levasseur family bike ride to Lone Oak for ice-cream, we’ve been busy!
While Sarah was trying to gain weight after chemo, Bob was trying to lose weight after all those yummy meals provided in 2009. While watching “The Biggest Loser”, I (Bob) proclaimed, “I bet I could lose 10lbs in a week.” Sarah promptly replied, “That’s impossible...If you lost 10 lbs in a week, I would buy you a Wii.” I lost 12. I started biking to work (~20mi) as well as running on the off days. I ran my first race since high school, a 10.7-mile leg of a relay race around Lake Winnipesaukee (those hills hurt!). Sarah has bounced back to a healthy weight and is able to work out again. Her strength and stamina have improved greatly, even allowing her to wrestle with Anderson. She also has to tame her “curly ‘fro” every morning! Can you believe we are approaching 2 years of being cancer-free?! Praise God!
As for Anderson, Lyndsey, and Ethan, they have all grown so much. Anderson is “all” schoolboy. He has lost most of his baby teeth with the adult teeth nearly filling all the gaps. He loves any sport and enjoyed playing baseball on a team last spring. (Bob coached.) Lyndsey continues to be tall for her age. She still loves to sing (loudly), dance, and play the piano - sometimes all at the same time! She loves to “help”, serenading the sad/lonely (even Sadie, Grammie’s dog). Ethan is walking and running. He loves to explore on his own. One night while putting the kids to bed, I (Bob) noticed Ethan was no longer in the room. In less than 5 minutes Ethan was off, down the stairs, out the sliding glass door, and half-way to the neighbor's house. If it is weren’t for the fact that he was barefoot on a rock path, he might have escaped totally. His favorite past-time lately is wrestling, hugging, or anything to be close.
Last spring, we took a much-needed family vacation to Florida for 3 weeks. The kids were so excited to go on a plane for the first time. Bob answered Anderson’s questions about knowing if the plane were going to crash by telling him that if he saw Jesus walking down the aisle, he would know. “And if you see Jesus, you won’t care about crashing.” Bob didn’t think about the all the potential Jesus look-a-likes out there. Lyndsey was less nervous; she was just excited to go “as fast as Daddy’s car” during take-off. While in Florida, we enjoyed Disney and Sea World with Sarah’s parents and grandmother as well as Courtney, Erik, and Mollie (their 1yr old daughter). We also celebrated Lyndsey’s 4th birthday with Papa John! The days we spent with him were great as it had been over a year since we had seen him.
God has been so faithful to us through all of this year’s highs and lows. We continue to grow and learn...for more about that, visit the blog as Sarah still updates it.

Christmas gifts of thoughtfulness

2010-12-28T22:31:00.003-05:00

Anderson got me Zumba DVD's for Christmas. (For those of you who aren't familiar with it, it's a dance/exercise that utilizes Latino rhythms and moves - FUN!!) I am amazed how much I sweat in just 18 minutes, and that's just the part to learn the steps! Anderson was pretty cute because he told me that I was doing a pretty good job for being new at it. 8) It certainly will be good for my coordination and hip muscles, although I'm sure it isn't too pretty! I'm not sure I want Lyndsey learning these moves as I'm not sure she'll know when it's appropriate to shake her hips!
Speaking of Lyndsey, Bob told me that when he asked her what Christmas gift she wanted to get me, she knew right away. She had seen my friend Maresy with some glove mittens (fingerless gloves with the mitten flap that goes over). She said that Mumma needed a purple pair of those. How thoughtful! (I also think it's cute that she looked to Maresy for style as Maresy definitely has fresh style.)
Ethan was VERY excited about the boots we got him for Christmas. Isn't it great when a child is SO excited about something that they also need! Those boots were right up there with the little cars that Anderson and Lyndsey got him. 8)
I think Bob's most thoughtful gift for me was...I don't know! He's very good at getting thoughtful gifts, and this year he was also really good about not letting the calendar get ahead of him. That certainly makes a girl feel treasured (although I know that I have to be careful about projecting my "things that I do or don't do to show love" onto Bob...we're all different). The best gift was that he put a lot of thought into it; that's what means the MOST to me.

Christmas Thoughts

2010-12-24T23:47:00.005-05:00

As I sat down to write this year’s Christmas letter, I felt very torn about what to say. It has been a great year for us, but this year more than any other, I am aware of so many loved ones with heartaches who are struggling to see Christmas as “merry”. In thinking about this, I have found myself thinking more about the various aspects of Christmas. Joy is certainly one of them, but so is peace. Last Sunday's sermon was on peace (http://www.graceplace.com/resources), and it was very timely for me. I have been struggling with a lot of stressors over the last few months, and lately, it has been getting the better of me. Last Sunday, I was noticing how much turmoil I was feeling and wondering what exactly my problem was. Then my eyes were opened. Can I share with you my thought process?
Before, I would have described true peace as a sense of well-being not necessarily related to life’s circumstances. Many people say that it comes from within oneself. I have learned that for the Piro tribal people of Peru, the word translated “peace” means a “the well-arranged soul” which stuck in my memory as "a well-ordered soul”. That really struck me as I realized that I had lost the order in my soul! What does that mean? Who determines “order“? Well, Isaiah 9:6-7 says that Jesus is the Prince of Peace and foretells His coming to save the world. We all know that when Jesus lived 2000 years ago, He didn’t bring world peace as many had believed and hoped. Even now, the world and our lives are far from peaceful. So how could He be the Prince of Peace? Jesus restored order when He provided for us the ability to have a relationship with God by removing the sin that separates us from God. But for me, Jesus also restores order to my soul by giving me purpose and value in spite of my flaws, errors, stupidity, and by providing direction for my priorities. I think that I had lost a sense of peace because I had become too caught up in my life’s stresses, as well as the excitement of planning for Christmas. It’s time to regroup (and I'm still working on this). So since I need this reminder about peace, I thought that I would wish you the same, peace that reflects a well-ordered soul.
Merry and Peace-filled Christmas!

The Little Things

2010-12-16T10:31:00.005-05:00

Amazingly, I have had a bit of time for pondering (2 visits to the gym, drive to Boston) although very little time for writing. I want to just take a minute to share how God has shown Himself in the little things. He's so amazing like that, and these can be such a big blessing if I take time to "be still".
Although my health is good, a lot has been going on emotionally and relationally this fall. I'm so thankful that I can exercise to help me process it and keep myself more balanced physically. A year ago, I couldn't do that at all. God also has been giving me little threads to hold onto in the midst of all of this...a Thanksgiving card from a friend, an e-mail from a different friend, meaningful affirmations/watchful concerns of others - all testifying to the friendships and love that God has blessed me with. All of these have been giving me bits of encouragement that He is in the details of friendships and using friends to encourage one another in His timing. Basically, these threads have helped keep me floating in this sea of controversy, heartache, and self-doubts.
On a completely different level, we have a potluck tonight. The back story is that I stock up on hamburger with my family. I didn't realize that I had used the last package until this morning when I went to get it out for tonight's meal. There wasn't one! I was like, "Oh no! Now what am I going to do?" I searched around...nothing. I started to brainstorm how I could improvise or what I could make instead because a trip to the grocery store was just not reasonable. Then, God helped me remember that we had cooked up 1 package with onions a few weeks ago and put it in the upstairs freezer. So, not only do I have hamburg, but it's already prepared for the casserole! Pretty cool.
I guess that I want to encourage you to be still for a few moments and look for God in the little things. I know that I've wanted "big" God sightings (particularly when the struggles of my day seem big and I want Him to fix it), but when my heart is right, even the little ones are big. I just have to open my eyes and slow down for a minute.

Another set of scans

2010-12-08T22:47:00.002-05:00

I went to Boston on Monday for my routine scans and to see Dr. Choy and Dr. Raskin. I went all by myself! (I think this was a first as last time we went to Boston, we took the kids for a fun day trip.) It felt good to have "graduated" to this. 8)
The scans were clean, so now I will only be getting lung x-rays instead of CT scans. This is a step in the right direction. Since I'll still be having pelvic CT scans every 3 months, I'll still have to deal with the large drink and the IV, but I'm getting there. The person who reads the CT scans did notice a weird place on my left breast. This isn't something that they're very concerned about as my body is still changing from postpartum (and I have young boobs!...relatively speaking). "Nevertheless" (that's a quote from the report), I need to go have a mammogram done as a precaution. So, I'll hopefully have that scheduled in Dover or Rochester before Christmas.
I have to admit that when Dr. Choy said (over the phone) that when they read the CT scans, they sometimes see things other than what they're looking for, I held my breath. However, Dr. Choy rarely puts me at ease about these kinds of things (he's very cautious in his approach to my treatment...always allowing for the "just in case"), but he really isn't concerned about this. I really didn't feel very worried about it. I was thinking of it as another test. However, Bob's reaction has made me a bit more on edge about it. I found myself thinking about the Sun. before I received my diagnosis about my hip, when I told Bob that I didn't have cancer and he needed to be quiet about that. (I was pretty upset that he was even suggesting it.) And he was right. So, that rocks the boat a little bit. BUT, God is still in control, and I know that He wants me to trust Him with this too/again. I'm going to just keep asking Him to help me with the trust thing. It isn't easy.
The best part of going to Boston was seeing old friends... "my girls" from Phillips 21 (nurses who cared for me during chemo), nurses who cared for Ethan during his stay, and my doctors. I really do like them. I also enjoyed the quiet ride in the car. I did a lot of thinking and praying. It was definitely good for me.

Ponderings

2010-12-04T08:35:00.003-05:00

It's been a really hard week emotionally. I won't go into the details, but I'll tell you the areas of my life that it "hit"...friendships, parenting, identity, and I got my period! Of course, everything happens at once. It has led to these thoughts.

When I was sick, I was looking at Philippians 4:8 and couldn't wrap my head around how I could view the cancer and chemo as true, lovely, pure,... I talked with Bob about this as I was totally stumped. What he said really hit home. He said, "Maybe this verse is talking about meditating on (keeping my thoughts on) God. He is true, pure, lovely, praiseworthy." Boy, isn't that the truth! As I've tried to trudge through this really emotionally challenging week (it's been a real humdinger!), I'm challenged to keep my thoughts on God and not all these other things that are rocking my world. An e-mail from my sister-in-law also helped as she reminded me of the Israelites and God's tough love information for them in Deuteronomy. I wondered where she was going with this...until I continued reading what she wrote! She shared that the verses made her think about how God wants us to see Him in all things and not be so wrapped up in the details of the situation and what the reasons for them might be. I don't think that we're not supposed to think about what God is doing and what He is trying to teach us, but I think it's more about what my primary focus is. Isn't it just like me to be self-focused in thinking about the "why's"? It's not all about me.

Now you might be thinking, "Oh, Sarah, you're being too hard on yourself" or "We do need to learn from what is going on". What I'm trying to share is what I've been thinking about my primary focus, not the only focus. (As a woman, I can do that, right?! Ha! HA!) Actually, as I'm typing this, another thing I read recently is coming to mind. It was an article challenging me not to lose the celebration of Jesus this Christmas season. This is a common "message", but it caught my attention in that it was focused on many of the things that I value - Christmas decorations and atmosphere, making the Holiday special for the kids, preparations for gift giving. The article challenged me to consider if celebrating Jesus is truly at the center of all of this. (If you want to read the article, you can go to http://sharonjaynes.com/blog/ and look for the entry "1 Corinthians 13 Christmas Style".)

Hmmm....I think I see a theme here. 8)

Lyndsey's Persistence

2010-11-05T09:17:00.002-04:00

Lyndsey is cracking me up. Yesterday, we were "doing school" and worked on a sheet where she had to identify the different members of our family (cartoon drawings) and label them with the names. (This was good practice writing her "d"!) There were a mother, father, 2 girls, 2 boys, and 2 extra spaces for other family members. She identified each person, commenting that she was the girl with the long hair. She then insisted on labeling the other girl as her sister. I kept telling her she doesn't have a sister, but she really wanted too. So she made up a name (dseLLy) and wrote it in. I chalked it up to her really wanting to do more of the worksheet (not be finished yet).
Well, this morning, we were talking about Sammy going on a plane and Lyndsey wanting to go with her 'cause she wants to be with her all the time. She then went on about wanting to be with: you, Daddy, Anderson, Ethan, and my sister - all the time. I asked her what sister she's talking about, and she matter-of-factly answered, "the baby that's going to be in your belly". ("Oh really!", I thought.) I told her that first of all, we don't know if God is going to put a baby in my belly. She confidently responded, "Yes He will". I followed up with, "And if He does, we don't know if it will be a girl." That didn't stop her either. She's something else. I had all I could do to not crack up in front of her. 8)

Mothering Mistakes

2010-11-03T22:56:00.003-04:00

Of course, there are many of these...the reason for mistakes. However, this one really took me off-guard. For an annual fundraiser, the school kids do a piece of artwork which can then be purchased as a magnet, coffee cup, etc. Well, Anderson's artwork was very good, but he tends to care NOTHING for things of this nature. I have hung a number of his masterpieces on the walls, as any good Mom does, but he doesn't seem to value artistic expression much. 8) So, I wasn't planning to buy his magnet (which the school sends home for parents to "view"). We talked about what a good job he did, discussing the details of his drawing. I told him I was sending it back, but he expressed that I should buy it. My initial thought was that the kids had been drilled about parents buying these, not that it was important to him. (This sounds pretty dumb as I type it, but it made sense at the time!) So I explained about being good stewards of our money and that $5 is a lot for a magnet if it didn't really matter to him that it was his art. Well, come to find out, it did matter. So, I happily wrote the check and put the magnet on the refrigerator.
The next morning, Anderson nearly forgot the folder with the check (as well as a few other things waiting for him on the counter). When I pointed it out, he grabbed it and then started crying when he saw what it was. He said that he didn't want me to buy the magnet; it was too much money. I told him that I wanted to, that it was important to him. He very introspectively said that he felt guilty that I was buying it because it was a lot of money. Oh, that broke my heart! The poor guy! I assured him that I was HAPPY to buy it because he made the art, and it was very good. Thankfully, he heard my heart and believing me, headed off to school with no more tears. Boy, that could have been a big mess. I'm so glad that he expressed himself to me...he generally is pretty good at doing that. Thank You, Lord!

Here is a great article https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1ohzhBseRdaB-M6mxjeWFCTlGmslioWwboWPMbjCto6c

Daily chuckles

2010-10-27T12:46:00.004-04:00

There are so many things that make me chuckle. This is the latest.

OK. So the video is too large to upload. I'll have to describe to you what I saw. Lyndsey had set up the tripod, pretending it had a camera on it. She had Ethan climb into the chair, sitting facing her. She kept running up to him to tickle him or make noises at him and then ran back to the "camera" to snap the picture (just like the professional photography places). She kept telling him to say "cheese", and he was cooperatively "cheese"ing away, which is really funny when he says it. He draws it out and really emphasizes the "eeee", showing all his little teeth. Wish you could have seen it; it sure made me laugh!

Another new accomplishment

2010-10-06T20:57:00.002-04:00

I hopped on Raskin from the sliding glass door out to the table on the deck, and back! I haven't hopped on that leg since the beginning of my pregnancy! It wasn't pretty, but I managed to hop on Anderson's sandal (partly on the foot) without losing my balance, enabling me to not get my stocking feet wet on the rain-covered deck. Woohoo! Mom witnessed it! 8)

CAT scan

2010-10-06T20:44:00.002-04:00

Another clean CAT scan...yay!
Bob and I had taken golf lessons together (over a month ago). For weeks after, I had this huge pain in the center of my back. At first, I thought that it was from swinging the golf club, but then it seemed to linger too long. I started to feel fearful that it was cancer in my lungs (a likely place for it to metastasize). It felt a lot like the pulmonary embuli did. I had to just keep praying that God would help me to not worry and remember that it's in His hands. I thought about calling the dr. but knew I had a CAT scan coming up; then it went away. Another day in the life of a cancer survivor, but it's different when you have a relationship with God. I can't imagine dealing with that fear without God.
Bob and I went fly fishing last Sat. It was a good day. We ended up having some really hard, but necessary, conversations. The year of cancer is still really affecting us, even though it has turned out as we had hoped. A year of stress, illness, coping, has longer lasting effects than I had realized. God is helping us through it though. The day was beautiful - a perfect sunny, fall day. The sound of the water was calming, and the fish did bite. (better for Bob than me!) I thank God for that day - for the extended time with Bob, for the friends who cared for our kids, for being out in nature, for health to walk in the water and stand for hours, for taste buds to taste the yummy food, for hair to poof out from under the ball cap I had to wear to keep the sun out of my eyes, for a hubby who was willing to patiently stand by while I had my casting lesson. Thank You, Lord.

Ethan's Antics

2010-09-26T22:15:00.002-04:00

Ethan is a little man on the move these days. Just the other day, Bob and I were talking and realized Ethan was up to something. I went around the corner of the island and found Ethan standing there with mouth stuffed full of grapes and stem hanging out, single grapes spilled around him on the floor, and a large bunch of grapes setting at his feet. I couldn't believe that he had successfully gotten a hold of the grapes that were in a colander on the island without disturbing the colander and without a stool! Sneaky little bugger! The greatest irony is that Lyndsey had just been "admonished" for giving Ethan little pieces of grapes (that she had meticulously cut with a steak knife) after having been directed not to while I went upstairs. I was trying to keep him safe from these huge round grapes, and he stole a ton of them from the shelf! UGH!

A great date

2010-09-22T22:47:00.002-04:00

Anderson and I went on a special "date", and it will be one of my most cherished memories. He has been very "boy"...wanting to be rough and pushy and not wanting affection from Mom, thriving on time with Daddy, busy with his own things. Well, we went to Plimouth Plantation for the day. We rode a big bus there, toured the Wampanoag village and colonist settlement, saw Plymouth Rock, went on the Mayflower II, and went to McDonald's for supper! We learned a lot. I realized that Anderson and I are a lot alike in that way; we really like to learn and experience new things. I was amazed that he wasn't bored, even when I spent time asking questions of a Native Indian woman who had her baby with her. Anderson really enjoyed watching the woodworker using an old-fashioned lathe; it was cool.
What I enjoyed most about the trip was the extensive one-on-one time. We were able to goof around (and yes, elbow and push), ask and answer questions (I was amazed at his social understanding of what was going on between the 2 people groups and his frustration with how people could be so blind to the values of others just because they were different/foreign), explore, hypothesize, work together on projects, and yes, even hold hands. OK. That was my favorite part. It was a great day. (Thank you, Melissa, for watching Lyndsey and Ethan!)

Labot Day weekend Happenings

2010-09-05T23:06:00.006-04:00

It's been a great weekend. Friday, Anderson had the day off. It was really nice to have him home. It was so cute; during rest time Anderson told me that he misses being at home with me so that he can have his quiet time. It has been a very tiring week for him, although I know that he'll get used to the full days of school. The intense heat hasn't helped either.
Friday night, Bob and I attempted our first object lesson with the kids. There's a verse in the Bible that says, "Do not be deceived; bad company corrupts good habits." We wanted Anderson to think about the company he keeps, particularly at school. It's very common to believe the lie that if I'm not doing what the others are doing, it doesn't matter if I hang around them while they're doing it ("just an observer"). However, that doesn't usually last that way for long. So, we decided to make brownies with cat poop in them. Bob told the kids that he had stopped at Uncle Erik's house to get cat poop for our special brownies. They watched us make them, putting the poop (melted Tootsie rolls) in the center. Lyndsey was funny because she commented on the brownies smelling good. I wonder if she was saying that because she didn't smell stinky poop. Anyway, after we cooled the brownies, we asked the kids if they wanted some. They said "Yes!". We questioned this, reminding them what was in them. Lyndsey didn't seem to care (no, we don't deprive her of brownies!), but Anderson began to waver. Bob acted like he was going to throw them away since they were ruined. Anderson rationalized that the cat poop probably melted and was all through the brownies, making them yucky. I told him that I didn't think so; maybe we should try to cut around it. He wasn't so sure of that. We ended up telling them that it wasn't real poop, just candy. We explained that a little bit hanging around people making bad choices, even though it seems small compared to the good choices "I" am making, can still have a big effect, just like a little bit of yuck can ruin the whole pan of brownies. God's Word warns us about this. So, I think that we got the point across. It certainly didn't go as smoothly as we had thought it would! Isn't that typical with kids.
Saturday, we were visited by a professional photographer who was trying to get photos for a magazine article. I'll post the link to it when it happens. It was kind of fun having our pictures taken as they were mostly candid. I'm hoping that we'll get to see many of them and maybe even be given a few. We'll see. Bob says the magazine will likely choose the hick picture as a bunch were taken around our old, blue tractor. (Of course, that's where the kids played the longest!) And that would certainly go with us living in NH. 8) After that was over, we had just enough time to get all the kids ready for their sleepovers/visits with friends while Bob and I went to a wedding in Plymouth. It was really nice to get away with Bob for a few hours and celebrate this special day with Josh and Maresy. We also got to see some old friends...it's really funny how different circles of people overlap. We even got to dance! This was very exciting for me as I still struggle with balance and having my body do what my brain thinks it can, but I was able to dance. It was fun spending this time with Bob as it's been a very long time, and I really enjoy dancing.
Sunday, we took a family bike ride to Lone Oak, which is 3 miles away. Anderson did such a good job keeping up! Ethan was THRILLED to be going for a ride behind the bike and just as thrilled when he saw that the destination was ice-cream. I think that he and Daddy ate the most as Ethan had some of mine, Anderson's, and Lyndsey's. 8) This was a really fun family outing.
Afterwards, we went star-gazing in the back yard. It was Bob's idea and we all really enjoyed it. The sky was so dark and the stars so bright. We'll have to do that again some time.

Monday, we hiked Mt. Major with Mom and Dad, Jason's family, Aunt Paula and Uncle Rick, Jen and Danny's family, and Aunt Carol and Uncle Jeff. It was so much fun! It was work for me but very good for me. We had a picnic at the top and played for an hour or so. The kids loved playing with Zack and Kayleigh. The weather was just perfect. Ethan discovered a caterpillar and he was so excited! He let it crawl on him and picked it up...not afraid at all! This surprised me as the other 2 never reacted this way. It was fun to watch. On the way back down the mountain, I stopped to pick blueberries. (They were sparse, but I couldn't resist!) So I sent everybody on while I enjoyed nature a bit. After I found the path again, I was trucking down the mountain to try to catch up (carefully, of course!). I came around a corner and heard Ethan noises. There were he and Bob, sitting on a rock waiting for me. Isn't that sweet?! My husband who likes to be on the move and in the lead waited for me. This meant so much. As we treked the rest of the way down the mountain, we had some nice conversation. Oh, this was good for my soul as I've felt lonely for him lately. I'll share the funniest part of our conversation...
We were talking about how my bad hip has become my good hip, as I was realizing that I was relying on my right hip quite a bit as I became more fatigued. To keep things clear ("new bad hip", "old bad hip", etc.), we decided to name my left leg "Raskin" after my orthopedic oncologist. It just fits so perfectly. We then started joking around about, "Rasking up", "Don't pull my Raskin". It was fun laughing together.

Kids' Antics

2010-09-05T22:52:00.003-04:00

As always, there are great stories to tell about what the kids are doing. I think that the funniest thing lately is watching Lyndsey want to be a Mumma. It's so cute. She types on her keyboard while I deal with stuff on the computer, she's always shuffling papers around (making keeping things organized very difficult), loves to "cut coupons" and make lists, thrives on organizing (which I sometimes wonder if it's a ploy to keep from having to actually pick up what's on her floor), likes to wash dishes and make sandwiches, is very attentive to trying to clean up messes on the floor like spilled water, and wants to mother Ethan in the worst way. He does NOT appreciate this as she doesn't read body language very well and is quite persistent. But, her intentions and attempts are quite cute, and flattering. I'm really enjoying the extra time I have with her now; it's precious.
Ethan is quite the toddler now. I can't believe how quickly he's changing. We've adjusted fairly well to his attempts to escape, but we're still trying to stay ahead of him as far as getting into things. The other day, I caught him with the computer mouse, the toilet bowl brush, and kitchen utensils from the drawer (that I hadn't seen him get into). He's fast and observant and doesn't like it when I take things away from him. He loves to explore anything that belongs to a big person, especially Lyndsey's kitchen stuff, her computer, and Anderson's cars and toys in his room. They're pretty good about working with him on this, although he's starting to catch on to the whole trading thing. 8) I'm amazed at how much he understands even though he doesn't talk. That little smirk of his says a lot too!

New routines

2010-09-05T22:06:00.003-04:00

Well, school has started, and with it, new routines. I am amazed at how I can again see God's hand in protecting me through the last year or so. In preparing for this school year, the first time that I have a child in school all day every day, I realized that there are many firsts associated with this. I have a tendency to be quite goal-oriented, comfortable with having a plan, prone to trying to pack too much into a day, which would seem to mean that I'm likely to thrive on routine, right? Well, I have never had much of a routine with my kids. Sure, feedings/meals were routine. Lunch, read books, nap...routine. However, I never felt like I could have more of a routine than that, partly due to working 2 days a week which would require multiple routines - different ones for different days. I never thought that was the only reason though. I never really understood why I didn't work toward a morning routine and such, especially when friends shared that having a routine made the days with young children fun and productive, and helped beat the monotony that is common - the same cycle of changing diapers, doing housework, making meals, etc. Well, as I was creating a routine for the first time this year, it dawned on me that my lack of desire for a mothering routine (uncharacteristic of me) was God protecting me. You see, if I had an extensive routine before I got sick with cancer, it would have been a GREAT source of frustration for me. I imagine that it would have been 1 more large stressor as I watched a routine that I was comfortable with and felt was important, and perhaps had worked hard to implement, dissolve. How could people helping us manage to keep up a detailed routine as the kids tested their caregivers and balked at what didn't strike their fancy (as kids will do)? I think this would have been hard on everybody, especially poor Bob who would have received the brunt of it. Thankfully, this wasn't the case. I really believe that God was sparing me, and us. Isn't He good?
So, what is our routine like? We are still working on getting the kinks out, but the morning starts with me and Anderson having a devotional before school. Anderson and Lyndsey have personalized flip charts to get ready for the day (including making the beds!!! This is thanks to Mom's great influence during her months with us. Thanks, Mom!). The kids love their flip charts, and the charts help them stay on task without me nagging at them. They know what is expected of them, and it is their responsibility. (By the way, Lyndsey helped make her flip chart during "school" 1 day...great fun!) While Lyndsey watches Sesame Street at 9:00, I play with Ethan doing puzzles, wrestling, reading books, or helping him ride his horse, as well as get some chores done. Then the 3 of us have time for playing outside, going for a walk, whatever, until 11:30 when we eat lunch. The early lunch allows Ethan to get down for his nap by 12:30 (since there are days when we have to pick up Anderson at school at 3:00). Once Ethan is down for his nap, Lyndsey and I have school time! We are really enjoying this. Then Lyndsey goes down for a rest.
I'm still trying to figure out how to fit in a few things like my hip exercises, but I'm really excited about this. For the first time, I'm not having to harass the kids in the morning to get dressed and Lyndsey to comb her hair (since they don't get breakfast until they're dressed, hair combed, and bed made). I'm also finding that the quality time with each of the kids is happening regularly. This warms my heart. Also, when something different happens, I have a more realistic idea of how it is going to affect the goals of the day and can adjust accordingly. In a sense, I know what I'm forfeiting and can make better decisions. So, we'll see how long this lasts and how it evolves, but I'm excited about it.

Anderson's First Week of School

2010-09-05T21:50:00.002-04:00

Yep! My little boy is now a first grader! He doesn't seem so little anymore! I miss him throughout the day, but I am also really enjoying the time with Ethan and Lyndsey...more on that later.
What was the first day of school like? Anderson was ready in plenty of time, excited to use his new flip chart (more on that in the next blog entry). He also didn't need to leave as early since the first day, the parents bring the kids to their classrooms. So, I had to hustle to get me, Ethan, and Lyndsey ready and out the door by 8:20. We did it! I think that Lyndsey was excited to see where Anderson would be going and who was in his class. We met Mrs. Marquis (which was also the name of my kindergarten teacher) and found Anderson's seat just as the bell was ringing for the school day to start. There was another little boy sitting at the same table, and he seemed very nice (and well-mannered and smart). I had a brief conversation with him and was very thankful that he is Anderson's table mate.
Anderson seems to be enjoying his new class, even though his best buds are in the other first grade. He sees them at recess, which is good. His teacher seems very nice, and I was pleased when he told me that toward the end of the first day of school, she asked the students to raise their hands if they had felt nervous about their first day of school. All students except 1, and the 2 teachers, raised their hands. I really appreciated this acknowledgment (for Anderson to see that it's OK to feel that way and that it's normal, for adults too). This seemed very wise to me. Anderson had not indicated that he was apprehensive about going back to school; he just didn't talk about it much. He was excited about his new school supplies and new lunchbox. (I'm so proud of Bob. He has initiated that Anderson should pack his lunch each night before school, rather than rely on Mumma to do it for him.)

New Accomplishment

2010-08-19T22:48:00.004-04:00

Today I did something that I have not done in almost 2 years! I shaved my legs the "normal" way (for me, at least). Without even thinking, I stood on each leg, 1 at a time, and shaved the other leg that was propped on the counter. Until this point, the best I could do was stand on my good leg, but then when it came time to switch legs, I'd have to sit on the counter. I didn't even realize I had done this until a few minutes later...isn't this bizarre?! Anyway, I'm excited about it.

Big Events!

2010-08-04T23:04:00.007-04:00

I climbed a rock wall on Sat.! It was definitely a beginner level, but I didn't think I'd be able to do it. I tried, and the feeling of accomplishment when I rang the buzzer at the top was great! Anderson also climbed the wall. I'm so proud of him; that was his first time! His persistence paid off.

Another piece of major news for me at least is that I can now see my hair out of the corner of my eye...first time in over a year! I can tell when it's messy, if it's sticking out in that direction. 8)

Tonight, we had some great family fun. We all went for a bike ride (Bob pulling Ethan and Lyndsey in the buggy). This was the first time I've been on a bike in 2 years! My balance was OK, but I definitely have some work to do. Bob was cautious, which I thought was a bit unusual. A couple of times he reminded me to be careful not to wipe out. Speaking of wiping out, we were riding back in the dark, as we got carried away picking blackberries (3+ quarts!), and Anderson ended up on the ground. He has a few good scrapes, but I thought it was good that he recognized it was because he got going to fast down the hill. The part that made me shake my head was that he backed the bike up the hill a bit more so he could get going fast enough for the dip, all this after just wiping out! Boys!

Ups and Downs

2010-07-24T19:55:00.003-04:00

I'll start with the "downs" first. As I keep realizing, I'm not 100% yet. This is most obvious when I lose my balance. The other day, I fell over while vacuuming - tripped on my own foot. Fortunately, the carpet was relatively soft and I just tweaked my shoulder a bit...and nobody saw me. 8) Last Tues., I fell while carrying Ethan up some stairs. I have painful rug burns on both knees to remind me that I'm not as "fit" as I sometimes think I am. I was carrying Ethan and a bunch of other stuff, running late, and trying to muscle through the fatigue going up the stairs (as most Moms do). Well, I didn't lift my foot high enough and down we went. I kept Ethan from falling/getting hurt, fortunately. He just looked at me like, "OK, Mumma, what just happened?" Crazy times.
The "up" is that we made a trip to Pittsburg...just me and the kids!!!! This was HUGE! I've never gone on a long drive with 3 kids before. This doesn't bother me as long as nobody pukes, has to pee (or worse, poop), and there aren't any car problems. These snags can create quite the adventure. This is also the first road trip I've done since chemo (without another adult). It was interesting because as I headed out, I felt nervous just like the first time I drove my parents' car after getting my license. (The nervousness then was mostly because I was going to a place where I had never been...on my own and navigating at the same time.) I was surprised at the commonality. Everything went fine; we arrived 5 min. after midnight. The visit with Grammie and the rest of the family was great. I even got to see my 17-year-old cousin, Whit, twice! That's major considering he's a busy guy working these days. I also was able to visit quite a bit with Denise. This was such a treat as we haven't been able to spend much time together since I was spoiled last summer with her being with us every week. It was wonderful hanging out with the kids and Grammie - we had a picnic and "swim" at Back Lake, visited a castle climbing structure, played on the huge grassy lawn, ate YUMMY foods! The weather was really good, and we had a great time. Denise rode home with us, which was a great opportunity to gab and also helped me maintain sanity with 3 crazy kids in the back seat. And, the kids and I had dinner with Gram H. The kids were ECSTATIC about the box mac and cheese and hotdogs, with choc. milk to boot! Anderson said, "I don't think it gets any better than this!" 8) Gram and I had a nice visit, and it was wonderful to be over her place after almost 2 years away. God is good.

Not 100%...Yet

2010-07-19T19:58:00.002-04:00

We had the flu in the Levasseur household last week. It started with Bob and Anderson at the end of our family camping adventure, and we thought we were in the clear. Wrong! Sun. AM, I woke up feeling sick. By Sun. afternoon, Lyndsey was puking. She seemed to bounce back fairly quickly, but Ethan also was sick. I was amazed at how long it took me to get over it. After I finally puked (I held out a LONG time - very unusual for me!), I felt better, but it still took DAYS for me to regain strength and not be dizzy from weakness. This made me realize that the chemo really does have long-lasting effects on me. My body isn't fully strong yet. I'm not complaining though. As I was throwing up, I was praising God for it. This was the first time in over a year. This is a major miracle as nearly all women my age who have chemo puke while they're receiving it and afterwards. (The nurses always had the pink bowl ready!) God spared me, and I am so thankful. God is good.

On kind of a funny note, by about Tues. night, the kids were praying that I would get better so it woudn't be so B-O-R-I-N-G. Bob relayed this to me. They definitely were getting sick of being in the house, even if it did mean extra PBS so I could nap on the couch!

Wonderful inefficiencies

2010-07-10T23:56:00.002-04:00

I read a MOPS e-mail that talked about the "curse" of learning to be an efficient mom. We mothers strive to multi-task on many levels and efficiently accomplish more than any human should. This ability to multi-task is a blessing, but the article encouraged mothers to sometimes be inefficient. The example the author gave was driving the long way home from getting groceries so she could see some beautiful gardens. This challenged me to not always be in such a hurry, to not miss the little things or not prohibit myself from slowing down to a walk, but I wasn't sure of any specific examples where it would apply in my own life. Well, I think I found one! Last Fri., I went blueberry picking. Most of my girlfriends pick cultivated blueberries (high bush). They're larger than wild ones, grow in clumps, and are easy to access. I chose to take my kids up Blue Job and pick small (SWEET), free blueberries that were scattered all over the bushes in 1's and 2's. This is not the most efficient way to pick blueberries, but I enjoyed it so much (in spite of the heat and carrying Ethan the whole way in a baby backpack!!). This, for me, was a great inefficiency and "waste" of a day with my kids. I also learned that Anderson is good at picking blueberries and finding the "jackpots". I also discovered that we need to work on training Lyndsey to pee outside. What a mess, poor girl!

Hair Humor

2010-06-22T17:02:00.002-04:00

I think that because I had to have a sense of humor about my hair, weird "hair things" really crack me up. I'll share a few, and if you're lucky, you'll get the same great laugh over it that I have.
A few weeks ago, I was talking with a woman at the women's retreat. She asked me if I had a sister at church. I was wondering who she thought looks like me; perhaps it was Courtney or Melissa because I've heard that. (I think it's the smiles.) She went on to say that there was a woman who led Bible study that she went to a few times that she thought was my sister. I CRACKED up - not at her but in amazement at the connection she made from years before. "That was me!" I said. She hadn't known that I'd gone through cancer and chemo, so the difference in hair color and style made her not realize I was the same person. This still makes me chuckle.
The second thing is what my friend's daughter said to her Nana. Samantha is Lyndsey's age and told her Nana that I had a "chemo haircut" and that it still looked pretty. That is so incredibly sweet, and the part about a chemo haircut makes me laugh and laugh.
Laughter is good for the soul.

Kids Update

2010-06-22T16:55:00.002-04:00

Ethan started walking full-time a few weeks ago. I love watching him toddle around. As Jason predicted, he's quiet about his mischief and fast. I've lost track of him a few times but am getting much better at staying ahead of him. He's also started signing "all done" with regards to his food being gone, not him being finished eating. He loves to eat! He also loves to give me and Bob kisses. Out of the blue, he will come toddling over to me with his lower lip slightly protruding and humming "mmmmmm". It means he wants a kiss. Ohhhh! What a treasure! I'll be sad when he grows out of it.
Lyndsey is very good at painting fingernails. Auntie Beth and I were amazed. Hopefully, she won't decide to do it independently, which is why the polish is stored in my bathroom. She's also doing much better with not trying to physically make Ethan do what she wants him to do. I'm am so proud of her better self-control and greater demonstrations of respect. She was very concerned that when Papa John came to stay that he remember Cricket (his dog's) bed...always the nurturer.
Anderson has graduated kindergarten!!! It was a fun day, although Anderson didn't like wearing a tie. He is doing a great job reading, and today, I even found him independently reading his kids' Bible. This is a big step from reading to us or reading signs/food labels. The last day of school, he got a nice black eye. He and a friend collided, but he said it didn't hurt too badly. It sure looks like it did!

Fitness update

2010-06-22T16:40:00.002-04:00

Oh, I am so behind in blogging! So, I'll try to be concise.
I had my chest/pelvis CAT scan, and it was clean. Woohoo! I wasn't really nervous about it, but there have been verses about trusting God and songs and such that made me wonder if God was preparing me for another battle. This made me wonder if this CAT scan would reveal something unexpected. It did not. Thank You, God.
My hair is growing back in dark and curly. It's absolutely crazy to be fighting the puffball. However, I am enjoying the new hair style, as much as can be expected. Bob wants it long again. My thought is that I'll take it 1 hairstyle at a time; we'll see what happens. I am still determined to enjoy the variety. I've noticed some grays coming in but am constantly remembering what I said before - gray hair is better than no hair. 8) Also, I was driving the Mazda yesterday and as the sun was shining through the sunroof, I noticed that I have red hairs growing in too! Just like Lyndsey's. It was really nice to see this in that to me it means I'm bouncing back to me. (This dark hair is just so foreign to me, and I had blond and red highlights before.)
I'm having to watch what I'm eating again. Bummer! I'm up to 122 pounds, which is fine, but I'm noticing that it's not all muscle. When you factor in the muscle that I will be continually building as my butt, leg, hip muscles are developed, that would put me heavier than I want to be (and who wants belly flab!). So, I'm trying to be more mindful, I've made it to the gym a number of times (which feels really good!) and plan to become more consistent, and this too is a lot more like "normal" to me.
The back of my leg is really "zingy" now. The nerves are regenerating, but this means that shaving is torture! It's like getting constant electrical shocks all down the back of my leg! Sometimes, I get zinged when nothing is touching it. This is progress from numbness. 8)
I finish my physical therapy next week, and the rest is in my hands. Willem says it will take at least a year to get both sides symmetric in look and strength. Now for the discipline to keep up with my exercises! I think I'm going to set a high goal and then bribe myself with a professional massage when I attain it. That should work!
When I had my last CAT scan, I had to have contrast through an IV. It was a very different experience having it taken out because I now have arm hairs. Youch!! Tearing off the tape that keeps the IV securely in 1 place really stung! I hadn't thought about that one!

Family update

2010-05-21T17:03:00.002-04:00

Ethan has decided that he wants to walk, sometimes. He still is really lovey-dovey and has a great dimply smile. He likes to fake laugh now too...it cracks me up. He LOVES Hayden (Jason and Dawn's baby), can't get enough of him...kisses and such. Hayden isn't quite sure what he thinks about it. We really enjoyed having him overnight a couple of weeks ago though!
Lyndsey is taming a little bit. Whew! She's doing great with learning her letters...basically picking it up by herself. I plan to do some "school" stuff with her next school year, if not before. I don't want to miss out on this! She's still struggling to obey rather than do what she wants to do, and to keep her hands off Ethan. *sigh* She's very good with Hayden though!
Anderson is doing great with his reading. He read Member Way on a road sign while we were driving, which I thought was pretty impressive. His mouth looks like a jack-o-lantern. As Ethan gains teeth, Anderson loses! He also figured out that the tooth fairy isn't real. It was a neat conversation, which included an explanation of why he moved his tooth fairy pillow to different spots. (He wanted to help the tooth fairy out, which made life very difficult for me!!!)
Bob rode a bicycle to work this morning - first time. He still isn't home yet. 8) He's had a great time spending money on the accessories that he needs. He's borrowing a road bike right now. Here comes another expense! GREEAATT.
I'm feeling really good. My energy is up, and I'm nearly done all my physical therapy. The Wellness program ended for me last Monday. It will be wonderful to not have appts. 4 days/week. The trick will be keeping myself from filling up the time. I know one thing; I need to tackle this house! We also need to get out for some walks too.
Off to make a new recipe for dinner. We'll see what the kids think of this one.

Vacation Recap - Part 2

2010-05-03T20:59:00.002-04:00

We went to Sea World the first day (with Mom, Dad, and Grammie). It was a good day but kind of difficult to figure out how to work this "group in a busy park" adventure. We certainly didn't have a very long list of what we had seen/ridden on by the end of the day, but we did have fun. Even the first day was quite tiring (especially given we were battling the flu), so we checked into the All-Star Music Resort and took naps, going back to Sea World afterwards. The evening was really nice in that it wasn't busy at all. We walked through exhibits and didn't have to worry as much about keeping everybody accounted for. The kids went on the sea carousel (Lyndsey's "wish" item) and climbed with Bob on a huge "jungle gym" of rope ladders, tunnels, and slides. Lyndsey's timidity over it subsided as Daddy went with her and encouraged her. My hip was doing well, but I just didn't have the energy to go on it too. I'm sure part of it was the influence of not feeling great. I decided that it was best not to push it.
The kids were definitely interested in seeing the sea animals and had lots of questions. We saw the Shamu show, but it wasn't all that great since the trainers now don't get in the water with the whales. The kids didn't know what they were missing, which was good. They liked going to the dolphin nursery, and Anderson decided early on that he wanted to feed the dolphins. (It happened our last day at Sea World and was really neat. We got to touch them! Well, Anderson and I did as Lyndsey didn't want to. Bob and Ethan were videoing.) It seemed that the kids liked the moving walkway in the shark tunnel more than being able to look all around at sharks swimming above and below. Go figure! Ethan took it all in though. Our second day back to Sea World (day 6 of our Orlando adventure) was much more eventful. We saw some GREAT shows (dolphins, sea lions, Jack Hanna!), rode the Manta (GREAT rollercoaster - the adults went except from Grammie!), saw the penguins, manatee, and seals, etc. I think that part of the higher level of excitement that I sensed was probably due to good health and the kids understanding how the whole park "scene" works. Mom, Dad, and Grammie had to leave us a bit early to catch their plane, but the kids couldn't last much longer anyway. Day 6 maxed them (well, all of us) out. I was surprised that we didn't cover all of Sea World. But, that's the way it worked out. It was part of learning and accepting that we can't push too hard. I'm really glad that we went 2 days, especially since the kids like animals and sea life so much.

Vacation Recap - Part 1

2010-04-29T20:51:00.004-04:00

Our trip to FL was tiring but went smoothly. We were thrilled to be able to carry all our luggage on and not have to pay extra fees. We even got in a bit early! The kids enjoyed flying, although Lyndsey was nervous during the descent. She held my hand so we wouldn't fall out! She also noticed that when the plane takes off, it goes as fast as Daddy's car! We discovered that Ethan does not nap on planes until he can't possibly hold his eyes open. I had to lull him to sleep back near the engines, bouncing him and swaying. Anderson really enjoyed looking out the window but did not enjoy carting our stuff through the airports. However, when we were renting the car, we met a passenger with a parrot. That was very cool; he told us a lot about it. (It was in a cat carrier, minus the cat.)
We spent he first few days of our vacation in South Pasedena at a condo. It was very nice and allowed us (me) to wind down a bit from all the pre-vacation hoopla and the traveling. I was quite tired and took a lot of naps. The pool was really nice. The kids loved going between the pool and the hot tub - gluttons for punishment, I think. Ethan really liked the water - his first real time in a pool/lake! He laid right back and floated in his life vest. He was very relaxed!

Anderson came down with the flu the morning before we were supposed to leave for Orlando, throwing up and all. Lyndsey also got it. I was praying that the rest of us wouldn't catch it! I had no idea what we were going to do if we were sick the next day. Fortunately, God stopped the flu, and although Bob and I had our moments of not feeling great, we never got sick. (Poor Courtney did the night before they were headed to Orlando!)

Doctor's appt.

2010-04-29T20:41:00.002-04:00

Today we had a double doctor's appt. It was Lyndsey's 4-year well-check and a follow-up appt. for Ethan (from the pneumonia/ear infections).
Lyndsey is doing great. She is 39 pounds and 42 inches tall (just tall enough for some of the Disney rides!). That translates to 90-95% in height and 70-90% for weight. She can do things with her hands that are beyond "normal" for her age group, and she peed in a cup! She needed 3 shots and did SUPERBLY! We prayed about it twice last night and once this morning, but I have to say that I was floored with her calmness throughout the whole process. She didn't even whimper! I couldn't believe it (especially since she's still quite tired from yesterday and our last shot experience was horrific - I had even begged Bob to bring her to this dr. appt.)! We are very excited about this major "accomplishment" for Lyndsey, how she saw God take care of her needs and help her.
Ethan is much better from the pneumonia - clear lungs. He still has fluid in 1 ear, so we'll return to the doctor's at the end of May, just to make sure that it goes away. Both kids still have a junky cough, but the dr. says it will eventually go away. This stuff hangs on pretty good.
By the way, Anderson also had a major accomplishment today - his first school concert. He did not want to do it, but he did such a good job singing with the other kids. He did not look like he enjoyed it (reminded me SO much of Jason when he used to have to sing), but he survived. 8) He was very energetic afterwards, so it didn't drain him too much! We were especially happy that Grammie C was able to come too...so special!

Home Sweet Home!

2010-04-28T20:49:00.003-04:00

You might have wondered why you haven't seen any blog entries for a while. We've been on vacation for 3 weeks! It was great, just what we needed! In the next week or so, I will be blogging about it. In the meantime, this is the adventure of today.

We got up nice and early (as planned) to pack the last bit of our stuff (or should I say that Bob the master packer worked at cramming more clothes and stuff into already full suitcases in an attempt to carry everything on the plane and avoid checked baggage fees?). We left the hotel on-time, which is amazing for us. We got to the airport at a decent time, although certainly not with "plenty of time to spare". Does this surprise you? (All I could think of was my business travel with Alice and how she would keep me in the realm of time to spare. 8) ) Then, the adventure began. The signage was horrible. "All terminals this way" really meant "you could get to all terminals this way but you'll have to walk a mile in and out of buildings". We didn't discover this until, after asking an airport employee who directed us to keep going the direction we were headed, we came to the END of the terminal and no AirTran. Come to find out, we needed a different terminal, and the shuttle to get to it was across the airport thoroughfare. So, "you can't get there from here". This meant trucking all the way back the length of the terminal, down the elevator and out the door to the shuttle stop. We waited a LONG 5-10 minutes for the shuttle to arrive (by this time, we were 1/2 hour from departure and had not checked in nor gone through security) and unloaded everybody and everything to get our 3 children, 4 suitcases, 3 car seats, 3 backpacks, double stroller, an x-ray and 2 misc. bags onto the shuttle. When we arrived at the correct terminal, we found out that we could have just taken a shuttle from the car rental drop-off directly to the terminal. AGGGH!! The kids were WAY worn out as they were shlepping stuff too, I was sweating and breathless between walk/running and trying to motivate the kids to not dawdle, and we were once again hustling the length of the entire terminal to get to our carrier. (At this point, Bob was also double-loaded as Lyndsey couldn't handle anymore.)

I wanted to get so frustrated, but God showed me the teachable moment. I was able to talk with the kids about my having a choice about the kind of attitude I'd have about all this. I could be frustrated and angry because it was a lot harder than it needed to be and we were in danger of missing the plane, or I could give it to God and just try to maintain a good attitude. (Anderson, especially, has been struggling with getting upset about things/deciding they're "boring" or not good enough, etc., when the situation looks more like he's choosing to look at the negative over the positive. I wouldn't say that he's pessimistic in general, but we've been seeing a lot more pessimistic tendencies lately. Hopefully, it's just a phase as life is much easier/more enjoyable when the glass is half full rather than half empty.) So, God used Anderson's struggles to help keep my attitude and perspective in check.

When we got to the terminal, the airline employee said she didn't know if she'd be able to log us in. The computer let her, and we were instructed to run. Ha, ha. Through airport security with 3 kids, 4 suitcases, ... you get the point. Everybody's shoes had to come off, and I had to be hand-wanded due to my metal hip. It was insane, but we got through and RAN to the gate. When we arrived, the airline employee was NOT happy to see us with all our stuff. The others were very nice, and we got everything tagged for under the plane (car seats and stroller), suitcases and children onto the plane, and everybody seated with NO time to spare. (Our seats weren't together, so Bob and I really had to divide and conquer. I felt like an exhausted, crazy lady, and Ethan was complaining because of how I had to carry him. Poor kid.) Fortunately, the woman that Anderson, Ethan, and I shared a row with was very understanding and encouraging. She and I had a great conversation during the 2 hour flight where I didn't have any of the entertainment/food that I had packed for the kids since our bags had been put in any bin where there was space. We managed though. That was the first leg.

At the end of the first leg, Lyndsey and Ethan fell asleep. Bob had to wake Lyndsey up, and she was NOT a happy camper. She wouldn't follow him off the plane because she wanted to be carried, so I had to go back to herd her out. That was just the beginning. I won't go into details, but the bottom line is that Bob and I were beside ourselves trying to get everybody and everything onto the second plane. Anderson was extremely cooperative, and we were SO thankful. He responded well to pretending that we were race cars in a race. I was the commentator in the rear calling out the progress of race car Anderson, and yes, he did make it to the lead. I honestly wondered if we were going to make it getting everything to the gate and onto the plane. God got us there though. The next thing was for Him to show us how to parent Lyndsey as she was in hysterics by this point. Once I got the snacks out, I realized that part of the problem might have been hunger. It was past lunch time, and the kids just kept eating and eating. This doesn't provide an excuse, but I did learn that when you need cooperation in a very timely manner, make sure their bellies are reasonably full. It sets you up for success rather than providing another thing they have to overcome. Lesson learned. Fortunately, everybody's mood/attitude improved. Thank You, God, for helping us make it to Boston...whew.

Grammie C. met us at the airport. We were all very happy to see her, especially the kids. No problem cooperating now! 8) It was cute to see Anderson and Lyndsey excited to tell her stories about what had happened since we saw her 1.5 weeks ago. Of course, one of the first things they exclaimed was, "We almost missed the plane!" Yep, ratted out every time. 8)
We actually reached home around 5 and at right away. Bob did a lot of unpacking, and I worked on groceries and childcare. I'm pleased with what we've accomplished tonight, although there is still LOTS to do over the next few days.

Ethan

2010-03-31T21:58:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to let you know that Ethan is quite sick. Basically, it seems that he has been sick for the entire month of March, one thing right after another. He's cutting at least 3 teeth, so that has probably lowered his immunities. Yesterday, the dr. diagnosed him with pneumonia and a double ear infection. Poor guy! He's pretty miserable, but we have seen a slight improvement since he started the nebulizer treatments and the antibiotic. We heard his first non-crying sounds ("talking") last night, the first time in days as Bob pointed out. I'm hoping we'll see great improvements tomorrow.

Bounce House

2010-03-19T23:05:00.002-04:00

Tonight was a lot of fun. We had a family night at church. There was a bounce house to keep the kids occupied while the parents heard a speaker. Afterwards, I went in the bounce house. It was great!!! I think that part of the reason that it was so much fun is that it was hard for me to keep my balance (kind of like when I was a kid). It was an EXCELLENT workout for my hip, and I had so much fun bouncing and falling with Anderson and Lyndsey. Ethan even played with us in there a little bit (and Bob too). I think that Lyndsey enjoyed playing in there with me the most; we held hands and bounced and fell...giggle, giggle, giggle. It was a great time and one I'll always treasure in the "great memories" section of my brain. It's kind of neat to see that my hip replacement helped me to actually have MORE fun than the average adult. Go figure!!

One year ago...

2010-03-09T22:18:00.003-05:00

Well, today is the anniversary of my hip surgery to remove the cancer. I cannot believe that a year has passed. I find myself thinking a lot about all the things that I'm thankful for that people gave, said, did over the last year. God went above and beyond through so many different people; I am still amazed.

Have we returned to "normal life" yet? Sort of, I guess. Things are very busy, especially with my 5 days/week of appts related to physical recovery. That is taking its toll, especially on the kids, but we will persevere. It definitely is helping me physically. I'm again running up and down the stairs to get out the door "sort of" on time. I can lift Ethan off the floor with ease and carry him around the house. I've even wrestled a bit with Anderson and given Lyndsey a piggy back ride. I don't have hip pain, although all my muscles are usually sore due to all the "new" use and regeneration that is happening. My limp is still there but definitely improving. I also have arm muscles again (small, but they are there)! I'm building up endurance (cardio-wise) and my balance has improved tremendously. My hair is growing well...I actually had my first haircut today! It's been over a year since I've had my hair done, and boy, was that nice! Even though my hair is very short, I felt quite girly, which is something I've struggled with. It has been very helpful having eyelashes and eyebrows again. I won't take it for granted being able to wear mascara!

I really need to get to bed. If you think of it, pray for the kids. I think that things are starting to catch up with them, and my leaving for appointments usually leads to tears for them. It's hard.

Ethan turned 1!!

2010-03-09T22:03:00.004-05:00

I can't believe it! My precious preemie is 1 year old, and there isn't anything preemie about him. He's actually more "sturdy" in his physique than either of the other kids. He's walking with coaxing, determining that he has eating/drinking preferences (drinks can't be too cold, doesn't care for carrots, won't eat what he is given when he sees something on the table that he prefers), using sign language, expresses frustration with Lyndsey (sort of like a cry for help from Mumma), claps, jumps on the trampoline, etc. We had a "friends" birthday last Thursday (Winnie the Pooh cake - photo below), and we'll have his "family" party this Saturday (Tigger cake). He definitely loves cake!

Crazy storm

2010-03-01T19:46:00.001-05:00

Amazingly, we didn't lose power at all. The wind here was INCREDIBLE, but we'd had Dad cut the dead/dying trees last year. So, we fared wonderful well. I'm so thankful as many people lost power for quite a while. Mom and Dad, Jason and Dawn, and Beth Anne were all without power for days.
Ethan had trouble sleeping during the storm. I think that the wind kept waking him up (it sounded like a freight train!), and then he'd cry and cry. Finally, after a few tries of putting him back to sleep, we realized that maybe he was a bit scared too. So, we put him in bed with me while Bob was working on my closet. (Woohoo!) Ethan can't sleep all cuddled up, so I just leaned my head against his. That seemed to do the trick as he fell soundly asleep. Hours later, Bob put Ethan back in his own bed and reclaimed his side of our bed.

Ethan

2010-02-28T22:56:00.002-05:00

We've had some great Ethan moments lately. Last weekend was his baby dedication, a very special day for him as well as us. For us, it's a time to formally ask for help in raising Ethan to love and serve God. He is God's child, and we want to remember our purpose in the time that we have with him.
This weekend, Ethan started walking! He has taken a step here and there, but now it's a few steps in a row. He still definitely prefers crawling, but that won't last too long.
Ethan also had his first drink of cow's milk. He really liked it; it's the first time I've seen him try to drink from his sippee cup independently. We'll see how it settles with his system. 8)

Valentine's Day

2010-02-28T22:49:00.003-05:00

I realized that Bob's and my last "normal" date was Valentine's Day 2009. I was in considerable pain but managed to enjoy the steak at Texas Roadhouse. How far we've come since a year ago! We had a good Valentine's Day 2010 - even danced! It was very hard for me to shift my weight on and off my "bad hip", but it was well worth the effort. I look forward to dancing easily again, and it will come.

This was the first time I went out without something covering my head. It felt very strange, and a bit daring, but I soon forgot I was sporting a short 'do. I definitely was happy to have my Lyndsey "baby earrings" to spruce things up. I'm getting a styling "trim" this week and am really looking forward to it. As Grampa used to say, "It's touching my ears" (implying that it's time for a trim).

Hayden has arrived!

2010-02-16T21:10:00.003-05:00

Many of you have probably already heard, but Hayden Daniel Covill has finally arrived! He was born at 11:52 on Feb. 3 at a nice 7.5 pounds. We are so excited that this long-awaited gift from God has finally come!!! The kids couldn't see him (except through a window) due to the hospital rules, but I got to hold him! He even opened his eyes and looked at me!

Anderson was acting a bit odd about seeing Hayden, but I later realized that he didn't know what to make of my (and others in the family) being so wound up over Hayden's arrival. My Mom, ever the wise one, suggested that maybe he was feeling a bit jealous or displaced or something. So, we started talking about what his and Hayden's relationship might be like - whether Hayden will laugh histerically at him like Ethan does. This seemed to help matters. We have yet to spend any time with Hayden as a family since Ethan was very sick last week, so we'll see how the kids react to that. I will also try to tone it down a bit. 8)

By the way, Ethan is a lot better now. He still has a yucky cough, but the antibiotics seem to be helping. The dr. thought that maybe he was trying to come down with pneumonia. The nebulizer also helped significantly. I'm so glad that the high fevers are gone (his temp. peaked at 105.7 on Thursday...so scary but definitely a time to remember that he is God's child)! He's still a bit tired but acting MUCH more like himself. And so far, none of the rest of us seem to be getting sick.

Christmas Photo

2010-02-11T21:14:00.003-05:00

Here is one of my favorite photos from this Christmas. It was so great to spend time with Dan as it had been a whole year since we last saw him. This was also the first time that he met Ethan. I just loved watching him play with the kids; they think he's GREAT! It's funny because we had a waiter at Friendly's (back in November) named Dan. We went back to Friendly's this week, and Anderson remembered him (mentioned it as he saw Dan across the room). It's because he had associated him with Uncle Dan. Awww! (Lyndsey kept wanting to call him "Uncle Dan" because in her mind, there is no other Dan except her uncle. This guy must have the same exact name too!)

I am also very pleased to notice that I look very different now from when this photo was taken. Woohoo! I have eyelashes and eyebrows!! My hair is also a lot longer. I'm actually getting ready to book my first haircut (actually a hair "shape"). I actually wake up with bed head, and get hat head, now! My nails are still a wreck though. I'm getting close to where my toenails will have completely grown out the "chemo toe nail". I hadn't realized how gross they looked because Aunt Carol (and Beth Anne) did such a good job keeping those nails painted! God provided in even the small things.

January

2010-02-03T16:32:00.003-05:00

We've been trying to slow it down but not so successfully. With appts. every day Mon.-Fri., life feels very busy. God has blessed us with a babysitter that comes 3 days/week to feed the kids lunch and put them down for naps while I'm at the Wellness Program. Mom still comes 1 day/week, which is the day when I try to schedule all the random appts. and have physical therapy. She also catches me up on cleaning and such. It's exciting to see that lately she's not having to do as much. Although she always finds stuff to do, it's nice that she can be "Grammie" more too, doing crafts and playing. My other day of p.t. is in early evening so Bob is home with the kids. I am making great progress physically, gaining strength daily. I still have quite a way to go, but it's still very encouraging.

Lyndsey has kept me laughing. She was playing Grammie. She told me that her dolls were her grandchildren, but she calls them "Grand". What a hoot! Another time, Lyndsey and I were talking in the van on the way to Bible study this morning. Lyndsey asked me why we have cold, warm, and hot water in our homes. I asked her why she thinks we do. This question was a bit much for her, so I decided to break it down. "What do we use cold water for?" I asked. (I was thinking she might say "to drink" or "to brush our teeth".) Her response, "To wash with when we pee in our undies". HA! HA! HA! (For those of you who might have forgotten, Lyndsey's peeing in her undies was way out of hand, so her consequence was a cold bum washing to clean her up. She had figured out that if she turned on the water, it wasn't so bad since she could make it just cool. Well, I one-upped her [this time] and would run the water on cold to make sure that it was frigid. This deterred her and she's doing much better. Apparently, it made an impression!) If you're curious about her other answers, they were "to wash things" for the hot water and "fix things" [like wetting hair to comb it] for the warm water. Here's a photo of what I found 1 day - she had taken my baby carrier from where it was packed and utilized it for her big baby doll. Of course, 1 baby is never enough so she had the other one slung over her shoulder. The glasses are crazy ones she got from Anderson's teacher. (Lyndsey has made a friend.)

Christmas

2010-02-02T20:32:00.006-05:00

Oh what a great Christmas that we had!!!!! It was wonderful celebrating our Savior's birth together as a family. Lyndsey seemed to have a greater level of understanding as she could really appreciate Jesus being a baby. I found her playing Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus with her dolls. It was really precious.

We were able to go to Pittsburg! It was wonderful - being with the whole family (Dan was home from CO). We saw many cousins and their families, which was great! Below is a photo of me, Ryan, and Jen. We actually got to hang out with them and their families (and parents!) twice over Christmas break. What a treat!

I've also attached some photos of our Christmas at home. Lyndsey got a microphone for Christmas (what were we thinking!). She has been playing church ever since.

Ethan received a big truck that he really liked. He wasn't into opening presents much this year, but he certainly liked being on the floor with the family. He's crawling around and very fast! We had a nice day with Bob's parents and brother and his family as well. It was great seeing how much Aidan has changed and watching him interact with the kids.

What was my favorite Christmas present besides being with family? Bob bought me a piece of "baby jewelry"...a beautiful aquamarine pendant on a rose gold chain. It's very unique, and I really like it.

December

2010-02-02T20:25:00.003-05:00

We did surprisingly well in December, in spite of all the extra preparations for Christmas. I had a lot of fun shopping for gifts to buy for loved ones (thanks to Mom and Diane C.!), both because I was able to be "out" and also to be able to give back. We tried not to book too much with the kids, to have the season be a bit more laid back. It's always tough, and I'm not sure if we succeeded or not. Bob and the kids got sick (hard cold), but once again, God spared me from it. My physical stamina is very low, but I'm seeing progress. I'm continually amazed at some of the things I can do. One fun event this month was going to Anderson's classroom to make gingerbread houses. I helped the kids, and Lyndsey was able to also make her own gingerbread house. Fun was had by all! Here's a photo of Anderson eating his house.

Catching Up

2009-12-18T15:30:00.002-05:00

OK. It's been way too long since I have blogged. Here goes...

We're all doing really while, in spite of Ethan and Anderson having colds. We're hoping the rest of us don't catch it! We are enjoying the Holiday season in spite of its busyness and trying not to pack too much in. We've enjoyed a Christmas party at Bob's work (photo attached) and a potluck with friends. The month has also been exciting with Dawn's baby shower, Ethan learning to crawl and pull up on things, Lyndsey's enjoyment of the Christmas music (you should see her dance!), snow, Anderson getting ready to lose his 4th tooth, and the kids experiencing ice skating for the first time.

Last weekend, Bob and I went to Boston for a set of CT scans, doctor's appointments, and the removal of my port. All went very well. It was great to see some of my nurses again (quick visit) as well as my doctors, and the results of the CT scans were good. We stayed overnight in Boston at a friend's place and enjoyed dinner in the North end. (I'm sure we were quite the sight, walking in the rain while I caned and Bob held the umbrella for both of us. How romantic!) Getting the port out was the last thing on the "to do" list, and although it took longer than expected (they used me to teach a resident...a little disconcerting since I was awake for the whole thing!), I was amazed at how good I felt afterwards. I was expecially surprised at how I felt emotionally - I felt "whole" again. I hadn't thought that the port bothered me too much, but it sure was nice not having it in my body anymore, nothing extra (besides the steel femur that I'm happy to keep).

After all the appointments on Monday, we WALKED from MGH to the Cheesecake Factory (at least a mile) and had a DELICIOUS dinner. It was the first meal in its entirety where I could taste (and fully enjoy) everything! Woohoo!!! My tastebuds aren't all the way back, but this is huge progress. What a blessing to have such a great meal with Bob!

OK, enough for now. I'll write more later.

November "highs"

2009-12-01T22:58:00.002-05:00

Well, the last half of the month has been fabulous. My energy is improving, and it is so good to not have to be going back to the hospital for overnights anymore. I don't really know what daily life will look like yet, but we are getting that much closer. The Holidays are always so crazy anyway that I don't think we'll really begin to adapt until we begin 2010. I guess that it's nice in that it might be more gradual, perhaps a bit easier for us.
The Thanks Giving Celebration was wonderful. Thank you to the many of you who have sent me notes about it. I really appreciate them.
Thanksgiving was just as good as I dreamed it would be. We kicked it off with going to Dave, Jill, and Aiden's for dinner (Bob's brother and family). Mom and Gerry were there as well as Jill's parents. It was a very comfortable evening with lots of entertainment thanks to Aiden, Ethan, and Lyndsey. The food was yummy and I could actually taste it! I think my favorite part was Jill's cinnamin rolls...Mmmmm! We headed for Pittsburg at 9:00 and got there by midnight. The next few days were filled with family and fun. It was so good to be back; it felt so normal and familiar. We got a lot of snow and had an adventure with losing the electricity for 19 hours. It was a visit we won't forget! The kids made snowmen with Daddy, Grammie, and Aunt Dawn. Ethan crawled for the first time on Saturday. (Now he's a little man on the move.) The only thing that kept me from crying over leaving was knowing that we'll be back up North in a few weeks for Christmas. Eleven full months being away was way too long.
I started physical therapy a few weeks ago and am already seeing progress. It will be a long process as there is so much to do, but I'm encouraged to know that I'm headed in the direction of walking without a limp (maybe by my birthday?). Right now, the biggest challenge is making the time to do my exercises. We've got to develop a family routine that will help me fit it in. God will help us figure it out.

Thanks Giving Celebration Update

2009-11-22T08:45:00.003-05:00

My body is so sore from all the standing, but my heart is so full. It was a wonderful evening, in spite of technical difficulties. 8) My reaction to all of this made me realize one area where God has changed me through this experience. My "type A" side of me would have been disappointed, and maybe a little bit stressed, that everything didn't flow seamlessly. However, it did not bother me at all. Praise God! (Less stress is always a good thing - for myself and those who are around me, especially Bob.) The trials of the flexibility required for chemo treatment gave me lots of practice letting go. It's not like I have control over many things anyway, but I think that sometimes there is an illusion of having control. Not so much during the last 11 months! So, I will pray about not reverting back to old ways as I know that can happen as the trial is more a part of the past.
We will try to post pictures some time soon. Also, we have a copy of the slide show, and Luke/Tris videotaped the celebration. If any of that is something you'd like to see, just let me know. Of course, I'd be happy to share it. Tris and Luke and also going to put together a "final project" that documents our journey in a more complete way. (Thank you so much, guys!) It won't be ready for a while, but I know that it will be worth the wait. So, I won't put people on the spot by asking if they want to see these things. (OK, I'll probably put a few people on the spot, like my brother Dan, but I'll try not to!) You can talk to me about it. 8)
Time to bust the boys out of bed so we can get to church. (Of course, Ethan is already up.) I'm amazed at how richly blessed I am from the celebration when all I was trying to do was give back as a token of thanks. God is like that. 8)

Update

2009-11-14T08:46:00.002-05:00

Well, I was feeling totally exhausted Thurs. and Fri., like I'd been run over by a truck. It was very hard to go back to that place, but I am so thankful that God kept reminding me that He is in control. He also reminded me that this is so close to the end, to have patience.
I was so wiped out that I went to the Dover hospital thinking I needed a blood transfusion. I was so sure of it. However, my "young" bone marrow is holding its own and bringing back the red blood cell count. Praise God! So basically, it was the chemo kicking my butt. Because this was a different treatment (all of 1 drug in 1 day instead of over 2 days), it was tough to know what was what. And, my doctor kept reminding me not to push too hard. What?! Me push too hard? I was relieved to know that I was doing what I should, having my blood checked, instead of wondering what my problem was. 8)
I noticed that even though I was only gone for part of the day, the time away from the kids (with me at the hospital) was hard on them. They're behaviors (Anderson's and Lyndsey's) were so different, but I think they were stressed out. After all, we had already celebrated the end of chemo. I'm sure it's hard to understand. We're back together again though, and there's lots of cuddles.

Last Chemo Session

2009-11-11T09:24:00.003-05:00

The day went surprisingly quickly. I was very happy to be able to say good-bye to many of my nurses before I started in with my appointments. We got a nice photo too. Hopefully, some of them might be able to come to our celebration, but distance and work shifts might prove problematic. We'll see!
My appt. with Dr. Choy went well. We've worked out the details of the future plans. In Dec., I'll have a chest, abdominal, and a pelvic CAT scans as well as a bone scan. They'll also take my port out if everything looks good, which we're expecting. Part of the reason for the scans is so that there is a baseline for future scans (every 3 months for the first 2 years and then every 6 months through year 5). Some of the scans can happen in Dover, but December's appts. will be in Boston.
The chemo went well, much faster than normal since it was a full dose of only 1 drug (adriamycin, the one that gets hand-pushed in). We weren't sure how my body would be affected considering that it was twice as much adriamycin at one time (rather than being administered over 2 days). This drug will not impact my kidneys, which are still a little bit revved up but on the higher side of normal. They're coming back down to normal, slowly but surely. We did find out that my red blood cell count is quite low. This might mean a blood transfusion at the end of the week. Dr. Choy said to watch the symptoms.
Aunt Carol and I got back around 8 Monday night. Lyndsey was sound asleep, but the boys were still awake. Ethan greeted me by putting his hand on my cheek and leaving it there. It was so sweet. He just kept his hand there, and when I'd start to move, he'd hold on to keep me there. (All the while drinking his bottle while in Daddy's arms) Although Ethan has done things kind of similar in the past, this was a first. When I went up to kiss Anderson good-night, he was obviously excited to have me home. Lots of hugs and kisses and things to talk about. It was really cute.
So, I'm glad to be home. I'm trying to take it easy and not overdo it. I know that poor choices could lead to nausea, in spite of the anti-nausea drugs I'm taking for the first few days post-chemo. I'm praying that my hair won't fall out again. It's actually making progress! I know that if it does, it will be OK, but I also know that God cares about my wants as well as my needs. We'll see what happens!

Treatment Update

2009-11-04T20:11:00.001-05:00

The scoop is that my kidneys are still a bit worked up, so I won't be having any more cisplatin either (that is 1 of the 2 drugs that I get an "A" and "B" dose 2 nights in a row for my "big guns" treatment, which is what I'm due for). Also, the methotrexate level is still detectable. So, the game plan is that I will go to Boston on Mon. for blood work and providing the methotrexate is out of my system, I will receive adriamycin "outpatient". I should be home by 6:00. And that's it for me and chemotherapy for 2009. (Routine scans will be scheduled for a month down the road.)
I'm so thankful to be getting this over with at the beginning of the week. I'm so thankful to have been able to do an art "class" with Lyndsey today. I'm so thankful to not have been in the hospital this week. I'm so thankful that I won't be staying overnight at MGH anymore. The unknowns are whether this treatment will knock out my hair again (which is starting to fuzzily grow in) and also what physical side effects I'll experience. Without the second drug and 2 nights of very interrupted sleep at the hospital, perhaps it won't be so bad. We'll see!

A Change in Plans

2009-10-26T19:00:00.002-04:00

The game plan was that I would go back down to Boston tomorrow night with Melissa and receive my chemo in the wee hours of Wed. morning. Mom would stay with Melissa's and my kids while we were gone, with Melissa's husband taking over after work. We had "helpers" lined up to assist Mom with the 5 kids.
My blood work from today revealed that my kidneys are in high gear, which is a first for me. (Normally, it's my liver that keeps me in the hospital the extra night after methotrexate.) This is my body's way of screaming "UNCLE!" to the doctor, so he has decided that I will not be receiving ANY more methotrexate. This week's treatment is canceled, which as you can imagine left me cheering. I'll get my last treatment, the big guns, next week, as planned.
So for those of you who are concerned about the kidneys, my level should be 0.5-1.3 (with my personal numbers in the range of 0.7-1.0). Today's reading was 2.7. So, I go for blood work again tomorrow to make sure that the numbers are dropping. In the meantime, I need to hydrate more and keep taking the antidote for the methotrexate "until further notice".
I think the coolest part about all of this is how I can see God's hand in it (which I'm not always able to recognize). I was concerned about Mom having all 5 kids, given her fatigue lately and the kids just having got back from family vacation. I was concerned about my body handling the methotrexate as I don't feel ready - still quite fatigued and not quite right. I was bummed to have to tell Anderson's teacher "no" to helping with the pumpkin party on Thursday, due to treatment. Well, this "change in plans" took care of all of that in 1 swoop!

Chemo Update

2009-10-23T17:26:00.003-04:00

Sorry no info. until now; Bob scrubbed the scrolling banner. 8) I'm home and exhausted...slept all day except maybe 2 hours. God keeps reminding me that tomorrow is a new day, and He still has me in His hands. At least I'm not sick, just feel crappy-tired, chilled, no appetite, thrush is back. Some of it might be due to getting a flu shot too. (H1N1 not avail. yet, so maybe I'll have that next week.)
Interesting trip to Boston, as always. Adventure started with the car drive; Aunt Carol and I missed our exit and didn't realize until we saw signs for Rte. 90. It was very dark, lots of trucks on the road (we passed), and we were gabbing. We're not used to traveling it at night either. Regardless, a phone call to Bob and a trip through the airport terminal got us back on track and we eventually made it at 9:08. The whole thing struck me as quite humorous, not sure why. The late time didn't really matter because they weren't going to give me chemo until the early morning (at my request - it's too tough on me in the middle of the night). The bed wasn't available until 7pm, which actually turned out to be a good thing as I was able to have Anderson's birthday breakfast for dinner with the family (thanks to Auntie and Dave).
I ended up getting chemo at 10:30am due to some craziness on the floor and the dr. not realizing that they won't mix the chemo until 9am (he had written the order for 10/22, which meant they couldn't mix it the night before). So, this was a very different experience, and my fatigue is usually what I would be experiencing Thurs. night. I'm just thankful that my liver settled down enough yesterday so I could get home mid-afternoon. (Also, it was great to see my nurse friends on Phillips 21 again as it had been about a month.)
It looks like I'll have the same schedule next week due to the minimum time required between treatments.

Off-time Fun

2009-10-21T22:06:00.003-04:00

God really blessed us with providing a great deal of energy during these last 2 weeks. I still nap most afternoons, but I've actually taken care of the kids a little bit by myself and accomplished a few things on my wish list.

*Anderson and I went on a birthday date...lunch at Friendly's, 6 year photo, and shopping for party favors for his brithday party with 5 friends.

*God gave me the energy to prepare for the party - doing invitations, shopping for party favors and supplies, making Anderson's cake, getting a gift, and making birthday brownies for his class. (I was very surprised by the energy I was able to exert, as well as the fact that my hip retaliated. It seems to be a bit better now.)

*The kids and I, with the assistance of my friend, picked apples at an orchard, saw baby farm animals, and went through a maze. Ethan loved riding in the backpack on Melissa's back! We all had a good time in spite of the cold.

*We had some fun family time with another family at a different orchard, having a pizza picnic and getting drops. (Mom and Lyndsey spent all day making applesauce! Hard work!)

*I finished getting Lyndsey and Ethan's clothes settled - clothes that are too small packed/given away and clothes that fit put in the drawers. Anderson's clothes are half-way there.

*I've been able to go to women's Bible study regularly...so uplifting!

*I actually scrapbooked 1 night - not very productive but the chatting was great. I also hung out with friends at a girls' night out. It was great to be with the girls.

So, as you can see, God has been very gracious. I know that this last cycle will bring more challenges, and after that, even more challenges with not overdoing it and the transition within our family. But, God will continue to take care of things. I just need to keep my eyes on Him.

Yogi Visits

2009-10-21T22:01:00.002-04:00

See Anderson's Blog!

Update

2009-10-03T19:31:00.002-04:00

This last trip to Boston went pretty smoothly once they finally found a bed for me (after calling a couple of times to change the status). Jason stayed the first night, and Nichole stayed the second night. I really appreciated the quality time, good conversations. I'm doing well considering that this week was the big gun's treatment and sleep was challenging. Once again, I was able to walk out of the hospital! The fatigue hit Friday (and today), but I won't complain. This could be SO much worse. The thrush is back but no mouth sores so far! The dr. cut both drugs in half this time, and I had a blood transfusion. So, these are good reasons for me to have better-than-normal energy. Good-bye Cycle 5!!!!
When I got home on Thursday, I took Ethan to the dr. The poor little guy has a double ear infection. My poor mother spent a lot of the previous night awake, trying to sooth him back to sleep, but at least the next night was much better, thanks to the antibiotic and Tylenol. He seems to be doing well now.

God is so good

2009-09-28T10:45:00.002-04:00

So many things have happened recently, that I felt I could not just post the list in the "praises" column. I have to give you more details!

1. Last week was so interesting with the "different" accommodations when I went down to chemo. I was not familiar with this floor of the hospital at all, so it could have been quite stressful. However, God was so good in keeping me at peace. Maybe I've actually learned a little bit from His lessons when I had to be on Ellison 14 with Jason! Wouldn't that be cool?! I'm hoping it's long-term learning, and I'm thankful because I know the Source of all my peace, thoughts of looking to God's purposes in the change of plans, and ability to laugh instead of cry in frustration.
2. I wasn't sure what this week was going to hold as Aunt Carol needed to stay in NH. I had e-mailed Jason about going down with me, but I suspected that he had some scheduling conflict because of the youth group he leads on Wed. nights and the short notice. (Jason is the speaker.) Sat. AM, I went to a women's get-together, and my friend Nichole gingerly approached me about whether she could go to Boston with me (concerned that she not make me uncomfortable). It was an answer to a prayer before I even prayed it! So, Jason will stay with me Tues. night (as Nichole has work commitments on Tues.), and Nichole will stay with me Wed. night. Isn't that cool?
3. I avoided a blood transfusion last Monday, but I believe I'll need one this week. This is probably good timing in that I'll be at the hospital anyway and can have the transfusion between treatments (since it's not methotrexate this week). That sure beats spending an additional 4 hours away from the kids!
4. God sent me some encouragement last night through a conversation with a friend that I don't get to talk to all that often. It was such a pleasant surprise that she shared with me how God has used our situation to draw her closer to Him in prayer. This totally touched my heart, both what she said and that she shared it with me.
OK, gotta go get Anderson at kindergarten.

Boston Update

2009-09-22T22:42:00.004-04:00

Well, it's 11 pm, and I've been struggling to maintain a good attitude. At this point, the situation is just ridiculously funny...to the point where if I start laughing about it, I might cry. So, here's the scoop.
I'm on a different floor than ever before because the other floors are all full. (Way to feel special, huh? I can't complain though; they're letting Aunt Carol stay here, which is not common practice.) My first nurse made me very nervous. I coached her through the pre-chemo steps and tried not to notice her apprehension or shaking hands, all the while praying. I ended up not being accessed until 3.5 hours after I got here, and at that point, the hydration was not the right solution (too low a percentage of sodium bicarb). So what does that mean? I'm just starting chemo now (2.5 hours later) because my pH hasn't been high enough (since my body had time for it to drop back down after the pretreatment I took at home). So in spite of my best efforts - like being assertive in making sure they activated me right after I got here - I'm still getting treatment in the middle of the night. Ugh. The good news is that I have a different nurse who I am more comfortable with.
OK. Now let's talk about the accommodations. The room is very small, which is fine except that we're supposed to fit a cot in here. You should have seen me and Aunt Carol trying to figure out how to rearrange the room - "interior design at Mass General" - so that we could fit a cot as well as have room for me and my IV pole to make it to the bathroom a million times during the night. We finally decided to move my bed over, after about 5 minutes of trying to figure out how to take the brakes off. Oh yeah, and we're still not sure how we released them, but the brakes are back on. Speaking of bathrooms, like the room, it's teeny. I can barely fit me and my IV pole in there at the same time. No shower either. It totally reminds me of a bathroom on an airplane, just slightly larger.
So, yet another adventure in chemotherapy. At this point, it doesn't really take me by surprise. God is still in control, regardless of how it feels. And who knows? Maybe the middle of the night treatment won't hit me so hard this time. If it does, God will pull me through. At the very least, these are good memories with Aunt Carol.

Medical Update

2009-09-21T13:37:00.002-04:00

Last week, I had methotrexate and it looks like I will again tomorrow. Aunt Carol is my traveling companion. 8) I am so thankful to report that I have not gotten mouth sores...thank You, God! I also had a bit more energy on Sat. and Sun., enough to socialize a bit. It was like a breath of fresh air to be able to hang out with friends. The sunshine sure felt good too!
My dr. thought that I would need a blood transfusion today, but I didn't! My count was 27, which is reasonably good considering everything. So, that was a nice surprise, getting to spend the second half of the day with the kids instead of in the hospital.
I have been very encouraged to know that I can count my remaining treatments on 1 hand. Getting closer!

playing

2009-09-15T14:09:00.004-04:00

Here is a photo from last Monday. My dear friend, Candy, spent the day with us and helped me bring the kids to the park after kindergarten. The kids love climbing on these wood structures at Roger Allen Park, and it was great spending some more active time with them before I went back for treatment. It was a beautiful, sunny day. Thank you, Candy! I could not have done it without you!

Ethan can sleep anywhere!

2009-09-15T13:46:00.006-04:00

Ethan has fallen asleep while bouncing in the Johnny Jump-up, continuing to bounce periodically. He has fallen asleep while being held standing up in my lap. This is a time that I caught on video...so cute!

Wonderful Visits of Encouragement

2009-09-15T13:45:00.004-04:00

I have been so blessed to be surrounded by such a great network of family and friends, and even strangers.
I don't think that I blogged about this already, but I could be wrong. Anyway, it's on my heart again. Around the half-way mark of chemo, I really wanted to do something to celebrate. My first thought was to go North to Pittsburg, but that just wasn't best. I ended up without an idea of what to do. Well, God took care of it; I didn't need to plan anything. I had some very special visits right around that time that really boosted my spirits - seeing Gram H., Aunt Paula, Jen, Aunt Carol; a visit from Aunt Deb, Uncle Denny, Grammie C.; another visit from Aunt Cheryl, Uncle David, and Whit; a day-long visit with Ryan (my cousin) and his family from Kentucky joined by Jason and Dawn; a visit from my cousin Karrie and her family; as well as the regular summer visits of Beth Anne and Dave, and Denise and other wonderful friends who live nearby. What better celebration could a person have?!!! It was great.
More recently, I had another very special visit. "The great aunts" took an excursion to come see us, and boy, did I feel special. The photo below shows the crew - (back row, left to right)Grammie, me, Aunt Norma, Aunt Geneva, (first row) Aunt Katherine, Lyndsey, Aunt Hilda, Aunt Betty, and Aunt Margaret. The set of older women are all sisters-in-law, married to the Covill brothers (except for Aunt Geneva who is Grampa's sister). How special that this group of ladies piled into the mini-van to spend a day on the road visiting us, and doing a little shopping. 8) I really enjoyed the visit (and, I got to see Grammie twice in 1 week!). Lastly, a quick story about a stranger. My friends Julie and Tim (from college days) have been faithfully praying for us. Tim's job puts him in contact with tons of people. He met a man, John M., who lives in Ireland and whose wife is fighting cancer. He and Tim talked about me back in March/April, and John said that he would be praying for me. His and Tim's paths crossed again more recently, and John remembered me, asking how I was doing and saying that he was still praying. Isn't that amazing how God is demonstrating such lovingkindness in that He continually reminds people, even strangers, to pray for little ol' me?! God is so good.

Cycle 4 - Big Guns Treatment

2009-09-13T21:05:00.002-04:00

I am so behind on blogging but am going to try to catch up. Two weeks ago, I went to Boston for my "big guns" treatment after a forced week off for my body to rest. My brother Jason drove me down and stayed, and God sent just the right person to accompany me. We knew when I headed out that I would not be staying on my normal hospital floor with the nurses that I've been working with over the last 4 cycles. However, I was told that the double room I would be staying in would not include a roommate so Jason could stay. I was still feeling kind of bad about this; I wasn't going to be in familiar surroundings with nurses who have become friends. I was wondering why God would allow this additional trial, and then He reminded me, "This isn't all about you." I realized that perhaps there was somebody new that I was going to meet that God would enable me to encourage...maybe a nurse. (Ironically enough, less than an hour later, Jason pointed out the same thing.)
So, when we arrived at Ellison 14, it was so different from what I am used to...much more hospital-like. Poor Jason didn't have anything but a chair to sit on; he used my bed for a footrest. My nurse was really nice and had been working oncology for 12 years (a blessing as I was comfortable with her administering my chemo...Thank You, Lord). And I also found out that I was going to have a roommate. Jason ended up sleeping in the lounge on a cot, and he was so gracious about this. My poor roommate was having a lot of cancer-related issues that they were trying to figure out and was in a lot of pain and very weak. We were able to talk some, and because I had such energy, I was even able to help her. Sharing a room with her also helped me take stock of my situation and realize how fortunate I am. She will be battling cancer for the rest of her life, off and on. I don't believe that will be the case for me.
The most amazing thing about the whole trip was that I took the chemo so well. I got out of the hospital 1 day early, and I was even able to walk out to the parking garage! This hasn't happened since my first big guns treatment. Praise God! I was exhausted the next 3 days, but I didn't have any nausea and was able to eat decently...truly amazing.
So why was Jason the perfect companion for this trip? Well, I certainly appreciated the great conversations that we had. How often do you get to spend lots of hours on end together, allowing for conversation beyond the "quick catch-up" to happen. This was a blessing. Also, he was so easy-going about us having to fly by the seat of our pants and not having comfortable accommodations. I knew that he really didn't care, so I didn't worry about it. So, this was a memorable chemo trip.

my friend, Laurie

2009-09-11T14:35:00.003-04:00

I have been blessed. My cousin-in-love introduced me to a new friend last March, Laurie. We quickly became dear to each other as she shared with me in our experiences with cancer and more importantly, our love of God. God used her to encourage me, continually drawing my eyes to Him and giving me a prayer partner. She was/is such a treasure, radiating Christ's light and love. What I find amazing is that even after her death (about a month ago now), God is still using her to impact me. I still think of things we talked about, words of encouragement she shared, and the spiritual legacy that she has left behind. I pray for her husband, Greg, and their children as even though they know Laurie is now in the best place ever, they miss her terribly. I highly recommend that you read the blog entry that can be accessed by this link. It is BEAUTIFUL, not a bit morbid. What perspective.

http://upapaddle.blogspot.com/2009/08/most-beautiful-bride.html

Photos

2009-09-02T22:29:00.001-04:00

The kids are getting big, and I thought you'd appreciate these photos. Lyndsey was thrilled to be able to hold Ethan (while not sitting on the couch). Her confidence about what she can do with him, e.g., standing up, scares us. In the bottom picture, she was helping Anderson hold Ethan. Note the outfit she is wearing, particularly the shoes; she has quite the sense of style! Anderson was a little worn out from his first real day of school, which explains the look on his face. It's been an exhausting week for many of us.

First Day of School

2009-09-02T22:12:00.004-04:00

We went to Orientation for Kindergarden on Monday. Anderson was apprehensive but also excited. He said that he stopped feeling nervous once he realized (in the classroom) that he already knew who his teacher is. (He had talked with her at the screening.) He was very well-behaved and attentive. It was great to see the other kids he'll be in school with.

He also showed us a new trick. He went across the monkey bars many times...so strong and steady. I enjoyed watching him confidently figure it out. His repetitions reminded me of when he had just learned to walk and discovered the ramp at church. Back then, he practiced walking up and back down the ramp until he was satisfied that he could do it well...practice, practice, practice.Here is a picture of his first day of school without parents. He and Dakota waited for the bus at the end of our driveway. (See how big his tomato plant is that Uncle Jason gave him? We've enjoyed lots of tomatoes.)Anderson boarded the bus without even looking back. He's such a big boy! He learned that the bus ride to school can be VERY noisy. Day 2 on the bus wasn't as disorderly. We thought mornings might be rough for Anderson as he likes to sleep in. He has been doing a FABULOUS job getting up with the alarm and tending to business so that he can meet the bus. He's very tired this week, but we know this will all soon be old hat for him.

What do the rest of us think of all of this? I'm amazed that I haven't felt really sad. I can't believe I have a child in school, but I am really excited for Anderson's new adventure. The challenges of helping him process what socially goes on at school are interesting, but God is guiding me and Bob through it. We're thankful that Anderson is so open about what he's experiencing. (The poor kid has to tell his stories twice as Bob wants to know all the details after dinner.) I've really enjoyed time with Lyndsey one-on-one. This is a new and much-needed opportunity, particularly in light of all the chaos of the last few months. Tomorrow, we're going to the library, and Lyndsey keeps asking if Denise will come too. She can't imagine going to the library without Denise. 8)

Teeth

2009-09-02T22:10:00.003-04:00

Anderson lost his second tooth while I was at chemo, the week before he started school. This one he was brave enough to pull out! He saved it on the windowsill until I got home (more because bed time can be so hectic than for my benefit). The tooth fairy rewarded him with $1!

Delayed Treatment

2009-08-26T18:02:00.005-04:00

This is a bit late, but as many of you know, my treatment last week was delayed until this week due to the signs that my body was giving off that it needed a break. I wanted to share with you how this was so clearly an answer to prayer, even though it wasn't the answer that I really wanted. (The last thing I want is a longer schedule.)
1. The details of how it happened were so strange, making God's hand in it even more obvious. I ended up not hearing about my blood work Mon. night and as a last minute thought, called JudyAnn to double-check that there wasn't any miscommunication (even though it's very unlikely that the hospital would have notification that I was coming if the blood work hadn't passed). When she called me back after I found out that the bed was already ready (VERY rare), she asked how I was doing. I gave her my report, which led to a call to Dr. Choy and the decision for me not to take chemo. I was totally shocked by this.
2. Mom and I had been praying separately that God would give Dr. Choy wisdom. Until this incident, he has leaned more toward treating me in a manner that has proven to work for people with bone cancer. His decision moved me out of the regular group and into my own category. I hadn't even remembered to tell him that the kids and Bob were sick, which would have probably made his decision that much easier considering my immune system really drops with this treatment.
3. I had also started praying that God would help me to not fix my hope on the end of treatment but truly on Him. I know that it's OK to look forward to the end, but there is a line that I could easily cross where my hope would truly not be in God but rather in circumstances. What good is that? God can control the circumstances, and putting hope in circumstances just leads to disappointment, ultimately. There's no way we can know what is going to happen, but God is always consistent. I am thankful, though, that the end of chemo seems to be drawing closer and that we believe we'll be entering a time of healing for our family (my body, the family routine and time together, raising the kids together rather than so much being on Bob, family involvement in activities with other friends' families), maybe even a return to a somewhat more normal life but hopefully forever changed in good ways by what God has been teaching us. So anyway, along with putting off my treatment, my schedule will be really up in the air, taken week by week. How's that for not being able to hope in the end (being the last week of Oct.)? It might not seem like much difference, but not knowing whether I'm staying or going over the next month will really maintain my sights on God, I believe.
So, there you have it. Answered prayer as well as answered prayer that I didn't even think to pray - God helped me see the good in the delay and not get too discouraged.

Medical Updates

2009-08-13T20:36:00.002-04:00

The methotrexate hasn't hit me as hard this time, and I am so thankful. I'm exhausted as I was awakened frequently both nights. One of my awakenings was thanks to a doctor who woke me up to inform me that he was on the floor if I needed anything. "Besides my waking you up, is everything OK?" I was so out of it, I didn't even know how to respond. Mom heard the whole thing and was biting her tongue for all she was worth. After he left, I had fully awakened and then couldn't get back to sleep, so I had to take Adivan (anti-nausea drug that also helps with sleep). Adventures in chemotherapy.
I still have the thrush, so we're going to try another 5 days of anti-fungal medication. If it doesn't work, I'm stuck with keeping it at bay using the troche (like a lozenge) for the rest of my treatments. I'm hoping to get rid of it. It leaves a really gross taste in my mouth and makes eating that much more difficult 'cause things taste gross from it (especially water). So please pray that this will go away for good.
I have mouth sores again, but so far, they're not as bad as last time. They hurt, but I can still eat and swallow even though they are under my tongue again. I kept cold stuff in my mouth for 2 hours while the methotrexate was being administered, so maybe that helped some. Another prayer request - that these mouth sores will heal quickly, before the "big guns" treatment next week as that is when my immunities really drop and they could get much worse (like last time). (By the way, Lyndsey has a cold, so please pray that I won't catch it. She's very sneezy and has a runny nose...tough to stay away from those germs! God did keep the rest of us, perhaps with the exception of Ethan, from catching her flu bug she was battling last week.)
My eyes were wicked bloodshot this morning. They tend to get blood shot the first morning after treatment, but this was much worse and not fitting the same timeline. The dr. isn't concerned, and they aren't burning or dry. So, this is just a case of being unattractive. 8)
I do not need a blood transfusion at this point in time. My red blood cell count is still in the upper 20's, which will hold for a little while. Whew! Speaking of blood, I had a really weird experience with my port this time. The great thing about the port is that they take blood from it as well. I don't have to get stuck with a needle again; I barely even know it's going on. I guess that sometimes when I'm sleeping, the blood will go into the vile really slowly until I take a deeper breath, and then it gushes in. Well, this time when they were taking blood shortly after I arrived at the hospital, the blood just wouldn't come out. They tried having me take deep breaths, move my head (which affects the position of my neck where the tube goes through to the major vein), but it was just a trickle. At some point, I moved/relaxed just right, and the blood started flowing well. I was told not to move, and we got the viles filled no problem. It's kind of a weird feeling to know that blood is supposed to be coming out, but it isn't. As long as they stick me with a needle to retrieve it. You know how much I love needles.
Speaking of needles, I got my shot last week that shuts down my ovaries. (This is a HUGE needle, and I have to take it in the butt muscle. It's once every 3 months.) I was dreading getting it, but with God's help (and the EMLA cream), it was no problem. Thank You, Lord!
Dr. Choy and I had some lengthy discussion about the game plan from here on out. My body is indicating the toll of the chemo (frequent blood transfusions, mouth sores, ringing in ears), so they're going to ease up a bit. He's going to decrease the amount of 1 of the chemo drugs. Also, if my counts aren't right prior to an upcoming methotrexate treatment, we'll just skip it rather than putting it off a week and then resuming the regular schedule. I really feel like this is an answer to prayer in that I've been asking God to guide the doctor's decisions about my treatment.

Adventures for Aunt Dawn

2009-08-13T19:59:00.003-04:00

The kids spent 2 nights at Uncle Jason and Aunt Dawn's house and were upset to leave today (to come home). It was great in that Lyndsey barely even knew I was gone to Boston, which was much easier on her. This also gave Bob a chance to recharge by having some down time and hanging out with friends. We really appreciate Dawn's sacrifice of taking on 3 kids while being pregnant, and boy, did they have some adventures (beyond just trying to get Lyndsey to eat her dinner).
Tuesday night, Anderson's first tooth fell out, but he didn't even know he had swallowed it. Dawn hadn't realized it was that loose or would not have given him an apple to eat; she felt bad! She quickly recognized Anderson's nervous response to her reaction and reassured him that other people have swallowed their teeth. Anderson thought it would be fun to not tell Mumma or Daddy and see if they noticed when they saw him. I even tried to trick him into telling me if he'd lost his tooth yet, but he was too smart for that.
Also Tuesday night, Ethan decided to roll over in the crib and sleep on his belly, little bugger. For those of you who might not be up on the latest theory, babies are supposed to sleep on their backs. We haven't had a problem with him rolling over in bed at home because he's still in the bassinet. We hope to have Lyndsey's princess bed ready soon so that she can move into that and Ethan can have the crib, giving him more space to move around when he's sleeping. So, Ethan's antics left Dawn trying to decide how important it was to keep him on his back and what she should do.
Wednesday, Dawn brought the kids to Cassie's house to play with her kids. They have a pool, and Lyndsey decided to go down the slide. (She had a life jacket on.) I don't think that she realized what would happen when she got to the bottom. She informed me that she did NOT like it, that it was scary. She survived her face going under the water (and being out of control) and followed Cassie's coaching to "swim" to the side of the pool, that she was OK.
Wednesday night, Jason built a campfire, and the kids roasted marshmallows. They saw a porcupine come out of the woods. (Lyndsey calls it a "pokeypine" because it has little pokies on its arms that can "get you and hurt".) Anderson told me that it smelled the marshmallows but then when it smelled the people, it decided to go back into the woods.
Today, on the way home, Dawn had a fender bender...yet more excitement for the kids. They got to see a fire truck, ambulance, and police! I was really amazed at Dawn's presence of mind in telling them to stay in their seat belts and locking them in the car while she talked to the police man. I'm not sure I would have thought of locking the doors, but I will remember it! (By the way, everybody was fine and hopefully the car won't be much to fix. The air bags didn't go off, which was good.)
So, the kids had a great time having a sleepover party at Aunt Dawn and Uncle Jason's house, and Aunt Dawn will certainly sleep well tonight! She is such a trooper.

More tidbits

2009-08-11T17:21:00.002-04:00

OK. So we played bocci last night as a family. Anderson insisted on it since Mumma could play too. (That made me feel so good.) I lost, but as I was heading up the stairs, Anderson said, "Mumma, you played bocci pretty good for a cancer person." What an encourager!
We're going to try another round of antibiotics against the thrush...5 days. If it doesn't work, I just have to put up with it until this is over. The troche do help some; they just haven't cured it. In spite of my efforts to gain weight this week, I didn't. I didn't lose any either though.
I was talking with Melissa the other night on the phone (a rarity these days - boy, was it nice to have girlfriend time with her). Some of what we talked about was how God is probably using this trial in my life in much larger ways that I could even dream of. I had lost sight of this phenomena that is often true when we look back on hard times, and I really appreciated that Melissa was reminding me of this hope (as in a certainty that I'm looking forward to, not hope meaning something I wish for). I know that He can see the big picture and has awesome plans, but sometimes I forget to dream about it. I was telling Melissa that sometimes I wish I could know some of the specifics of how God is using this season as it would be so encouraging. It's nice to hear that others are encouraged by what we share or by what they see, but to know of specifics in people's lives touches my heart on a different level and gives my heart courage. Well, God provided some specifics through a very special letter from my Dad. Isn't that cool?

God's Provision

2009-08-10T17:48:00.002-04:00

Well, we had a busy weekend, which meant that I've slept a bit better. Sat., we were able to go to Bob's grandmother's 90th birthday party up in Maine. I was amazed that I was able to do it, and thankful. "Gigi" looks great; we haven't seen her in a long time. I was also pleased that she got to meet Ethan. It was nice to see family and for the kids to be able to play with their second cousins. They had a lot of fun. Lyndsey fell in the lake but God protected her. Where she fell, it wasn't that deep, and Daddy was watching nearby. Talk about a heart attack though. Bob and I also had some quality time while driving in the car, something I've been craving.
I only ended up with 1 little mouth sore. Thank you, Lord! I know that this is a result of prayer. The thrush is pretty bad, but I'm trying to be tolerant and not let it get to me. I have 2 medications to try to keep it from getting worse.
Sunday, Bob and I got to go on a date while Mom and Dad stayed with the kids. We went to see the tall ships in Portsmouth. It was so nice to spend time with him. I've really missed that a lot and look forward to after chemo when things can be a bit more normal. We're getting closer to it.
Today, I miscommunicated and ended up with the kids all by myself, and God provided the energy I needed. I took all 3 to the library for the end of the summer reading celebration, and I was really surprised that I could manage it. Thankfully, God was giving me a day of decent energy (and the kids were well-behaved). I had help this afternoon and took a long nap; I was pretty tired by then!
So, I'm thankful for the ways that God has provided, especially in the area of my perspective and emotional health. It has been a rough few weeks, so the reprieve is much appreciated. Maybe the next few weeks will be easier. Regardless, I need to keep rehearsing what He has done, knowing that there will be more as well.

Kids Update

2009-08-06T19:58:00.002-04:00

Ethan is now 14 pounds, 5 ounces! He's in the 50th percentile on the average child chart, 25th percentile for length and head circumference. He continues to be a joy, full of smiles and babble.
Lyndsey has gone weeks with only 1 "accident". Woohoo! She even made it through my being gone for chemo (to my knowlege at least). This is great progress for her. We think the Strawberry Shortcake and Dora undies helped. She's under the weather right now, so please pray that she (and the rest of us) won't get sick.
Anderson has his first loose tooth! I can't believe that it's happening already! He's been listening to lots of stories this summer, encouraged by our weekly trips to the library and the reading competition. He's hoping he'll win a pop-up tent. Some time soon, we need to fit in school shopping as the first day of kindergarden is Sept. 1.

Transfusion/Health Update

2009-08-02T18:46:00.002-04:00

Thank you for praying about the mouth sores. They are nearly gone, and I am really appreciating being able to eat food that requires chewing (even if it doesn't taste right)! I get my methotrexate treatment this week, which is the one that causes mouth sores. So please pray that I won't get more. They hurt so badly! Also, I think that I lost weight from the days of not being able to eat much. Please pray that I'll be able to put it back on; I'll know Tues. when they weigh me in.

The transfusion was difficult. I had a reaction to the platelets which caused itchy throat and persistent cough (sort of like a mild asthma attack). They gave me Benadryl via IV to counteract the reaction, but I needed more to do the job. This led to too much, which put me into a stupor followed by 1/2 hour of flailing arms and such due to the adrenaline. God helped me cope, but it sure wasn't fun. I still don't feel like I've bounced back from it. The oncologist says it might also be "helped" by a steroid they probably gave me. (My transfusion was in Exeter.) So, I feel shaky, weak, emotional, and panicky at times. With each day, the shakiness and panic feelings in my chest seem to be lessening. Thank You, Lord. I am really struggling with all of it though. It's hard to tell my brain that my body is trying to trick me into thinking something is wrong. I have been doing a lot of reciting Scripture about not worrying and about God's love for me. He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, and His "precious" thoughts toward me can't even be counted. God knew that this was coming and has me in a Bible study with Julie about loving God with all your mind (taking thoughts captive, meditating on things that are true, pure, lovely, etc.). This is good. I was really struggling this afternoon and had 3 hours of quality time with God. God used this prayer/reading time to minister to my soul. I do feel like I rested in Him. Please pray that I will be able to do this moment by moment, particularly as I near my treatment this week. I do not feel ready for it, and that's a tough way to go into things. God can turn things around though.

The thrush is still persisting. The dr. and I will need to have a talk about it on Tues. I'm still rinsing with the Nystatin and will try Deanna's spicy suggestion.

My eyelashes and eyebrows are nearly gone (the eyelashes more so). I haven't even cried about it, so to me, that's evidence that God is growing me. I am thankful for a number of things related to this loss.
*My eyelashes aren't poking me in the eyes anymore due to not having any structure to hold them in the right direction.
*My eyelashes and eyebrows are so light that most people don't even seem to notice.
*I can see baby eyelashes trying to grow in. This reassures me that when all this is over, they'll come back.

Well, I guess that's all for now. Lyndsey wants me to look at pictures with her.

Funny Kids

2009-07-24T13:39:00.005-04:00

Ethan has started blowing raspberries today. The funniest thing is that when Ely (Christine's little 2 month old) burped an Ethan-sized burp, Ethan laughed out loud. Can you believe that it's starting this early?! Oh no!

Anderson woke up with a belly ache. I asked him if it was because he was hungry. He said it was. I remembered that he didn't eat a whole lot for dinner, and he reminded me that he didn't have dessert. He insisted that "no dessert" was the reason for him being hungry. "Actually, I didn't have dessert all week!" he remembered. Poor child...and no, don't believe him. His desserts were during the day rather than after supper.

Lyndsey told me she was going to comb my hair. I asked her how she would do that since I don't have any. She said, "I'll comb yours sparklies" very matter-of-factly. So, we sat on the couch, and she combed my head. She then proceeded to try to put barrettes in my hair! As she was working at it, I could hear her whispering to herself, "Put the barrette in the sparklies." Good luck, Lyndsey! She ended up giving up and putting them in her hair.

Wakeful Thoughts

2009-07-20T03:37:00.002-04:00

Yep, it's the wee hours of the morning, and I should be asleep. Unfortunately, chemo can have that affect - sleeplessness. I've taken medication the last few nights but am trying to fight it tonight, especially since I didn't nap earlier today. Ah well, I guess this is the time for this blog entry. Good thing my snoring hubby sleeps soundly. 8)
I'm listening to my iShuffle (thanks to my cousin, Melissa!), and the song that came on (Casting Crowns, I believe) made me think of a blog entry that has been brewing in my mind for weeks now, basically since last methotrexate treatment. The song says, "...And all the tears I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You are Who You are, no matter where I am." These words about God's tears have new meaning to me, particularly in light of a sermon that my cousin-in-love, JeriLynn, shared with me. Her pastor is doing a sermon series on the beatitudes (blessed are the... for ..., in Matthew). The one she was sharing about was "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted". [JeriLynn, I won't do this justice, and I'm working on the memory held by chemo brain, so please feel free to add to the comment section for this post with more details.] Anyway, some "notes" on this truth from God. Blessed - a concept very familiar and common in the Jewish culture. They would "bless" people, food, perhaps as an expression a step beyond thankfulness? "Blessed" is a good thing, a recognition of God's demonstration of His goodness. Anyway, mourning leads to comfort. As I was thinking about this, the verse in 1 Cor. comes to mind where we comfort with the comfort we have received. I have definitely experienced this on both ends; receiving and giving. We will definitely have a new level of giving comfort through this whole experience. How much better is the comfort that, rather than from man, we receive from God Who knows us intimately - our truest needs, hopes, disappointments, the very core of our being for He lovingly and uniquely created each one of us. That leads to the last (and biggest, in my mind) thought...God mourning. When Jesus died on the cross, He was separated from God because of the sin that was yours and mine that He took upon Himself, bearing the consequences. When this happened, the thick curtain that separated the Holy of Holies in the tabernacle from the outer region was torn in two. This kind of tear didn't just "happen" because the material was worn; it was an expression of God's sorrow, His mourning. Think of King David and how he mourned (in step with Jewish tradition). He covered himself in ash, tore his clothes, put on sackcloth. Well, the curtain tearing was God "tearing His clothes" as He mourned (as well as symbolized the removal of the separation that our sin created from relationship with God, made possible by Jesus' sacrifice). This thought has been eye-opening for me as to the level of God's understanding of my human experiences with grief. Obviously, He's God; He understands. However, I think that there was a part of me that doubted His level of understanding...crazy me. And the good news, God's mourning over separation from His Son didn't stop there. Jesus conquered death and the weight of our sin! He rose from the dead and was reunited with His Father in heaven, preparing a place for you and me if we choose to recognize our need and Jesus' ability to free us from our sin. Thank God that He is not still mourning and that we can be in a relationship with Him.
Now back to sleep, I hope.

Chemo Escapades

2009-07-15T17:37:00.002-04:00

We left the house Tuesday at 11:30 to have time to drop off kids in Maine and get to Boston for around 3:00. Upon arrival at 3:30 (after a yummy stop for ice-cream - first time I've wanted it since chemo started), we were informed that they had tried to reach me to tell me to go back home until tomorrow. The patient in "my room" had not been discharged. So, plan B was to have me use the room that was being serviced, except that the newly waxed floors were giving off a lot of odor. Plan C was to wait for a patient to be discharged at midnight and wait for his room to be cleaned (ready around 2 AM). The thought was that we would wait in the solarium (normally a waiting room for friends and family) for 2 hours. That turned to 3 hours, which turned to 4 hours. The solarium was closed off to others as my port had been accessed, and the view is great. The temperature wasn't though. Finally, at 9:00, they rolled a hospital bed into the solarium for me to rest in and so Mom could lie down on the couch. By that time, I was exhausted and had a headache (still no chemo). At 10:00, they decided to try plan B if I could stand the fumes. I checked it out and decided it would be fine. I started chemo at midnight, which ended at 4:00 or so. I did sleep off and on, but it was quite the crazy night. The nap today was much needed. (The staff felt awful and gave us some vouchers for parking and flowers.)

A death in the family

2009-07-15T16:45:00.003-04:00

While Mom and I were in the hospital last week, Bob handled a death in the family. Lyndsey's precious baby (boy) doll "Abby baby" (named after her friend, Abby, who gave her the doll) lost his leg for the second time. (The stitching holding the plastic leg to the cloth body let go.) We had seen this was in the works and weren't sure how to remedy the situation. Aunt Paula tried resewing it, but it didn't work. So, Daddy told Lyndsey that it was time to throw Abby baby in the garbage. He didn't leave her any choice but compassionately helped her pray for Abby baby to have a safe trip to the dump. 8) Lyndsey did fine with it, even after Aunt Carol mistakenly put Abby baby's overalls on Ethan the next day. Lyndsey noticed but was more confused about it than upset.

Adventures in Babysitting

2009-07-15T16:36:00.002-04:00

We have really enjoyed having my cousin, Denise, helping us on Mondays. Since Denise's "children" are her kitties, she's been having a lot of fun and learning a lot. Ethan has been initiating her in the ways of babies, particularly with regards to spitting up. The first week, Denise used the burp cloth sometimes and ended up with a shirt and lap doused in stinky spit-up. The next week, she laughingly pointed out that she now knows the importance of a burp cloth at all times. Well, Ethan managed to miss the burp cloth and land his spit up on her arm, butt, leg, and the floor. It was a magic trick we didn't figure out. The third week, Denise got smart and brought a change of clothes with her. (Nobody likes smelling like spit up all day, especially the kind with formula in it-stinky!) Well, she didn't even need them because she was prepared! Isn't that just like motherhood?! As she was leaving, I had Ethan on my lap and realized he had pooped out the diaper, onto his cloths, and leaked onto my cloths. So, it happens to me too! 8) At least Denise missed out on that one!

Medical Updates

2009-07-12T18:07:00.003-04:00

The blood transfusion went well and I'm still feeling the effects of it. I am thankful. I tire but haven't been napping every afternoon. My activity levels have been a bit higher than normal too. Dr. Choy says that we need to minimize the number of transfusions, for those of you who are wondering. Also, he said that I'm not supposed to rebound as quickly from treatments on this last stretch as my body has been beaten down so many times. Let's pray that God will prove him wrong. 8)
Weird things are happening with my hair. The hair on my legs STILL has not fallen out. Doesn't that seem like a cruel joke? (I guess it doesn't really matter since I'm too cold to wear shorts anyway, except today.) The hair on my head is all new stuff, evident by the lighter color and the soft texture. Apparently, it grew in while the older hair was falling out. Don't get me wrong; it's very sparse. However, it's encouraging to see my hair growing. (This next treatment will knock it out again.)
My body seems to still be battling thrush. I finished the medicine for it and even though it hasn't come back full-force, I believe I see/taste evidences of it. I'll talk to the dr. about it this week when I'm back in Boston.
I had a physical therapy appt. 2 trips to Boston ago. She gave me new exercises, which is good. They're definitely challenging. Please pray that I will be diligent doing them. This is very difficult. I have also given up the crutch for a cane. It's more challenging to use, but I think it will help me stop some bad walking habits. The problem is, I can't lean on the cane when I'm tired!
My appetite seems to be pretty good. The taste buds are a bit more normal. Last night, I ate a lasagna and ENJOYED EATING!! It was a mean lasagna. I actually had 2 large helpings and a lot of pieces of bread (and salad). This was very encouraging.
The ringing in my ear(s) is still there, so Dr. Choy has decided to reduce the amount of cisplatin (chemo drug) as it can cause hearing loss. I don't think I've lost any hearing capacity, but I'm glad the dr. is listening (can't say I care for the ringing in the ear either).
My shots are going well. Yep, the one a day isn't bothering me (with EMLA cream). Woohoo!

Ethan Wakes

2009-07-06T20:12:00.004-04:00

Ethan loves to wake up very slowly. I finally got some footage of it. I think that the total wake-up time, with some prompting, was 15 minutes. I didn't tape every minute of it, but if you want to see some cute baby footage, check it out. Note that even though it had been over 10 hours since Ethan had last eaten, he didn't cry for his bottle. God has so blessed us with an easygoing baby.

Blessings Abound

2009-07-05T22:29:00.002-04:00

OK, the scoop on the transfusion is that it went well (took over 7 hours), but I didn't feel like a "new woman" until today. [Today I actually did some scrapbooking!!!! Woohoo!!!! This is the first time since chemo started and was very encouraging to me to have the energy to delve in.]This delayed energy surprised me, but God was so good about helping me maintain perspective and rest in Him. Holidays can be especially tough, especially when I don't have the energy to celebrate like I'd like. However, 4th of July was alright. We ended up going to a party with friends late in the day and saw some great fireworks. I forgot my crutch at home (how's that for chemo brain?) but managed without it. For a few minutes of the fireworks, I forgot that life isn't really normal right now. Thank You, Lord.
I was also really encouraged at the party, besides being with friends, in that I met somebody whose brother-in-law had the same rare cancer as me. Ten years ago, he found a dr. who would remove the bone with the tumor (which was encapsulated like mine) rather than amputating his leg, and he has been cancer-free ever since. This was really good to hear about and made me feel hope since most stories seem to be about people whose cancer comes back at least once. It also made me thankful that my cancer happened now rather than 10 years ago! My oncologist had told me that chemotherapy and such has come a long way, and this is a prime example.
On a different note, I thought that after my last treatment (last cycle), the cells on my tongue were dying and sloughing off. My tongue turned white and felt like it had been burned leaving little taste. Well, I "happened to" mention it to my nurse this last week, and she informed me that I had thrush and that it could have gotten really bad, going down my throat and into my digestive tract. Thankfully, God spared me from that. It has started to come back again, so I'm taking Nystatin. It's a disgusting mouth rinse that I'm really thankful I don't have to swallow. Hopefully it will truly kick the thrush as I suspect that last time, my body only got the upper hand for a while instead of truly overcoming it (due to the lowered fighting power of my immune system).
Lastly, my shots have been going better. The dr. changed the prescription so that I only need 1 shot per day. I'm not sure if Bob is getting better at giving them (he's been reading up on how to make them less painful) and/or God's been gracious in relieving me of the high stress of it. Regardless, I'll take it. I'm so thankful to not be struggling with that right now. Thank you for praying!

hospital update

2009-07-02T17:11:00.001-04:00

quick thoughts...so tired. Still in hospital for blood transfusion...scheduled for tomorrow 6 AM hopefully. A. Carol just left, Bob here soon. God is sustaining me.

Prayer

2009-06-26T17:18:00.003-04:00

Have you ever felt like you've just run out of words for God, like you just don't know what to say even though your heart longs to communicate with Him? There definitely are times when we need to be still before God and listen (one of my weaknesses, for sure). There are also times when Satan tries to deceive us about the futility of trying to pray. He knows that it's part of putting on the armor of God (Eph. 6:18). So what do you do when the words of praise just aren't there, when all that is left is pleadings about the circumstances?
We pray. God wants to hear what is on each of our hearts, and when all that is there are the pleadings, we ask for more. More awareness of what God is doing and has done, more understanding of Who He is, more focus on Him rather than me. This has been the struggle of the last week or so. I have found myself lacking expressions of praise and fighting to not just think about myself. What's interesting about this whole thing is that I could list plenty of things to be thankful for, but my heart was yearning to just be in His presence and worship Him. So, I asked for more. Want to hear how God provided?
The first provision was a book written by the author of the poem "Footprints". The verses, poems, and thoughts in it have walked me on paths through His Word. The second was a CD of hymns given to me by a friend. The hymns tend to focus on God, not just my feelings about God, so they have been helpful in redirecting me. The third was a book recommended by a friend. "Praying Through Suffering" contains heartfelt prayers and verses that seem to be serving as a springboard during prayer. I just think it's kind of cool how God used prayer to create a desire in my heart to focus on Him and then also provided the means for me to focus while praying. This is not a done deal; I still have a long way to go. But I'm thankful for the baby steps that He has opened my eyes to see.
OK, now for something a bit lighter - I have to tell you about the kids praying. As many of you know, I've been having trouble getting my Lovenox shots. Last week, Lyndsey was sitting on my pillow while I was lying on my stomach getting ready for the dreaded shot. She reached over and, putting her hand on my head, she prayed, "Jesus, thank you for this great day. Please help Mumma's shot not hurt. All-men". This so touched my heart; I wish you could have heard it. The next day, Lyndsey came into my room as I was getting the EMLA cream "placed" (1 hour before the shot) and prayed again. Then she went downstairs. Later, Anderson informed me that while I was getting my shot, he and Lyndsey were sitting on the couch praying that my shot wouldn't hurt (this time, Anderson's idea). Can you picture that, them sitting side by side on the couch? How precious. This definitely warms a mother's heart.

2009-06-15T20:51:00.002-04:00

What a lot has happened since the last time I posted, and I'm surprised at how quickly I can forget God's goodness. I know that my emotional state plays into it significantly.
So, yesterday was a horrendous day, but today was better. I'm struggling with being overwhelmed by this whole process, and my tolerance for things like shots is dwindling with each "blow". Getting the Lovenox shots this weekend was extremely painful and did me in, enough that I broke the rules and didn't take some of them. (Me? Not follow the rules?) The EMLA cream helps me not feel the stick (if it's given in the right spot), but the injection of the fluid stings like crazy and considers to sting afterwards. By Sunday morning, it had driven me to anger, which is not a common reaction for me to pain. I'm questioning whether the "rules" that I currently have are overkill or not, especially considering that there weren't any clots in my legs and the ones in my lungs were so small that if the CAT scan hadn't been so good, they wouldn't have even seen them. Now I certainly don't want to play with fire, but anybody who's been through long-term medical care can probably identify with there being a limit to what a person can take. I've been doing a lot of praying about it, so please pray with me that God will give wisdom and guidance through this part of the journey. I trust that He has my health in His hands, in addition to and regardless of the medications I'm on. I am just not sure how to get from Point A to Point B on this leg of the journey.
Another part of the struggle is knowing when to get the blood transfusion. The dr. said to let him know if I'm still really tired this next week, but how tired is too tired? I know that there are risks to the blood transfusion, and it's a bit more complicated with regards to the blood thinners. We also want to minimize the number of transfusions that I need to have. Another thing that is overwhelming me, another thing to turn over to my Lord and trust Him that He will reveal to me what I need to do and at the right time.
In the midst of all of this, I'm really trying to "count my blessings". God has kept me from being as sick this time, both in terms of nausea and the rate of bouncing back. 2 cycles down. My Lovenox shot didn't hurt this morning (God answered Mom, Lyndsey, and my independent prayers while Mom administered it - found out we were all praying afterwards). I still haven't had mouth sores or thrown up, which is uncommon for healthy, young women. Last night, when I awoke feeling stressed about the shot, God put a hymn in my heart and mind and helped me go back to sleep. God has sent blessings of encouragement (although I have to say that I'm having a hard time truly experiencing them, accepting them. Why? I don't know as I know in my head He is so good. This will pass as I know God will bring me beyond it, but it's another part of the struggle).
OK. Off to my shot and bed. I'm really wiped out.

Hospital Update

2009-06-10T19:28:00.003-04:00

Well, there is a lot to report; I've had u/s on my heart and legs to cover the bloodclots found in my lungs over the weekend - all clear. I will be having shots 2 times/day for the next 6 months to prevent future bloodclots. The ones in my lungs are not a threat, just a nuisance to breathing (as the heart echocardiogram revealed a strong, healthy heart.) Also, I am not having a blood transfusion at this time.

I'm nauseated but not throwing up yet - thank You, Lord. There are times that I feel like I will but so far so good. I slept very poorly last night as my chemo didn't finish until midnight, and I had been given a steroid as part of my pre-chemo cocktail...not good for sleep. I had forgotten that last time, I had 2 nights of chemo (both drugs), so we go back at it tonight, probably until midnight. I did catch a nap today.

I'd like to share how God is answering prayer. I had been quite stressed out since Monday. As I reflected on "why", I think it was going to Boston for these crazy drugs without Bob and concern about who the nurse administering the adriamycin would be, concern about the bloodclots as well as the multiple shots, just not wanting to go as I've developed some hospital and hospital food aversions. Well, I kept praying about it, and crying, and was so relieved to find out that my nurse, although a new one, had helped with a treatment before and I really trusted her. ALSO, she wanted to hear about why I was stressed. She came up with a great solution for the shots. There is a cream (EMLA) that numbs the skin, which I had picked up for accessing my port as the last time bothered me quite a bit. So, we're now using that to administer the Lovenox shots, and what a difference! Tonight's administrator of the chemo will be Lindsey, one of my favorites. This really helps put me at ease. So, God has shown His faithfulness once again. Please continue to pray against the mouth sores, vommitting, and nausea. It's really hard feeling like this.

Latest health development

2009-06-07T22:27:00.005-04:00

This weekend was tough in that I was at the ER for 5 hours on Sat. to find out that I have "several" pulmonary embuli. Breathlessness was what brought on a call to my dr. and the directive to go to Frisbie for blood work, lung CAT scan (NOT fun), EKG. They're treating it with more Lovenox shots (3/day). I'm hoping that I'll be able to use Cumadin (sp?) instead since it's an oral medicine. We'll talk about it on Tues. when I go down for chemo. Whatever medication Dr. Choy puts me on, it will be for at least 6 months.

I have to say that the news on Sat. was really tough. Another struggle, another obstacle...yet I can also say another opportunity for God to show us Himself. Tough stuff though. I am thankful that they let me go home (since I'd been getting Lovenox shots from Bob after my hip surgery) and also that my breathing has improved. The ER dr. informed us that I could be in a lot worse shape (in a very nice way - I was glad that he told me how it could be). That is definitely something to be thankful for.

More things to be thankful for: We had a McD's picnic with the kids at the park today; it was good to do something sort of normal and just be around them. And, I ate my first Reese's peanut butter cup since chemo treatment started, and it actually tasted good. Until today, I had no desire for my favorite candy (nor ice-cream!), so it was a pleasant change, although temporary.

Are You Chicken?

2009-06-07T22:08:00.005-04:00

My old roomie sent me a great care package. In it was a button a lot like the "easy button" but it says "Are you chicken?". When you push the button (which the kids LOVE to do!), it plays the chicken dance song. Yes, it served its purpose and made me laugh. (Video below - Yes, I'm wearing my wig.)

I also really appreciated her note about flapping her wings. It reminded me of our way back at UNH of encouraging each other to be courageous during trying times..."Let me hear you roar!" (taken from "I am woman. Hear me roar."). Back in those college days, a meow was just not an acceptable answer. Well, I'm trying to have courage and flap my wings, a tall order but oh so important. God gave me spunk for a reason; He knows my journey. He also gave me my college roomie for a reason...thanks, Julie!

Ethan Smiles

2009-06-07T22:05:00.003-04:00

Update

2009-05-31T17:35:00.007-04:00

Well, a lot seems to be going on and at the same time, we're in the redundancy of "the cycle", trying to take care of myself so that I can get better and be ready to go back for more.

I've been struggling with perspective over the last week. It's been harder to focus on the positive and easier to be crabby and disillusioned. I know that there will be times of more and less discouragement, but I'm also wondering if cancer/chemo has stages kind of like the grieving process has stages. Does anybody have any knowledge about this? Maybe understanding how this tends to work and what might be coming would help me work with it better.

I'm reading "When I Lay My Isaac Down", and it's really challenging me. I've realized that one of the things I've needed to surrender was my dreams/expectations regarding Ethan's pregnancy and infancy. I think that God has just about brought me through that process, and it has been challenging with lots of tears. However, there definitely is more that I need to surrender to Him. Of course, giving up control (that truly is just an illusion anyway) has been ongoing...control of aspects of the kids' daily lives, my schedule, household decisions, how I walk, my health, etc. I hate to think of myself as a control freak, but when everything seems to be out of control, I'm realizing that a sense of control is more of a source of security than I realized. So, I see some hard changes on the horizon, and it won't be me that makes them. Only God can accomplish this, and that brings me to another area where I'm being stretched...trusting God. How absolutely crazy in that He is MOST trustworthy. However, I am human and this is where it's at. I want to trust Him with my days, not worrying about whether I'll have to do more chemo down the road or how I'm going to even make it through this one, but I am not. The book that I'm reading talked about Carol Kent having to work at trusting God with her son 1 minute at a time and then it turned to 5 minutes at a time. I think that's how it's going to be for me, asking Him to help me trust Him 1 minute at a time. This is a process, and it's not going to be in my timing.

On a lighter note, my hair has been short for over a week and buzzed (only 3 mm long) for a few days. Lyndsey touched it right after Bob buzzed it and told me that "it's sparkley", which I thought was very cute. Anderson seems to be doing fine with the change, handling it in his typical reserved way. The amazing thing to me is that my brother, Dan, was right about the no hair thing. He had told me weeks ago that the kids probably wouldn't even bat an eyelash at the change because people tend to see others as they've always known them (sort of by memory of what they have always looked like). Well, I wore my wig for the first time Sat. night, and my kids and Bob didn't even notice! Lyndsey walked into the bathroom, talked to me, and left without a comment about the hair. It wasn't until hours later that she started talking with me about my wig and asking questions like, "Where are yours sparkleys?" 8) Bob had a few minor interactions with me without any comment and then eventually commented in surprise, "Oh, you have the wig on! I didn't even notice!" Anderson wouldn't have commented right away anyway, so I'm not sure when he noticed, and of course, Ethan doesn't care about his Mumma's hair. So, Dan was right. The obstacles with the hair at this point are 1. getting the wig to fit right since it couldn't be done before and 2. learning how to sleep. I've found that my body can't seem to regulate its temperature now that I don't have insulation. I keep waking up, hot then cold. Last night was a bit better perhaps because I didn't sleep with a pillow and left the fan on. It's a work in progress.

Hair yesterday, Gone today

2009-05-21T19:51:00.002-04:00

So, it's been done. I no longer have long hair. It was coming out in massive amounts this morning, so I knew it was time. It was kind of good because I was actually getting mad about all these long hairs that I kept trying to pick off my arms and clothes. So in that sense, I was ready for it to go.
Do I like my short hair? No. But I'm sure I'll be less thrilled with no hair at all, so I'm not going to complain much. The kids don't really seem phased by it, so that is good. Bob said he liked it, to which I grouchily replied, "Don't like it too much." He's always had an eye for short haircuts as evidenced by his pre-Sarah days. 8)

Wig Party

2009-05-20T20:07:00.004-04:00

Yep. We had a good time at the wig party, although I am EXHAUSTED. The day was a very full one, very emotionally charged even though my hair is still attached. Thank you to all of you who are supporting me through this tough challenge. I am so blessed.

Wigging me out

2009-05-19T23:30:00.003-04:00

Sarah did not get her hair cut today. The stylist that created Sarah's wig (the one who was suppose to cut her hair), said that her hair was still holding strong. He should be able to pull at least ten hairs from the top of her head, but was only able to pluck two and Sarah felt each one. So, when Sarah is able to pull at least ten hairs then she will get it all cut off. The stylist thinks it is going to be a few more days.
She did bring home the wig today though. And let me tell you it is freaky looking. It looks just like Sarah (as it should). Sarah had put it on our hutch (on the bust) while we ate dinner and it kept catching my eye and freaking me out. She said we are going to keep it in our bedroom ... I don't think so... I am not going to wake up in the middle of the night to be freaked out by this head of hair looking at me. Call me weird but it just wigs me out.

Tough Days

2009-05-17T19:09:00.007-04:00

The last few days have been really tough. I'm still feeling pretty yucky, which doesn't help, but I'm also experiencing a lot of fears and doubts. The fears are that the chemo isn't what my body needs (based on proposed theories about cancer being a fungus and "fed" by what we eat - this might sound crazy, but the possibility that it could be true makes me at least have to look at it) and that I will have suffered through it and it not work. I am struggling with hearing AGAIN "you have cancer (or another tumor)". The doubts about whether I should even do the chemo have been drowning me in tears and constant battle to take my thoughts captive. (Keep in mind that mine is a unique cancer and therefore one that the doctors don't know a lot about. They are treating it like bone cancer, which they do know about, and say my prognosis is good if I do the chemo. Do I trust their judgment? - Notice that I did not say "trust them" as that would be relying on them knowing all, which they can't as they are human.)

OK. So that's the ugliness of my thoughts and feelings, what I'm struggling with. The truths are that God is sovereign (reigns over my body, as small on the universe scale as it is) and knows the outcome of all of this. He can (and maybe has) cure me, and Him only. Focusing on my circumstances is not going to help me get through this; focusing on my God, and Who He is, will help me get through this because that is where my confidence lies - in God and God alone. This is not always how I feel nor even sometimes what I think when I'm "stuck", but feelings do not always reveal the truth. I am praying that God will guide us on the path that He wants us to take, and I would so prefer it not to be chemo. However, the choice is not mine nor do I really want it to be.

In the midst of all of this, there are some weird puzzle pieces that I'm not sure where they fit. It's interesting that twice this past week, "people" had discussions with me that raise doubts about the chemo. As you can imagine, this rattled me. God, what is Your purpose in this? Is it to make me question and then come out more resolved than ever? Is it to change my course of treatment? Is it to make me pose certain questions to the dr.? Is it to make me come to a point where I relinquish more control that I'm not realizing I'm harboring? (I know that giving up control is a theme throughout all of this - "Be still and know that I am God." has been my theme verse since being pregnant.) I also have been reading "When I Lay My Isaac Down", and these verses in Genesis were again brought to my attention from a different direction this weekend. Is there something I need to surrender - my health, perhaps? By this I don't mean not want to be healthy but rather surrender good health to God's perfect plan, whatever that means. Yikes!

OK. So I've shared my personal thoughts, but I really don't want feedback. This request is for my mental health, so please be respectful of it. In general, I really value feedback, but in this case, I really can't work through all the opinions.

Kids Update

2009-05-17T18:56:00.004-04:00

Ethan is now 9.5 pounds and in the 10% on the full-term baby growth chart! Dr. H was very pleased with his progress. He has also started smiling; his first one was for Anderson! He doesn't smile all that often, but when he does, we're thrilled. We have also found low-iron formula (supplement for the breastmilk), which is a huge blessing as the other was making his belly very upset. Jason had to drive to Hooksett for it and then we met him in Northwood at 10pm. It's precious stuff! Oh, and Ethan is sleeping through the night: 11-7 at least. He has also decided that he has preferences, so he no longer is the baby who doesn't cry. That's OK though!

Lyndsey is still working on the potty training. It's an uphill battle. She's very good at driving the Hot Wheels jeep, and she's back to unlimited use of her arm/shoulder. She is saying some really funny things, which makes me smile. She is a big helper with "Nefan" and loves him to pieces, literally. She also loves to laugh and fool around with Anderson.

Anderson will be finishing up daycare at the end of June. We went to a kindergarden informational meeting a week ago. I can't believe we'll have a child in school! He's very excited about it. In the meantime, he's been practicing casting (to fish with Daddy) on the back lawn and is very attentive to Ethan's physical and emotional needs. He's also attentive to Lyndsey's needs, although she doesn't always agree what they are. They have started the sibling fighting...great fun. Leader/Bossy oldest combined with Strong-willed second is a tough combo. Wait until Ethan joins the fray!